FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT

This is the last time I am going to write about you. And even if this writing ends up sour or grammatically wrong, it would still be more worthy and better than you.

It was wrong for me to dive into you. Girls, trust your intuition. Stop being stubborn and just wait for another guy if your guts says do not trust him. If you felt that there is something wrong with him, don’t meddle in his affairs and don’t invest. This kind of guy will just break you apart and no matter how much you tell yourself that at least, you have tried and given him a chance and that you only have loved, this kind of love is dysfunctional.

Back to you asshole.

All this time, I was the one adjusting and understanding you. You never tried to communicate with me because you blocked me everytime I wanted us to talk. You are full of shit and excuses. I believed all the things you told me about yourself, your past, your disability and now, all I see is how twisted you are and how insane I was to even give you a chance – no,I gave you multiple chances and you fucking fucked it.

My heart is full of hatred. It is amazing that this heart which was full of joy and love had become rock solid because of what you did. You are a one-of-a-kind emotional manipulator.

1. You are an excellent guilt monger. You have no sense of accountability. You made me feel that everything that occurred between us was my fault and mistake -that I did not understand, that I did not give us enough time, that I was very happy with myself while you are miserable and all damn reasons that you blabbered. And if that was not enough, you also blamed me for making you anxious and that it was me who made you stay away because I loved you too much. How sick is that!

Days after celebrating my 27^th birthday together, you just informed me that it is time for me to move on. I was very much confused because we were very happy and celebrating an important day of my life with someone special (for the first time) is a big deal for me. You were my second boyfriend and I am excited and ready for a serious and stable relationship after more than three years of waiting.

You promised not to hurt me and to say goodbye properly and personally if you ever choose to leave. I made that clear in our first date. So after you said that it’s time to end things, I asked you to meet me so that we could talk and settle things. It was so hard for me to accept your decision at first because we were really getting along but before we talked about it in person, I’ve thought and decided that it was time to let go. I also had to say goodbye not because I did not love you because we needed to fix ourselves. But deep inside, I did it for your own welfare – I did not want to worsen your mental situation because of me.  I said to myself that if you will be happier and healthier if I leave, then I will leave. All those times, I was thinking about your welfare. I was never selfish.

2. You made me feel sorry for you. You shared unusually personal information about your past in order to gain my sympathy.

That made me hold on to you. Your childhood and trauma made me stay throughout the toxic relationship.

We still had communication since it was a mutual decision to separate ways. You still viewed my stories and all. After three days, you were going out with a woman and you posted all of your activities in your IG stories. You never posted anything about us. So, I replied ‘That was quick’ and you just seenzoned me. It was so heartbreaking. After a few hours you just said that you’re going to explain later. I still believed you. I still hoped that you would come back to me.

Then you went to Turkey with her. You were posting lots of IG stories about your travels and it was so painful to view them everyday. You know what is more hurtful? It’s that encouragement you gave her to take away a life. I wanted to stop because it compromised my values but fuck it, after two weeks of separation, we reunited. You said you were very much devastated and you wanted to see me, and like a dog, I came running back to you.

We were very happy again and our love was as intense as before. I missed your warmth and your humor and views about life and I felt that you missed me, too. You talked about your therapy and you even asked me why I liked you. I was loss for words because there was no reason to say so. Then you said that I am very different from all the girls you’ve met. I believed you again.

I thought we were on the same page but then, after several days , I received a text of ‘Let’s talk one month from today.’ I asked why but you did not respond. You left me hanging. I was so devastated. I assessed myself what have I done to make you stay away.  I analyzed all my actions and messages.

And then one day, I received a message that your anxiety became worse. I blamed myself because you said before that I made you anxious. I even replied that I am sorry for worsening your situation and I am very selfish.

Despite that, we still did not cut our communication. We were still viewing each others’ stories and after two weeks, you messaged me an apology and promised us to meet and talk. You know during those two weeks of not chatting you, I started looking for my old self and being happy again but when you apologized, I forgot everything about my recovery and I was very much willing to give it another try.

