Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Friday, 9 August 2019

Turtles all the way down by John Green: A Book Review

Turtles all the way down by John Green: A Book Review
Genre: Young Adult, psychological
Publication Date: 2017
Setting: Indianapolis
Characters: Aza Holmes, Daisy, Davis, Mychal, Aza’s Mom, Dr. Singh (psychiatrist)

Summary:
This is  a story about Aza and her spiraling thoughts coupled with her OCD. She has high anxiety especially with germs to the point that kissing made her swallow sanitizer. She always thinks that she’ll be infected with the bacteria Clostridium difficile. She has the habit of pressing her right thumbnail into the finger pad of her middle finger. She covers it up with band-aid but when she is worried, she drains it by reopening the wound and pressing out any blood that will come. 

Her best friend’s name is Daisy, a star wars fanatic and a fan fiction author. She is a working student, her family is not well-off, and later on, convinced Aza to find David Pickett, Sr. the billionaire fugitive for there’s a reward of 100,000 dollars waiting. 

Aza and Davis Jr had a past; they joined the Sad Camp together when they lost one of their parents. Aza knew about the night vision camera since she used to play in Davis’ house when they were young. Aza and Daisy had one information to tell the police but Davis gave them 100,000 dollars in exchange of their silence. 

Aza and Davis fell for one another, Mychal and Daisy , too. Aza and Daisy got into an accident because of an argument about Daisy referencing Aza in her fictional stories, that Aza was  a useless and pessimistic friend. Aza recovered, their friendship became stronger but their romantic relationships had a different ending.

Themes
Anxiety
Aza’s thoughts cannot be shut down. Through her character, we come to know how the mind of anxious people operates. It is something that cannot be controlled by themselves; it just spirals and spirals until it tightens and suffocates them. They think a lot, worry a lot and not care too much of their environment. It is like they are physically present but their mind is projected onto something else like in Aza’s case, the microbes swarming inside her. She doesn’t know where Daisy’s parents work in spite of their longtime friendship. This also means that anxiety makes a person be socially unaware because ot the pressure of their thoughts. Aza also relies on her late Dad’s old phone for emotional support. Aza has a psychiatrist named Dr. Singh but she does not take her medications . She feels like the medicine is making her worse.

Like all the characters of John Green, Aza exemplifies a young and smart woman. It’s just that she has a mental problem. However, this issue has made her more analytic and unique, in my own opinion.  The introspection and conversations between Aza and the other characters proved how intelligent and reflective she is.

Parent-child
Davis’ father ran away. Davis and his younger brother, Noah had always sought for a responsible father which they could never find from their own. Their riches were infinite but when it comes to the love and affection from their dad, it is nonexistent.
Their father neglected them and left all his riches to a tuatara, a reptile. Also, he never contacted his sons when he eloped.
Aza and her mom had a great relationship. Daisy and her parents, too. It only means that the treasure lies not on the wealth but the bond in a family.

Reflection
John Green’s most famous novel The Fault in Our Stars for me is overrated.  Both the book and movie did not distress or please me. I really think it was too soapy and mainstream. Secondly, I watched and read Paper Towns and I found it so much better. Turtles all the way down is not that I-will-not-sleep-until –I-finished-this book. That is both a compliment and a slur. 

Compliment. First, some of the conversations need to be digested; hence, the need to stop and rest. In order to fully immerse yourself into the story, you must not finish this book in one seating. You have to take your time because of its psychological essence. Reading the thoughts of Aza also makes you feel trapped in your own thoughts and may question your own mental health. For example, the characterization of Aza could make you feel like you are also suffering from anxiety disorder. Overthinking, high heart rate, feeling nervous or powerless, having sense of impending danger, panic attacks, feeling stuck and empty, and sleeplessness are some of the signs of anxiety. 

You can also associate yourself because of her line of thinking. Example, in the first chapter of the book. She said, Life is a story told about you, not one that you tell. You pretend to be the author but in reality, you are the canvas, not the painter. She felt that herself was not hers. IF you think about this, it is very debatable, philosophically speaking. The ‘free will’ is questionable.  Are we really creating our destiny or has it been planned by God or the cosmos? 

There are many thoughts of Aza that could be analyzed in detail. The short poems of Davis are also worthy of studying. He introduced his writing through a quote or a poem by a famous writer and then he associates it with his personal experience. All of these are profound and  deep. 

Slur. There was lack of suspense. Yes, the major conflict is internal but I just didn’t find any vibe with its turn of events. IF not for Aza and Davis, the whole story would have been plain and boring.

Friday, 2 August 2019

This is the last time I am going to write about love.








This is the last time I am going to write about love.


