FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT II

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT II

Almost two weeks have passed since I wrote the first part of this article. Where am I now? How did I endure? Am I fully healed? Have I seen him again? Did I go back to God?

I admit that when I wrote that piece, I was fuming with anger. I hated him a lot and deleted his number and all our memories together. Fueled with that kind of emotion, I thought of exhausting my energy into work and my bright  future without him. After a few nights of reading books and the bible, and writing my thoughts on my notebook, I received a message from him telling me that he was afraid and suicidal. It was past 10 pm and my phone was turned off that time. I was so bothered by that message but I did not dare reply. After a few days, I unblocked him in whatsapp and he messaged me about wanting to sleep at our doorstep. He also told me that he created an fb account then added me and that he also messaged my sister. I replied that I was glad I didn’t confirm that request and that he must stop this right now.

I was mean to him. I despised him for all his actions. I kept saying that I loved him and he was saying he still loves me. He sent apology recordings and told me about what happened to him the last time we communicated. I was aloof and I was not ready to reconcile.

Days passed, he cautiously let me understood his whole situation and yes, gradually, I believed him and I started opening up again. We called each other and he was very different from the man I knew. He started to care about my day. Anyway I gave him three options and it took him a while to decide on where we were going.

I thought about it, too. I even crafted sms to not see him ever again and totally remove all our means of communication but at the end of the day, I told him that that we should meet then start off as friends.

I said, “You know why I wanna meet you? I want it and I want us to be a happy memory. I think we should be friends. I don’t wanna depend on someone for my own healing and happiness.”

He agreed.

During those times we were chatting, we had been saying our I love you’s. The amazing part was that that love we recreated erased the hatred in my heart. And I knew there and then that I have forgiven him and I am still in love with him. And I missed him, a lot. We hit rock bottom, we are in love but we need to give each other space and just be friends.

Few hours before our final date, he called me and apologized that he would not make it. He said that he was not prepared and he needed more time. On the other hand, I was adamant so I told him I was going to his place after an hour. He waited.

I was looking at the clouds. He hugged me behind my back. It was comfortable yet awkward. We walked the same path and I took a deep breath before entering his villa. Inside his house everything was so overwhelming but all of those concerns were shut by his tight hug.

He hugged me for a long time and I was just rubbing his back. I asked myself why he was being melodramatic and then I saw tears in his eyes. He was breaking apart. I didn’t know what to do but to hug him back. He was not talking and he was just holding me and never letting go.

 In the sofa, he asked me to lie down with him. It was not lust, it was not pleasure. It was love I never felt before. He hugged me again and whispered that “So ,this is the last time.” Tears were streaming down his face and I couldn’t help but to cry with him. We were crying because of all we’ve been through, the good and the ugly. We were wiping each others’ tears and held on longingly because we had reached a point that we have to let go after this. We can’t say our I love you’s anymore. We can’t hug nor kiss each other again. I can’t go to his house again. I won’t see him again. I was afraid. I was happy. I was sad.  I was relieved. I was devastated.

We dined in the nearby sushi restaurant. Our last date was like our beautiful and romantic first few dates - holding hands while walking under the moonlight, enjoying the scene and talking. I hoped that that night would never end. I liked staring at him while eating beside the beach, watching him talk about the fire. I liked how he remembered our first conversations about the flag of honesty and his dream of world peace. We drank martini and toasted for our happiness and good health.

When we were in bed, he listened to my heartbeat. Then he looked at me. I couldn’t remember the exact words but it was that personal apology I was waiting for so long.

I told him, “It took you so long. But I forgive you.”

He couldn’t believe it then we were crying again. And in my ugliest cries I said, “I couldn’t hate you enough.” He said that I am beautiful and I have a big heart. He rarely compliments. He said that I can go on dates and I told him that it would be unfair to myself and them. Like how can I go out with a new guy if I am still in love with him?

He wanted me to sleepover but I had work the next day and we had to follow our decision. Few minutes left, he was taking my photos in his camera. He doesn’t like taking my photos. To my surprise, he also accepted my gift which is the Bible Alive. He even started reading it. I love this guy.  I thought I was going to ride a taxi back home but he surprised me by saying, “Can I drive you home?”

I was so tired during the travel. He was playing his music and singing along. Music is his way of coping up, I guess.

We were infront of our flat. He said, “I love you and you love me too, right (I nodded). Don’t worry I will text you tomorrow,’’ then we kissed. I got down from the car and walked back home. I wanted to turn back but I forced myself to keep walking.

That happened one week ago. We still chat until now as friends. Do I still love him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I want to see him again? Yes but we must not. Do I want to be in his place right now? Yes but I must not.

I miss him everyday. I love him with all of my heart. I long for him. It’s very hard to stay as friends when you are still in love but I promised to be by his side. I want to keep that promise and I want to watch him grow up. I want to be there and see him happy eventhough at some point, I am going to lose my balance again. He might get a lover faster than I can and he might move on easier but you know  what, I am still privileged that I have the capacity to love a man this much.

Maybe our love story was not fucked-up after all. I love him and he loves me and that’s all that matters. Maybe it is not yet our time or maybe we’re not really meant to last. But I thank him for letting me love him because I learned to be selfless and all-out. He made me happy and miserable but he was also the guy who made me feel love.

PS

If only you are reading my blog, I want to say, I love  you forever, Robert. I miss you so much.