I waited for you. But you said that you were going to Dubai and that you will try your best to make it the next day. I waited again. But, you messaged me the next day that you were going to extend your vacation. I waited and waited.

After several days, I messaged you when we would meet up to talk. You said Monday and I said okay. Then I tried calling you and somehow you picked it up. Before we ended out conversation, you said that you have a new girlfriend. Like, what the hell just happened. You came back to me and the next thing I knew, you found a new partner?

I messaged you about that and you confirmed it. It was like being stabbed multiple times. I processed all the events and I told myself that this is not working out. You hurt me a lot and I could not take it anymore. But as stupid as it was, I was still looking for answers why you decided to be with her.

Monday came and I asked if you’re going to come. You did not because of work. I waited until Wednesday but first I called you in the morning after I collapsed during a school event. While I was in the clinic, I called you and asked again if you have a new girlfriend. And you said yes. I asked why and yu said that being with her doesn’t  make you anxious and that there is connection between you two.  Every word you said pierced my heart and body.  

But then I begged you to come see me in the afternoon eventhough how much sick and exhausted I was. I was still seeking for answers and I wanted to see if you were lying or not. I remembered crying in the classroom after our call.  You agreed and you came.

But let me tell you, I have also conditioned myself to stop our affair before we met up. Reason: Your new girlfriend and it was not healthy for me because eversince I met you, my life became toxic. I was always preoccupied with your health that I forgot mine.

So when you were infront of me in this restaurant, I couldn’t help to be so helpless I mean, I could not muster the courage to be angry because logically speaking, you did not cheat on me because we broke up before you met her. So I asked why you chose her.

Your words were ‘She is as damaged as me. Being with her made me feel normal. I felt a connection between the two of us.’

It was sad that despite my effort to understand you in every aspect , you still chose someone who is damaged. You met her in a day and that’s just it. You forgot everything about us. I asked if you had se with her. You said , “You went to her place and slept together. Showered together.”  I thought maybe that was also the reason why you chose her, I could not give you what you want.

Our conversation went deeper  and I told you that it was really pointless pouring my love to a broken vessel like you that I deserve someone better and that I don’t hate you because I don’t plant hate in my heart. You just listened.

After  a while, the waitresses came and sang you a birthday song. It was my surprise to you and you were genuinely glad about it. See, at the end of the day , I still cared for you.

When we got in your car, I was out of breath. I was really sick at that time and the, you took me to our flat because I could hardly walk. I remembered you hugging me and kissing me on the forehead. I said goodbye and you said ‘Keep in touch.’ I just looked at you and turned my back. I was so exhausted.

After a few minutes, I called my bestfriend to accompany me in the hospital. All my emotional pain and stress had accumulated. I felt helpless and I was crying the whole time about our whole relationship. After that I messaged you goodbye and sent a link of my blogpost. I fucking wrote a poem about you dumbass.

My phone went dead. After 2 days of sleeping , fyi, I was even absent at work during the homeroom Christmas party,  I opened my phone and saw that you called me and asked me if I were still alive. I did not reply. At that time,  I knew that you were in RAK for your solo birthday celebration. Then, you sent me videos asking me why I was not there and all. Why were you still doing that when you had a girlfriend and I was healing? You do not have heart at all.  I never replied to your messages. You told me that you broke up with her. I told you that before.  I asked you ‘How long will it last? One month? Two”? I was a bit happy. I said to myself, “Karma is a bitch.” Still, I did not reply.  But I did not cut you off yet since I wanted you to know that I was getting back on my feet.

After 10 days, I was becoming well again. I was gaining control of my emotions and accepting the fact that we were never meant for each other. You were still so engrossed in my life since you still viewed my stories.

