“I am going to start
dating again after three months.”
Funny how I broke this statement when I met this guy four
weeks ago. I just needed one more month to fulfill my promise but yes, I gave
in.
The first conversation we had
happened while I was doing squats in the smith bar in the gym and he just
came up and said “Good Job!” He was unbelievably good-looking. He had that
playboy grin and blue-green set of big expressive eyes with thick eyebrows and curved
lashes that can make any Filipina drool. Well, that was a bit of exaggeration
(the drooling part) Haha. He has black wavy hair, fair skin and muscles to die
for. He is at least 5’8 tall. In short, he was the man that I’ve imagined
dating 10 years ago.
He was striking a conversation with
me in Filipino- English like where I was from and how many years have I been
here in UAE. I learned that most of his colleagues are Filipinos; hence, the Filipino
communication skills and when I asked if he had been to Manila, he replied “Someday,
I will go there with my girlfriend.” From then on, I assumed that he has a girlfriend.
“Just another fuckboy,” I whispered to myself. But I admit, I was really really attracted to
him.
Next time we crossed paths was in the signal and just like
the first, he was talking animatedly with that foolish grin. He asked where I
was going and I said I was on my way to the gym. Before we parted ways, he
asked for my name. I found myself
smiling like a fool after that. “Stop it,” I told myself.
After a few days, I saw him again in the gym. He was smiling
as usual and talking to the other ladies. He was helping them with how to use
the sports equipment and correcting their form. There was no reason for me to
be annoyed but I was in a bad mood when I saw that they got his attention. The
ladies were obviously into him and I swore that I was never wrong in my
assumption that he was a playboy. When he saw me doing my lunges, he stopped
and talked to me. He kept asking me if I was okay but I just ignored him. He
ruined my day.
After an hour, I realized that I was being shallow. Why was
I letting him affect my workout? This fitness journey is not about attracting
bad vibes but spreading goodness and kindness. And so, when he asked again if I
was fine, I was back to my old smiling self. We did our ab workout together and
discovered that he is a Christian which is really very important. If he is a
Muslim, I would never have ever given my phone number. He texted me as soon as
he arrived home.
His first message was, “Kamusta ka maganda?”
Then everything just happened.
Fun facts:
1. He only had one girlfriend and that was six years ago. He
never dated after.
2. He never kissed a girl on the lips. Their family is
conservative and traditional. Therefore, he was more innocent than I am. lol
3. He is family-oriented. He calls his family every night.
He loves kids especially the kids that he taught in their church.
4. He always speaks fondly about his family, friends and
God.
5. He is very
optimistic in life. He has many struggles but he is always smiling and hopeful
that everyday is getting better.
6. He dreams to be an
actor.
We had our first date on the beach one windy evening. It was
a nice date but I had difficulty opening up.
He caught me staring somewhere far most of the time and that happened
for our other dates. He would always say, “Hello, I am here. What are you
thinking? ” showing that same grin. He was actually my first date after my breakup and I guessed I was
not ready to have a serious and intimate conversation with another man.
Maybe it was too early. More than two months was not enough
to give myself the time and space I need to pull my shit together.
There were times that when we talk about each other lives, I
still feel devastated. He knows that I am still in the process of moving on and
it makes me feel guilty that I could not give the full attention that he needs.
I wanted to be present at the moment but my mind wanders somewhere else.
There was also that one incident that made me question his
sincerity. I thought he was cheating and all that he said to me were lies. I
argued with him HARD and we did not talk for a day. Turned out, it was only a
big misunderstanding. I realized that I have trust issues and I am very SCARED
to love again. When we saw each other after that argument, I decided to stop
seeing him forever. I was trying to find the right timing to say it to him but
then his male friends from the Church picked us up and we went to the beach
altogether. While we were talking, I was giving hints that I wanted out of this
exclusively dating stage but when I looked at him, he was so expectant. To my
surprise, he asked me, “What good did he ever do to you?”
I was left speechless.
When he walked me home, I was still thinking how to reword
my farewell speech. When we got inside my room and hugged me goodbye, I couldn’t
help but to shed tears. He had seen me countless times crying especially when
he is becoming too intimate.
I feel so sorry. When he hugs me, I wish I could feel his
entirety, I wish I could give my warmth. When he says I love you, I wish I
could say it back. When he kisses my cheeks when I cry, I wish I could respond
that I love him too.
He then gently asked if I wanted him to go. I couldn’t make
up my mind because I was lost in the safety between his arms and the confusion
in my heart. I was torn between telling him to stay and forcing him to move out
from my life. I was torn between taking a big leap in loving and trusting, and
breaking apart again. I don’t want to be miserable. I don’t want to experience the same pain.
But when he holds my hand, I never felt safer. When he looks
at me, I never felt this appreciated. He calms my storms and understands my
silence.
He asks me every freaking day how I am doing; he comes when
I need him no matter what time it is or no matter how tired he is. He does not ditch
me. He treats me well despite my stubbornness and insanity. He calls me during
his short break time. He is always
excited to see me and listen to my stories.
There is no guessing of his feelings, no insecurity. He accompanies me
to the grocery store and carries my stuff. He walks me home and proudly introduces
me to his friends. He may not have a car or a villa and is still figuring out his
career path (me too), but that is okay. The bottomline is, I am myself when I
am with him. I am comfortable. I am free.
I want to make this relationship work.
This love might not be as intense as what I felt before but love should not be
too complicated, messy and confusing. Love protects. Love encourages you to be
better and kinder. Love does not destroy. It should inspire and build you up. Love
helps you grow and flourish. Love is always in your corner, not just when it is
easy but when it is hard too. Love sees your soul. Love is not one foot in, one
foot out. Love is not mixed signals. Love is not without labels. Love does not
blame and seek revenge. Love is being your authentic self. Love prioritizes
you. Love heals you. Love makes you breathe again. Love is not losing your
values. Love fights for you. Love does not walk away when your opinions are
different. Love finds a reason to stay.
I am not sure of what the future
holds for both of us. But I am excited of where we will be. I do miss him everyday. Yes, I might not be fully healed yet but I am getting there. I know that total healing cannot not achieved by being with him but more on seeing my worth and getting up , being independent even if he is in my life. There are potential risks in the decision that I made but I am happy that I chose someone who chooses me and someone who makes me a better person everyday.