Love always fascinated me at a young age. I would always visualize myself meeting love under the pouring rain or in a bookstore, his head buried in a Harry Potter series. I wanted love to dress in his unbuttoned white long sleeves, wearing that playful smile with perfectly-aligned, pearly teeth. His eyes - blue and sparkling, his lips – pink and soft, his fragrance, new and fresh like spring. He ought to be good- looking, tall, smart, conversationalist, adventurous, financially stable, and family-oriented.

With all these self-constructed standards, I remained single for 27 years. I was happy, though. Then, I dated enough to realize that the thrill wears off when a man does not challenge me.

Romantic movies with complicated plot and tragic endings arouse my interest; star-crossed lovers, characters dying at the end, thats my thing. And maybe, that 'challenging' mindset and this 'complicated' interest brought me to where I was months ago. Love ticked off most of the standards Ive set and I thought , he was the one.

I learned that love is blissfully painful. There is pain in being happy and happiness in being hurt.

Love is a verb - it kisses, hugs, dances and inspires. Love does not focus on his past. It accepts and sacrifices.  Love exposes you to an unraveled dimension. Love reinforces you to do it for the sake of love.  But love also lies, accuses, denies, leaves, returns, ghosts, stops, and shatters. Love overlooks the red flags that are right there waving and begging for your attention. Love doubts, disappoints, abandons, manipulates, neglect, scars and empties you.

Love holds on, forgives, accepts again, and tries again. Love tries again but fails. It can fail because of cultural differences, personality combats, family disapproval, religious beliefs, values, and upbringing. No matter how great your love is for one another, it will never be enough to keep the flames alive.

But it does not mean that when love fails, you have failed to love. Love might be the verb but you are still your own subject. You are the DOER.

DO grieve. Do cry. Do self-pity. Do ask what went wrong this time. Do self-blame. You have to admit that you had your share of the plate because the signs had been there all along but your head was full of these rainbow illusions that he would change for you. Burst these fantasy balloons and witness the story from the outside. 



Now you ask yourself, why do you attract people who are toxic and/or emotionally unavailable? Why does this pattern keep on repeating? Simple, we attract who and what we are. The level of value we see in ourselves is the same level that the people we attract tend to have. 



YES, just do and go through the stages of breaking up. But after that, DO help yourself to heal and stand again.  It is not easy to do but it can be done. Let go of things that are not serving you. Breaking up does not mean that you force yourself to forget and unlove him. Moving on is a slow process but when you really do it and accept that you can never be together again, that's beautiful. This is for the both of you. Sanity and health are at stake.

Be happy for him. Be happy for them. Be happy for yourself and for the happier things coming your way. Have the drive to understand yourself more and reach your goals. Use logic that someone worthy exists. And if there are times that you cannot comprehend what is unfolding right now, trust the process. Circumstances are realigning for the higher good. Be happy that you have embraced love. You may look back but do not regret. You have loved and you were loved. You will love and be loved again. And that's all that matters.  

Sunday, 30 December 2018

DONE FOR 2018!


Today is December 30 – one day left before 2018 ends.
It’s the time of the year in which I have to reflect on what transpired for the past 12 months.
First, I got back to teaching. There was a little setback though like flying to Oman again for my 3rd exit but thanks God because after a while I finally got my residence visa. My career was finally settling down after a long wait and a series of unfortunate events, and I was happy because I was starting a new chapter in my profession.
Second, I dealt with kids - Grades 3, 4 5 and 6 and I couldn’t be more excited than to work with young people. I had to adjust for sure especially with instruction, lesson pace and classroom management. It was all about extending my patience and being more sensitive, open and accommodating to them. It was a very different environment compared to teaching in junior and senior high school but it taught me to be a parent and for that, it opened the idea that yes, I want to have my own family especially my own children. I guess being immersed in elementary had made me very emotional and to always put myself into others’ shoes. It is positive but it also made me choose others over myself.
Third, I had been active in church for the first few months. I was able to join National Conference, Singolympics , household and other activities. I was growing up, becoming nicer, being more comfortable with the community, my faith was becoming stronger but then, I became busy with work and was always stressed and I forgot about my promise to God.
Fourth, when I forgot my Godly promise, I started committing more sins. I became engrossed with associating myself with guys. I dated several guys from social media apps and it was devastating. I really wanted to have a boyfriend and I believed that I could find it on my own.
Heartbreaks:
Filipino friend. It lasted for a month. He was courting somebody else then she said yes. He walked away from me.
American guy. It lasted for almost five months through chat. Turned out, he is married. His wife called me.
British guy. It lasted for two months but he was scared of commitment. He blocked me.