Then one day, you messaged me. Here are your words: YOU KNOW THAT YOU HURT ME TOO. I WAS YOUR DIRTY SECRET.  I ONLY CAME AND PICKED YOU UP WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT FOR YOU.  YOU ARE NOT DUMB SO DON’T PLAY VICTIM AND DON’T MAKE ME FEEL THAT I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. THAT SOUNDED MORE HARSH THAN WHAT I INTENDED HOPEFULLY THIS MESSAGE DID NOTREACH YOU.

That message just lingered in my mind. We were doing school stuff that time. How dare him say that I was his dirty secret? And what was that playing victim? After 12 hours, I replied.

“WHEN DID I EVER HURT YOU. WHEN YOU NEEDED TIME AND SPACE OUT OF THE BLUE, I GAVE IT. WHEN YOU SAID YOU HAVE A NEW GF, I ACCEPTED IT. I UNDERSTOOOD YOU BECAUSE I SINCERELY CARED AND HOPED THAT YOU WOULD BE BRAVER THATN YOUR ANXIETY. I NEVER PLAYED A VICTIM. I KNEW WHAT I GOT MYSELF INTO. IF YOU ARE REFERENCING MY IG STORIES, WHY ARE YOU GRAVELY AFFECTED IF YOU KNOW IT ISNT TRUE?”

I let my emotions rule. He wanted that. He hit the spot of making me communicate with him again. After that, my life started falling apart again and I missed him everyday. I started questioning myself again if it was all my fault. I greeted him Merry Christmas.

On December 26  ,  I posted a status in my whatsapp and he commented about that. He started opening up about his condition again and his family. He said that he was overdosed and that he needed me. Ad he vented on me making him a secret bad boy. He said that I saw through him and that he ran away from me because the song that he sang for me connected us.  He was afraid. He also questioned me if I was sincere because I could not sleep in his place. Before I explained to him about our family orientation and culture but it seemed that he does not listen and respect it at all.  

Furthermore, he said that  I was investing on us and that  I always wanted to leave when we were together. He said that I wouldn’t do small things like sleeping over. He turned the table.  He was playing the victim and as naïve as I was, I believed that it was my fault. That he ended ours because of me, because of my wrongdoings. He also started talking about God and mocking Him. I felt bad for not defending God.

And so, we decided to meet on Dec 28., that was Friday. I asked him if it was okay since Friday was workday for him. He said yes and that he is the boss. We agreed to see the Dubai Frame on Friday. It was definite.

December 27 night, I asked him about the details. Everything just went haywire.  He was asking if he should book a hotel in Dubai and all. I did not approve because he might try to have sex with me but then he was becoming angrier and said that what I only did for us was giving him a cake on his birthday. I was so annoyed . He wanted us to meet at that point – it was 8 pm. I told him fine but he had to pick me up. He nagged that he has feelings too and I should be the one getting a cab to his place. We fought again and he ended up blocking me in whatsapp.

I was so angry. I called him and told him to unblock me. Eventhough it was a shame to go to his place, I did. I swallowed my pride. I wanted to prove that he was wrong. That I invested a lot in this fucked-up relationship.

When I set foot at Ritz-Carlton, he was there waiting and smiling. The nerve. I was so upset with his attitude. He wanted to bring me inside his villa but I decided to go where we first kissed – the couch infront of the beach. He tried touching me but I told him not to.

When we were there, he acted as if everything was normal and fine, that we didn’t have problems and that there was nothing to talk about. I was asking him but he was not opening up. There and then I decided that it was never going to work. I did not hear any apology from him. He laid on my lap and started getting clingy. I resisted to hold him back. I was very scared of him.

We went to his villa. He carried me to his couch and hugged me so close. I felt blank. His warmth was like a poison. I asked him if he tried enough for our relationship. He closed my one eye and asked me, “Try to look at me with your two eyes.” I got his point and I reflected about his condition. Somehow, I trusted him again. He brought me to his bed. We stared at each other.

He kissed me. I felt anguish. He kissed me again. I hated myself.

