JUST ANOTHER LOVE STORY

They always say that I am a masochist and right now, as I am reading all my crappy, chaotic, stupidity-laden, emotional files since 2012, I felt like I should not complain nor rebut. What do they say in debate? HEAR, HEAR!

I have read a diary entry dated April 12, 2012 which has a touch of  linguistics in it, err, it’s titled Journal of Emotive Structural Clauses  and it’s about conversations with him and how  he distrusts me so much, how he rejected the idea of US and how he unfriended me in social media. It was pretty brave of me to tell him how I felt after all the hurt I caused and pretty dumbass of me expecting him to come running into my arms again. After this, I remembered striving hard to prove how I deserve him ranging from finding a job, educating myself, and making myself pretty and hot. “If he is successful, then I will also be.” That was my mantra.

Part 1: FOUR WORDS

Looking back, even before we had that pretend-couple-turned-almost-real-thingy , he was way ahead of me ; he was that popular, smart, rich, tall, dark and handsome guy while I was that insecure, curlyhead, pale-skinned, ordinary wallflower. We had many blissful memories. It was my first time to be care for, to felt free and beautiful. Every moment with him was just priceless - we cried a bucket of tears over dramas, whispered secret messages, held hands when no one’s watching, helped each other’s homework and project, sent sweet SMS, laughed over our silliness, and encouraged each other to be on top since we were both scholars.  I liked him a lot especially when he stares at me  and says ‘You are mine.’ But when he confessed one night while we were sweetly dancing under the stars, his eyes searching mine, I had to look away and say ‘I like someone else.’

With those four words, everything changed.  He moved out from my circle of friends and he never talked to me for two years except when we had a group project .  It was so difficult most especially when he left the country days before our graduation without saying goodbye.  I’ve only realized what he really meant to me when he was gone.

Have you guessed why I rejected him? Those four words were partly true because I really did like someone else. He was this cool varsity player and we were somewhat close.  But I knew in myself before that I just used that as an excuse. I was afraid of choosing him because many would disapprove. My friends said bad things about him and I foolishly believed them . When there were times that he wanted to talk to me, I just started blurting out that varsity player’s name and he would back off, back hunched.   I loved him but I was too late. He was gone.

PART 2: SECOND CHANCE

After two years of waiting, we started to communicate again in social media. It was not that progressive though because of the time difference but everything was falling into pieces. We did not discuss about what happened before, it’s as if  none of those happened.  And then, out of the blue,  he came back.

He came back. Maybe this time, it will not be an almost.

When he was in the Philippines for the first few days, he did not contact me. I understood perfectly because it will be too sudden and awkward so I just contented myself with his photos on fb reuniting with his family and friends.

“See you soon.”

I was surpised! I was nervous and excited. The long wait is over! I replied, “When?"

“I’ll come and see you in school.”

He was coming to see me in my workplace! Maybe, he still likes me. Oh, the happiness I felt! I was ridng on cloud 9!

But our first encounter did not happen in school.

I got invited by a friend to a party and he was there. We just said ‘hi’ and that was it. My hopes were extinguished.

Days passed and I saw a photo of him with another girl. I presumed that he’s courting her for why would he surprise a girl during her birthday if he does not have feelings? I remembered the teddy bear he gave me on my 18^th birthday. Everyone knows how much I hate stuff toys but with him, there’s always an exception.

I was hurt but still, I expected him to come and see me eventhough the chances are very low.

And one day, he did.

He came to my workplace with our common friend. When one of my co-teachers asked who he was, he replied “I am his boyfriend.”

(Are you freaking kidding me? We are an item now? He’s joking!)

I looked at him and he was staring at me, smiling. He invited me and my friends to lunch however, he did not stay long because he had to eat with his family.

I sighed. Why is he doing this to me? He declares that he’s my boyfriend but he won’t explain nor talk to me privately. What is he playing at? But I believe him.

Later that day, I received  a call from an unknown number.

“Who’s this?”

“Where are you?”

“What? Are you ____?”

“I am at XYZ. Do you want to come?”

“Ok.”

“See you. Bye.”

I rushed to the place and saw him buying food with our common friend. Then the three of us ate and surprisingly, he asked me to go grocery shopping, I and him alone in which I said okay.

The moment I was waiting for is unfolding! I was uncomfortable yet happy. So, we were inside the grocery store and I helped him buy pasalubong for his colleagues. One of my students saw us and she asked who he is and you know what he answered, “She’s my girlfriend.” After that,  he held my hand and while we were at the counter, he said to the cashier “She’s my girlfriend, she’s beautiful right?”

I was out of words. It seemed that my neurons were washed out by these colossal waves of love. I was confused too but I did not dare to ask him the real score.

Before he drove home, he asked me to hug him. I was really shy because I am not that sweet nor showy type of girl but… I did. He invited me to come over to their house the next day in which I gladly accepted. You know when you are in love, you will not hesitate. There are risks in love and he was the risk that  was ready to take.

