Today is December 30 – one day
left before 2018 ends.
It’s the time of the year in
which I have to reflect on what transpired for the past 12 months.
First, I got back to teaching.
There was a little setback though like flying to Oman again for my 3rd
exit but thanks God because after a while I finally got my residence visa. My
career was finally settling down after a long wait and a series of unfortunate
events, and I was happy because I was starting a new chapter in my profession.
Second, I dealt with kids - Grades
3, 4 5 and 6 and I couldn’t be more excited than to work with young people. I
had to adjust for sure especially with instruction, lesson pace and classroom
management. It was all about extending my patience and being more sensitive, open
and accommodating to them. It was a very different environment compared to
teaching in junior and senior high school but it taught me to be a parent and
for that, it opened the idea that yes, I want to have my own family especially
my own children. I guess being immersed in elementary had made me very
emotional and to always put myself into others’ shoes. It is positive but it
also made me choose others over myself.
Third, I had been active in
church for the first few months. I was able to join National Conference,
Singolympics , household and other activities. I was growing up, becoming
nicer, being more comfortable with the community, my faith was becoming
stronger but then, I became busy with work and was always stressed and I forgot
about my promise to God.
Fourth, when I forgot my Godly promise,
I started committing more sins. I became engrossed with associating myself with
guys. I dated several guys from social media apps and it was devastating. I
really wanted to have a boyfriend and I believed that I could find it on my
own.
Heartbreaks:
Filipino friend. It lasted for a month. He was courting somebody else
then she said yes. He walked away from me.
American guy. It lasted for almost five months through chat. Turned
out, he is married. His wife called me.
British guy. It lasted for two months but he was scared of commitment.
He blocked me.
Fifth, I lost myself. It started when I met him. I couldn’t even
express how heartbreaking our relationship is because I just broke up with him
yesterday. The wound is still fresh and I am very unstable and confused about
everything that occurred between us. I pushed my boundaries, swallowed my pride
and renounced God to be with him. He left me three times but whenever he comes
back, I take him back again and again. I
let him hurt me over and over until all was left was a shattered soul.
And yesterday, I had to decide to free myself from all the pain I’ve
been through because I want a healthy and painless relationship. I couldn’t do
it anymore. I want my old self, the one that is fun , independent, stress-free,
outgoing and productive. I said goodbye for the two of us gently. I couldn’t afford
to say it in person, he was genuinely happy and carefree and it would cause me
more pain if I saw him hurt. I love him a lot but it is for the both of us; he
needs to fix his own issues and I need to learn to love myself and not depend
on others for my own happiness. I was
very scared to be hurt for the fourth time by the same person and that fear
became greater than my love for him. If he only assured me that he will not
leave me again, I could have hold on and stayed. If he held my hand and said
his true feelings, my fear could have been washed away. If he only respected God and my beliefs, it
could have been a fresh start. If he only fulfilled his promise to take me out,
if he only had been more understanding of my feelings not only just his own
condition, if only he admitted his mistakes, if only he apologized, if only he
wanted marriage, if only he said that he
loves me while looking straight into my eyes. But no, he never did any of
those. At that point, I decided to
choose myself and walking away from him might be the best decision and respect
I gave to myself.
I know that I am back to zero in terms of moving on. Nevertheless, I
don’t regret anything. Last year, I learned to trust God. This year, I untrust
Him, it’s my fault though but I want to make it up to Him. Who else do I have
to lean on and be open about everything? Also, 2018 taught me love the hard
way. I learned that pain and love are similar in terms of breaking you. As of
now, I am not seeing myself to be with someone real soon or finding someone for
a romantic relationship. Love will find its way to me when I am ready again. I
just want to heal, recover, be at peace and focus on work. I lost track again
of my goals but that’s why we have chances.
That’s it for 2018. 2019, bring it on!
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