Later that night, he pointed out that he only had a relationship with the girl to push me away, that it was the only way for me to give up on him. Later on, he was saying that we were both addicted to pain. As the talk went on, he went on telling me that the fault is on me. I stood up and asked, ‘ Why are you always blaming me?’ He was defending himself all night and made himself looked like the victim.

When he started kissing me again, I did not feel the love that I felt before. Eventhough we shared a kind of intimacy, my soul, heart and mind were in another galaxy. I broke down. I cried and cried. He asked why and I told him that I am so scared of you hurting me again. He was silent. He did not reassure me that he won’t do it again.

I did not sleep the whole night. I lied to my sister that I was in my bestfriend’s house. See what you do for a guy? She was against him. She wanted me to stop communicating with him.

In the morning, he was getting ready for work. I thought he was not going since we agreed to see the Dubai Frame – it was December 28. He dressed me up with my socks and jacket and decided to drop me off at home. I asked him if we’re still going to Dubai and he said that he’ll just text me. At that point, I sensed that he will do the same thing again – he won’t show up, block me in social media and leave me hanging.

Later on,  I said that we could still go to the movie. He said yes but before the screening, he said that he couldn’t make it because he was so exhausted. I was so disappointed.  I have decided that I have to end this whole shitty affair.

I wrote a breakup letter. I decided to see him that night , pretend that everything is fine and leave the letter before he wakes up.

I asked my friend to drop me at the Ritz Carlton that night. I lied again to my sister about where I was. I called him. At first, he was not answering but thankfully, he did. He was fast asleep.

He was not pleased to see me. As a matter of fact, he was angry. He said that I disturbed his sleep and he was not also able to sleep last night because of me.

I know it was not going to be a pleasant night. Then, he smoked shisha in his balcony.  I asked for liquor and he gave me whisky. He talked about his family, his life and all. He opened up more than before.  But then I asked him about marriage, he doesn’t believe in it. He wants kids but doesn’t like to settle down. I wonder if he really wants kids remembering what he did in Turkey. He is not a good man. I can’t see him as the father of my children.

We went inside because he said that I was too loud. Then, he said I was drunk. I was not drunk, I was just dizzy. He wanted me to go home because he thought that I was intoxicated and that something might happen to us that night which I really did not want. In fairness to him, he doesn’t want to have sex with me when I am drunk. He still has some kind of respect. Moving on, he let me sleep there again.  That night, he became more comfortable and genuine. Or so I thought.

So I planned to leave the letter in the early morning but I couldn’t. He would wake up in every move and I did not want to hurt him as much. We had a nice breakfast and he was really in light mood. He was extremely happy but I know that I cannot love him again. It cant be repaired. After he showered, I went to the bathroom and hid my letter in his drawer.

He dropped me off and I messaged him that that was the last time he was ever going to see me , that I love him but breaking up was for the both of us. I told him about the letter and asked him to read it for my explanation.

Leaving him was both reliving but at the same time, devastating.

After a few hours, he messaged me that he has read the letter and that he was sorry. He admitted that he hurt me  but he said that he was really happy and started being comfortable with me. I cried after reading that. I had What ifs. What if I have given him more time to be okay, what if I ruined our chance to be with each other, What if I extended my patience more?

I did not reply.

After two days, I was rereading our messages in whatsapp. I blocked, unblocked blocked and unblocked him. Accidentally, I sent a recording to him. He replied.

I GAVE YOU HONESTY. I GAVE YOU LOVE. WHEN  DROPPED YOU OFF, I WAS OPTIMISTIC ABOUT IS. TALK ABOUT A GUT PUNCH YOUDID IT. I READ AND REREAD AND READ AGAIN YOUR LETTER. IT WAS BETRAYAL ON PINK LETTERHEAD.

ME: I LOVE YOU. COULD YOU SAY THAT?

