last breakup letter

This letter was written a day before I broke up with him. We talked for hours about my decision and it was in a calm manner. It was a peaceful breakup and I am not angry at him, at all. I suppose that eventhough love exists between two people, it is not just enough to keep the relationship.

One week after breakup, I am still fighting the urge to chat him and ask how he has been doing. Fortunately, all I ever did was to see when he last used WhatsApp and watched one IG story.  I miss him a lot but we need to breathe and reorganize our priorities. I don't plan on dating guys until I sort all my feelings out. But I wanna see him after 30 days, if he agrees. Maybe we can be friends or start all over again. We will see. In the meantime, I am picking myself up. I hope he is alright and when the time is right, maybe, I will choose to be with him again. Maybe..

Dear you,

                Before I say it all out, I just wanna say for the last time that I really love you. I believe that you know that already. No matter what happened between us, I chose to love you. I love you too much and I thought I could still save us and hold on but it needs to end now.

                You are not answering your phone again and every time you do this, it only means that you wanna break me first. You promised that we would see each other today to talk but I don’t know if you still do. This is always tearing me apart – you making promises and not fulfilling them. What if you just grab your phone and explain that you can’t make it or you don’t want to meet today? I, at least, deserve that. Don’t you think?

                I have been thinking about this decision for the past two weeks.

                After our breakup last January, I thought it would be a fresh start for both of us as friends. Few weeks later we were both happy and you were so nice and changed. But then gradually, you were becoming the person who devastated me last year. It was so scary but I still tried to understand and I decided to still be with you without any label.

                Many things have happened then. You were worried about the email – what if you’ll be sacked and return home, and I was willing to listen. Turned out, you were just overthinking and so everything was fine again. After that, your mother had an accident. I wanted to be there but you pushed me away. I understood that you needed time and space, and so, I did not bother you that much. Next thing I knew, you were flying to your country to see her. It was the best decision you had and I admire you for that. For the two weeks that you’ve been there, we barely had any communication. I wanted us to chat but you were pulling out again. You said you were busy and that I should not worry nor be insecured.

                I told you that I just needed reassurance that we are okay but it became an argument again. You told me that I am solely responsible of my emotions. I assessed myself. You are right. Yes, I am responsible of everything that I am feeling because just like what happened before, I invested a lot again in this relationship. I couldn’t help because when I love,  I pour it all. And when it comes to you, I am so weak and vulnerable. And so after that, I decided to drift away from you.

                I tried dating a guy but it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I stopped immediately. You know about this , I told you as soon as we reconnected again. You contacted me when you were on your way back here. You only know me when you are alone and as stupid as it sounds, I still wanted to be with you.

                When you arrived, I visited you in your villa. Then you hugged me tight. I missed you so much and so, we were okay again. But those hugs and kisses were not enough to patch the wounds. We were falling apart.

                What is the difference between dating last year and this year? Last year, we only stayed at home but today, we can go in public. I enjoyed eating out with you and listening to your stories. I learned a lot about your life and perspectives, of airplanes and shisha. We explored more our sexuality and yes, I liked the intimacy.

                Here comes Valentine’s day. I did not expect anything grand but you surprised me with an overnight stay in our first date location. I was so touched and it was like the first real effort you ever gave and I really appreciated it. Thank you very much. I would never forget that.

                After our breakfast, while we were lying in bed, I asked you when you will be ready to commit and you replied ‘I don’t know.’ I cried hard after and we almost had sex. Since then, I started thinking about where we are heading. There was no future for us because you are not ready AGAIN.

                Fast forward. I went to the OB-Gyne for my checkup like what you suggested me to do long time ago. I did that for my own health but anyways, you know how much it caused me pain when you blocked me again in whatsapp? It was so heartbreaking. Everything that you did to me before hit me right there and then.  You called me manipulator and you wanted to break up with me because I lied about my pregnancy.

                I did not lie. I thought I was pregnant since I didn’t have my period yet and I was always nauseous and I have cravings. The tests that they did couldn’t tell if I were pregnant. And I was so nervous because pregnancy is serious especially in this country.

                Your reason of breaking up with me is so small compared to what you did to me. The reason is not even valid and you acted like you were the victim. Could you at least be empathetic?

                If I were pregnant, what would you lose? Nothing. But for me Robert, I could be jailed and deported. I could go home and raise the child alone without any financial support from you because you are not sure about us and our future. The repercussions that you were talking about will fall on my shoulders , not on you so stop acting as if I am the antagonist in your life.

                I told you about what I felt when I was drunk. I could not keep it in my heart anymore. It weighs me down and everyday that you don’t text me back, it freaks me out. You occupy the biggest percentage of my neurons.

                But after all that I’ve said, I was still the bad guy. The ultimatum that I gave pissed you off and you did not take me seriously. How many hours did I cry that night? I love you Robert a lot. And with what you said that you don’t see me as a wife and the mother of your children, what is the point of still holding on?

                I cannot stay in this relationship. I am not breaking up because we were never together. We are not together for love. We are not together because of your uncertainties and fears. You are not ready to take the risks for me and with me. So, I need to end this for myself and for you to have space. I’ll give the space that you need.

                If you really love me Robert, you would make me feel that love, that security, that stability. If you really do, you won’t hurt me over and over again. If you do and you are serious, you could have introduced me to your family or friends. Nobody knows about me in your world. If you love me, you will not have a tinder account and meet other people. If you love me, you will have time to text me and say I love you. If you love me, you will make me a priority. If you love me, you won’t make me cry everytime I see you.

                I did not sign up for this kind of relationship. I’d rather be single than to feel the pain from the same person. I am not even demanding too much from you. I did not ask for those fancy meals or trip. I asked for your reciprocation which you can never ever satisfy. I am simple and simple things matter more than your money.

                Would it kill you to text me? Would it kill you to call me first? Would it kill you to be more affectionate and caring? Would it kill you if you ask about my day? Would it kill you if you cuddle me at night and early morning?

                You might see me shallow but these little things are little because they require little effort yet it’s still hard for you to do all of these.  I understand if you are busy with work but when you need me, I am always to the rescue. I can give my time to you. I can come to you even when I am tired from work whilst thinking about how to survive, even with my family and financial problems. Your problems are even smaller compared to mine Robert but you never heard those because you did not ask about my day. You are the focal point of our relationship. You are so selfish.

                That’s it. I am done. I wanna be free from all. I want to remove you permanently in my life. I don’t know when or how will I move on but we cant really save it this time. You need to be alright Robert. You need to reassess yourself. You have to fix your problems without me and that also applies to me. I need to be alone and retrace my steps.

                I am so lonely and the more I stay with you, the crazier and more confusing it would be.