12:57 am thoughts

I just read 'Still me'by Jojo Moyes, the third installment of Me Before You Series.

It was one of the two greatest books I've read this year, the other is of course Dan Brown's the Origin. Since I am still recovering from the hurt of saying goodbye to the story of Louisa Clark, Will Traynor and Sam, I thought I might also say goodbye to all my hurts within the past few weeks and the regrets that are probably surfacing so late.

1. I have become another person again. I refused to talk to them. I became distant. Eversince I came here, I really tried to fit in, in the community and in my new work. However, after a few months, I still feel I don't belong and that I really don't have what you call real friends. Before I was amiable and sociable and always on the go but now, I am slowly turning to an introvet, snob and boring persona. Sometimes I look myself at the mirror and all I can see is a shadow.

2. Whenever I browse social media, I feel insecured about all the good things happening in others' lives. I compared myself to them. And I cant stop imagining how everything would turn out if I stayed a bit more and finished what I started. I regret not passing my master's degree and everytime I chat with them, I remember how close was I to it yet I still flew up here and suffered.

3. I think about all my past relationships. They were all short-lived, fun but unhealthy. Maybe I was looking for the wrong person after all. Why do I choose the guys that I knowingly would not stay with me? Why do I let myself be played and taken advantage of? Why can I take risks in these things but too scared to compete in my profession? I have potential but I am too engrossed with other people.

4. If I rate my happiness, it would be 3. I was happy when...  I forgot.

5. What is my accomplishment so far? I dont know anymore. I am at a loss for words.