HIM: I LOVE YOU. YOU HURT ME. I HURT YOU TOO BUT I TOLD YOU IM GOING THROUGH THINGS. I DELETED EVERYTHING – MY IG, TWITTER. I HAD TO EMAIL MY FRIENDS THAT ID DIDN’T DIE. I FELT COMFORTABLE IN AWAY WITH YOU THAT I HAD NEVER FELT. I COULD HAVE SAID THAT I LOVE YOU WHEN I DROPPED YOU OFF BUT YOU WERE ACTING WEIRD.

Then it struck me. He finally said that he loves me. He loves me! He was always afraid of saying  I love you. I felt mixed emotions. I wanted to believe him but I have many doubts.

ME:  I JUST WANTED YOU TO PRIORITIZE ME ON THAT DAY. DEC. 28. JUST FOR A MOVIE FOR TWO HOURS.

HIM: I AM DONE ARGUING THIS. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR ORCHESTRATED A BREAKUP.

ME: SEE? YOU ARE RUNNING AWAY AGAIN.

HIM: YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. I MA DEVASTATED AND YOU ARE HAUNTING ME.

ME: I AM DEVASTATED TOO.

HIM: GOODBYE KATRINA. WE WILL BOTH GROW FROM THIS. PLEASE DON’T ENTER MY LIFE AGAIN. I LOVE YOU.

Then , he blocked me again.

After a few hours, he asked me to come over.

I was very much worried since he might hurt himself.

 I called him, shit. And he said that he loves me.

At the end of the night, we said I love you’s to each other. He unblocked me again and promised not to block me anymore.

In the morning, I asked him whats going to happen between us. He doesn’t know. I wanted us to talk again but he answered that he was emotionally drained.  I tried opening up but he did not entertain me. So, I left it. The next day, I messaged him that if he is ready, he can message me anytime.

He replied that he owed me an explanation and that we would meet the next day at 5 pm.

HIM: 5 PM IS FINE.

ME: YOU GOTTA COME. BE A MAN.

HIM: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A MAN.

ME: NIGHT.

HIM:  ARE YOU GOING TO BE A WOMAN? NOT LEAVE NOTES? DO WHAT I DID A FEW TIMES AND EXPLAIN MY EMOTIONS

ME: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY, SAVE IT FOR TOMORROW. I NEED TO SLEEP.

HIM: DON’T TOUCH ME TOMORROW. IT SEEMS TO BE YOUR WEAKNESS. IM JUST WAITING YOU TO BE CLEAR OF MIND. THREE DAYS ON THIS MEDICINE, I AM PLANNING FOR FIVE KIDS.

I read that in the morning. Before 5 pm, I called him. He was ending all my calls. I messaged him if he is still coming.

ME: IF YOU ARE AFRAID AGAIN AND CANT BE TRUE TO WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT THAT YOU OWE ME AN EXPLANTION, JUST SAY IT. IF YOU CANT MAN UP, SAY IT.

After a series of calls, he replied.

HIM: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR TOXICITY.  I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE NO SYMPATHY.

Then as usual, he blocked me.

After that, I expressed all my frustration and anger on sms. I don’t know if he read all of those. I blocked him too on all accounts and deleted his number and all that would remind me of him.

MY LAST MESSAGE: I AM DONE WITH YOU. DON’T YOU EVER COME BACK. I WASTED MY MONTHS WITH YOU.  I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

So, that’s basically it.

A fucked-up story.

I really don’t know the reason why he did not come. He  was ending the call so it means he was holding it and just didn’t want to answer. Was he in a meeting? If I was really important to him, he could have texted me to wait. That would not take much of his time, right? If he is really decided to talk to me, eh could have done something.

Maybe he really didn’t want us to meet again. He made me expect to hurt me. He wanted his revenge. He always wanted to be the one ending a relationship. HE is narcissis, an emotional manipulator, a fearful avoidant.

He is very much broken and I cant believe that I loved someone like him.

---to be continued