Walking by faith

This year started with a hike in Burgos.   What followed were endless spontaneous trips to some of Region 1 and 2’s tourist spots, alone or accompanied, regardless of weather conditions and financial constraints.  However, the so-called taste of exploration and freedom has rotten and spoiled my faith.

Let me give you a short background. My father, sister , brother and I are all Catholics while my mother is Jehovah’s witness. At a young age, I’ve been exposed to both religions and it was pretty confusing since they have different practices. I attended both churches, did the sign of the cross (or not), kneeled infront of idols (or not), recited during a homily (or not), wore dresses (or not), ate both round and rectangular body of Christ and whatnot.    When I was in grade 6, I confessed my sins and became a full fledged Catholic. But when I was in secondary, we seldom attended the masses as a family until we forgot all about it and as a regular teenager, it was fine because my life revolved on books, phone, fashion, crush and friends. As for my sister, she's an active leader in YFC before and now, she's part of SFC or Singles for Christ.

Fast forward. November 2016.

“I am sick, again.”
Since the start of this year, I always have one or more absences a month. I rarely acquire disease, however this year’s extremely unusual because I have frequent headaches, breathing difficulties, chest pains and flu. But last November , I got pneumonia that had significantly reduced my meager salary. So, I had been suffering from flu for almost two weeks and if you know me very well, I don’t like taking medications until I had no choice but to stay in bed and be absent for five days in school. Anyway, I’m a teacher of Senior High School.

On my fifth day, I stuck a pill on my throat. It was uncomfortable and excruciating so I decided to use nebulizer since the air goes through your esophagus, the pill might dislodge. After 10 minutes, I was shaking uncontrollably and since nobody was home, I couldn’t get any help so I just lied on my bed and trembled until fear consumed me.

“I am dying.”
For the first time, I was afraid of death. I reminisced all –days that I was so excited on Sundays because it means date with God and days that were attributed to praying and reflecting on my actions , but those days dissolved - I couldn’t even stay in church for more than 10 minutes. What happened with my faith? Why was it extinguished?

“I am so sorry. Please, have mercy.”
I forgot God. I changed my priorities. Like the pill that was stuck in my throat, I was trapped in my own selfish desires. I focused too much on my pursuit of happiness that I failed to realize that REAL happiness resides on those who have truly surrendered to God.

“I surrender my life to you God.”
I was still trembling wildly and seeing nothingness but I was more than ready to die. After uttering my sincerest prayers, I knew in myself that I have submitted myself willingly to the Lord and a smile was painted on my lips and a tear of sweet goodbye has fallen down.

“I am ready.”
I looked for the light. They say that when you are about to die, you have to look for and follow the light. I couldn’t find it. I turned my head to the direction of the window and at an unexpected time, in the least expected place, in the most unexpected moment of my life, a tiny white feather came twirling and twirling till it landed softly on my palm. Then everything went black. The next thing I knew, I woke up recharged, renewed and cured.  The most amazing things in life tend to happen right at the moment you’re about to give up hope.

“I am still alive.”
I read an article before which states that when you see a feather out of nowhere, it means that your guardian angel is near and God is with you. Yes, baby, I got another sign.

There are signs that remind us of His presence and greatness. They are just there hanging and waiting to be unraveled but we chose to ignore them. Why?

I have asked this same question to those whom I regard as faithful servants of the Lord.

1. We are afraid to face those signs because we can’t accept. We can’t accept because ourselves are imprisoned to wordly things. We are afraid to lose and leave them because we think that these things are the real essence of life.

2. Lack of faith. We confine ourselves with the mentality of being blind and tend to reject His voice. We chose the people around us and pull of the earthly things.

3. Everything is designed by God. It’s your choice if you’re going to ignore or acknowledge the signs. Just remember that all blessings emanated from Him.

4. It is a matter of perspective. The way we see God in our life defines the way we live. If you see someone as a stranger, you will definitely ignore him, about him or anything related to him. The same way when we love someone, we appreciate every little thing about that someone we value.

5. Those are truths not signs. We choose to ignore them because they contradict what we want.

Those answers help me a lot in my journey. Yes, those are not simply signs, rather truths and miracles of our living God and the way we respond to these reflect how we view Him. There had been series of these in my existence , I acknowledged them of course but in the long run, my faith keeps waning. If faith can only be quantified, then it would be measured in negative value. I can read novels in one sitting yet I can’t read a bible verse for months. How shameful!

Mid of this year, I stopped praying and going to the church. But because of the overwhelming miracles , worship songs, inspirational movies and the help of my students who believe in Him, I eventually restored my faith on December 4. I went to another congregation which is the United Christian Outreach Ministries, Inc. aka UCOM in Batac (Thanks Brylle!). Prior to this, I was also invited by most of my friends from various congregations like Jesus is Alive, Foursquare, Mormons, Victory and others but none of them really made me go back. I mean, it was not their fault but mine because like what I said, I had too many questions and my faith is weak. 

So, at the start of the singing worship at UCOM, I felt normal but minutes later, people around me were crying, raising their hands and speaking in another language which I couldn’t really comprehend. It was so loud and I was perplexed it made me wanna walk out. Those were like cries of sorrow and help, I was covering my ears because the sounds seemed reverberating and drilling my soul,  I was about to leave but then I stopped and  told myself “You came all the way here just to give up? Give Him a chance. These won’t hurt you.”

I prayed so hard and asked for patience and for a month now, I’m proud to say that I am still going to that church. I love how the pastor preaches, how the music team makes all songs heartwarming and relatable, how the youth ministry assumes responsibility despite their age and how the people are so kind and hospitable.  Thank you so much UCOM! Thank you God!

In Hebrews 11 : 1-3 Now faith is confidence  in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command , so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

I am a work in progress. I hope that this faith I have now won’t be easily snatched. It will take time to exercise it fully but my doors are open for  spiritual growth.

In Mark 11: 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer. Believe that you have received it , and it will be yours.

Yes, we have to claim what our heart desires. And in doing so, let us not forget why we’re here on Earth, why we are living this wonderful life- it is all for the glory of God. As much as you want to plan your life, it has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned. That’s what you call God’s will. Remember, you are more loved than you will ever know.

And like that tiny white feather which I have not seen the moment I woke up, let us walk with faith and not by sight because the one who has faith needs no explanation .