So, on a Saturday, I skipped my classes in graduate school and went to their house with our common friend. His family was there so we ate lunch together. He was saying good things about me and I wondered if he would also say or has said that we are a couple. He did not because they asked who his girlfriend was. After that, he asked us to come to his room where he started narrating all his experiences abroad – about his hardships, about what he did to achieve what he has now.  How I wished I was there for him!  We had a private moment where he told me that he was flying again the next day. I was aware of that of course but him telling me that is a big blow. He looked at me and asked if I could stay a bit more and talk. I said ‘yes,’

However, our common friend eventually convinced me to go home and slipped that it’s dangerous to stay and his family might misinterpret our actions.  He respected my decision and we bade our first and last sweet goodbye. I remembered crying while we were on our way home and he again called me that I should go back. Later that afternoon, I went back to graduate school and even though our professor was discussing theories on psychology which is my favorite topic, I could not shut him off my mind.

“Should I really come back?”

“Yes, let’s talk.”

“But what will you tell them?”

“That you are my girlfriend.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too babe.”

Part 3: SEENZONED , UNFRIENDED

In most romantic scenes, the female protagonist will go to the airport and hug her lover asking him not to go. The male protagonist will then hug her back and kiss her tears away promising her that he will come back.

But in the real world, none of those will happen. The years of waiting were just a trash. We broke up. How?

We were okay. I trust him, I trust our love. I enjoyed our witty conversations, his photos while working and during travels and his out-of-tune audio clips. But like any tragic love story, his love vanished. I woke up one day and another with no messages and calls from him. I started to worry but I did not complain because he might be busy and I respect his priorities. Days passed and still, no reply. There were tagged photos of him and another girl in the bar and I asked him what were those all about, still no reply. There were more photos and I was really getting annoyed yet not one explanation from him.   I let my anger passed and waited for days and guess what, he has seenzoned all my messages. I got depressed. I threw him accusations and our issues from the past. I even plead for him to make me understand what was happening. Again, seenzoned.

The next thing I knew, he unfriended me again in social media.

I was devastated! I was fuming mad because I did not know what was wrong! What did I do? What have I done to deserve all the pain! I hated everything about myself. Maybe, I was not that woman he wants.  I was never good enough for him.

PART 4: ROCK BOTTOM

My self-confidence has reached rock bottom and since then, I started to lose myself.

I opened up with my friends and they were mad at me for choosing him. They also hated him because they did not think that he could do that. He was a good guy, for all we know.

So as to maneuver my life back on track, I started dating.

Nurse, engineer, architect, teacher, photographer, marketing agent, technician etc. – I dated them nonetheless every date turned out to be a disaster. I intimidated them, asked them weird questions and intentionally acted crazy. I hated how boring they were and how soft and gentle were they on me. I wanted them to get even and tell me that I must not be liked nor loved! But they never did and they even appreciated how cool I was and asked for another chance after all. As if.

So, all first dates with first-time-to-meet guys were also the last. I made them fall with no aim to catch. Deep inside I was still hurting and moving on, and questioning why he also let me fall, caught me but threw me aside.

This continued for months until I realized that maybe, he did that to get his revenge. I hurt him in the past and that was his way to let me feel what he felt. Yes, I said to myself. I deserved the pain.

Since then, I stopped dating and just focused on my work , family and self.  

PART 5: REAL DEAL

One year after the breakup, during Christmas break, I received a message from him saying he was sorry.

“Why did you do that?”

“It runs in the blood.”

“ What? You control your actions so don’t blame it on your blood or whatsoever!”

And for the third time, he evaporated.

I was furious! He is so stupid! And I was also stupid for letting him break my defenses again. It was shitty to hear a lame reason from a person you wanted to spend your life with. It was shitty that I was still affected despite all the shittiness that he did.

Few months later, I became friends with his friends. It hurt me when they revealed that that guy told them that I was running after him. But I told them the whole story for this reason, we started to stick the pieces of the puzzle together.

Now I know. He did that because I could never provide what he wants. No matter what I do, even if I become the richest , sexiest, prettiest or the most influential person on earth, he would not still love me. He would never be happy with me because I am not a guy.

Part 6: THE END

As I am writing this love story before going to Batac, I feel relieved because after all the deception, heartaches and tears, I am still strong and happy. I have forgiven him long long time ago and I still believe that he is a good guy and whenever I see his pictures, I just wish him a good life. Someday, if we see each other again, I hope we can still be friends because in the first place, we started as friends.

So guys, this is my love story- JUST ANOTHER LOVE STORY. Yes, he was my first boyfriend and I never had any after him but that is totally okay because the best is yet to come. God will send the right person at the right time.

Word of advice, when love knocks on your door, open it but take caution. Love is the greatest but don’t  make it turn you into the worst.