“EMOTIONAL
ANTIOBIOTIC”
A Book Review on Forgive me, Leonard Peacock by
Matthew Quick
First, I would like to
inform you that the title was borrowed from page 9 of the book. To quote , “ As
if his response will be sacred or life-altering or something and I’m saying it
for later – like an emotional antibiotic, or a depression lifeboat.” I was shockingly
attached with that phrase so I thought
of borrowing it just like how I suddenly became the protagonist of that book,
how suicidal I could also be and how I could not envision the future me.
The novel is about
Leonard Peacock, a teenager celebrating his 18th birthday –
actually, the events all happened in two days but there were flashbacks to
explain present situation, why Leonard wants to commit murder-suicide. I know
right, I always wanted books that are psychological in nature. Anyway, no one
remembers that it is his birthdays so it is just fitting that he ends his life on
the day he was born. He is a product of a broken family, his mother, a fashion designer
and his father, a former rock star separated when he was young so he went to
live with his mother who busies herself with her career and boyfriend in New
York. Leonard is left at home with all the horrors of his childhood with no one
to hold on to, not even in school.
Like most suicidal
cases, Leonard depicts a smart-ass kid who is always adjudged as misfit. So
before he ends his life, he decided to give four presents to four people whom
he somehow made friends with. First, a hat for Walt, their old chainsmoker
neighbor whom he treats as his father. When Leonard skips school, he is at Walt’s
home watching black and-white action movies and throwing lines with him from
the movies. Second, a six-figure cheque for Baback, an Iranian classmate whom
he always watches playing violin during lunch but Baback refused the present
saying it was a scam. Third,a medal heirloom for Herr Silverman, his Holocaust
teacher and the only person in their school who gives attention to him. Fourth,
a necklace with a cross pendant for Lauren, a Christian cat-looking femme
fetale whom he has kissed in the train station. He also left a plastic bag
containing his cut hair in their refrigerator for Linda, his mother. He got it
all planned, you see but did he do it?
He planned to kill
Asher Beal, his ex bestfriend first before himself. When they were kids, they were
like brothers but Asher had different feelings towards Leonard. He “wrestled”
with Leonard and Leonard could not do anything because he’s the only friend he’s
got. Eventually, Leonard started to stay away from him and from then on, Asher
bullies Leonard in school and the latter did not manage to fight back.
After
giving all the presents, he went to Asher’s house to finally accomplish his mission
but he could not pull the trigger. He ran and ran until he was beside the river
, so he aimed the trigger on his brain but the gun did not work. He called Herr
Silverman to ask him about why he always wears long sleeves in which Herr took
that opportunity to come and save him from committing suicide. He convinced him
that a happy and better future awaits and he also confessed that he is
different because he is gay. Leonard threw the gun to the river and slept over
at Herr’s apartment. Herr called Leonard’s mother about the crisis. Next
morning, Leonard woke up recalling the past events then he went home without
saying farewell. His mother flew from New York and asked him about the call she
received from Herr but he did not explain; he just told her that he wanted her
to cook pancakes. Linda agreed so Leonard bought the ingredients and when he
arrived home, his mother was busy calling her employees in New York and Leonard
just stood there, proceeded to the kitchen, cooked the pancakes, thrown the
leftovers, and walked out. End of story.
As regards the format
of the novel, it’s a resurrection of footnotes. Explanations and side stories
of a character or word were written below every page. It’s something new for
contemporary novel, in my opinion.
I am a teacher and
while reading , I felt a pang of guilt for not having enough time for those
students who manifest unusual behavior.
What if some of my students are also like Leonard? What if I can do something more, will I be
able to help them? What if I spend time talking with them and being extra
patient? I do not know because I forgot trying to engage deeply. Or I choose
only those I am friends with. Or those I am comfortable with.
But the writer has
given me an idea before I also kill myself- the idea of exiting on a good note
by leaving gifts, gifts that my loved ones will remember and actually feel good
after I am gone. Haha. I also like how reflective Leonard is and his social experiments,
how he transcended his age, and it gave
me an inspiration again to be fun and fearless.
Leonard usually wears his
funeral suit, goes to the train station and pretends he has a job. He observes
these adults who were always rushing and sad. In his funeral suit, on the
train, he always picks out a target – the saddest-looking person he can find
and then he’ll get off at whatever stop the target does and follow. The target
is always forever late and in a rush to get to a job the target inevitably
hates. He follows when the target rides home who looks even more miserable. The
rides home always deepen his depression because these people are free from work
and now heading back to the comforts of their home- and yet they still don’t
look happy.
Why does he do this?
Because he wants to understand that it is possible to be an adult and be happy.
In my workplace, it’s a relief that I could see my colleagues smiling when they
go home. If I am of their age, will I be miserable or happy heading home? I do
not think of the future but we always hope that it will be happy, right? Reality
speaking, why do we lose the ability to be happy as we age? And when people
have awful ideas about our identity, why does it stay that way no matter what you
do?
Another plus factor of
this novel is the letters to future self. In his letters, he had a wife,
daughter and father-in-law and his job is to send light eventhough nobody sees
it.
But this is the best
part ever
“I hope you won’t take
this the wrong way, but listening to you play your violin is by far the best
part of my day. And I think part of the magic is that really don’t know you at
all , but only as a performing musician, And I worry that if I got to know you
as a friend or whatever, your music might not seem as magical. Did that ever
happen to you? You think someone is really important and different but then you
get to know them and it ruins everything?
If Leonard was talking
with me, then I would have agreed with him then and then. I always have that
scene. The moment I get to know a person, the less of a person he becomes, the
less magical it becomes. It’s so sad that there are things that are better in
our imagination. Reality is sick. Whose fault is it? Our imagination or the
inevitable reality? If you know the answer, send me an e-mail and let’s chat.
In summary, the novel rates
7 out of 10. I like the integration of letters, footnotes, avant-garde poems and
the implied tips for my bucket list. I like the hanging ending, the character
and conflict. Nevertheless, if you have suicidal tendencies, give it a second
thought.
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