Fifth, I lost myself. It started when I met him. I couldn’t even express how heartbreaking our relationship is because I just broke up with him yesterday. The wound is still fresh and I am very unstable and confused about everything that occurred between us. I pushed my boundaries, swallowed my pride and renounced God to be with him. He left me three times but whenever he comes back,  I take him back again and again. I let him hurt me over and over until all was left was a shattered soul.

And yesterday, I had to decide to free myself from all the pain I’ve been through because I want a healthy and painless relationship. I couldn’t do it anymore. I want my old self, the one that is fun , independent, stress-free, outgoing and productive. I said goodbye for the two of us gently. I couldn’t afford to say it in person, he was genuinely happy and carefree and it would cause me more pain if I saw him hurt. I love him a lot but it is for the both of us; he needs to fix his own issues and I need to learn to love myself and not depend on others for my own happiness.  I was very scared to be hurt for the fourth time by the same person and that fear became greater than my love for him. If he only assured me that he will not leave me again, I could have hold on and stayed. If he held my hand and said his true feelings, my fear could have been washed away.  If he only respected God and my beliefs, it could have been a fresh start. If he only fulfilled his promise to take me out, if he only had been more understanding of my feelings not only just his own condition, if only he admitted his mistakes, if only he apologized, if only he wanted marriage, if  only he said that he loves me while looking straight into my eyes. But no, he never did any of those.  At that point, I decided to choose myself and walking away from him might be the best decision and respect I gave to myself.

I know that I am back to zero in terms of moving on. Nevertheless, I don’t regret anything. Last year, I learned to trust God. This year, I untrust Him, it’s my fault though but I want to make it up to Him. Who else do I have to lean on and be open about everything? Also, 2018 taught me love the hard way. I learned that pain and love are similar in terms of breaking you. As of now, I am not seeing myself to be with someone real soon or finding someone for a romantic relationship. Love will find its way to me when I am ready again. I just want to heal, recover, be at peace and focus on work. I lost track again of my goals but that’s why we have chances.

That’s it for 2018. 2019, bring it on!






Friday, 14 September 2018

Conjectures of Sagging Values

Conjectures of Sagging Values


When I was in my early 20’s , I wondered how people can be so evil despite their age. I wondered how young people are a lot better than the adults despite their minimal life experiences. I wondered why their experiences in life had not been a stepping stone to shape their morality and values. They should know. Because they’re grown-ups.

But at this point, it is also the same nagging reason why they step to the dark side. They are grown-ups. I mean, we are grown-ups.

I don’t know when this started. I am not sure what triggered me to be what I am now. Maybe it happened five months ago when I met this guy or maybe, it happened when I was 8 years old, then it just builds up. It might have began from my boring dates and the heartaches, or the restrictions I had for the entire 25 years of existence. I was not allowed to have a boyfriend , and like other Filipino teenagers, I had a curfew. I was a bird kept in a cage. And when I was freed, I couldn’t stop.

I am naturally curious. I don’t follow rules because experience doesn’t thrive on following them. Fun is elusive if you become too rigid. Fun and a hella loads of experience create memories and drive your life. The problem is that I am also naturally emotional. I easily get attached . Instead of having fun, I invest my attention and time to whatever and whoever treats me special. This is branching out, sorry. So, let me divulge you my conjectures on how age sags our values:

1. The bad experiences are hardwired in our brain. Those have shaped us and there’s no escape but to be worse.
What’s the sense of being good if life is bad? Then when you thought that you’ve had enough, another problem has smacked you hard. It sucks to stay nice and virtuous. Tiring, even.
2. We are all naturally curious and temptations are lurking everywhere. We are preys of worldly desires- money, sex and fame, to name some.
3. It is easier to give in to the devil.
4. Being evil is a trend. Research says that in this digital world, evil is even better than a mediocre. Mediocres are a nobody, whereas evils are liked, followed and worshipped.  Since this is ‘in’,  the pressure to conform is powerful.
5. We are surrounded with bad people. Environmental hazards, fyi. LOL
6.  We lack self –control.
7. We don’t pray. We lost our faith and direction.
8. We believe that we cannot change.
9. Evil is more fascinating. Horror, suspense, thriller movies sell a lot. Goodness is restrictive and boring. The more you adhere to rules, the greater your innate evil is to expose itself.

I can go more and more. But when you’ve come to the point where you can rationalize bad deeds, that’s when you know you are losing your values. I think I am.

Thursday, 9 August 2018

It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover: A Book Review






It Ends With Us by Colleen Hover: A Book Review
Aug. 9 2018

I am familiar with the author’s name since I see it in a lot of bookstores. But when I saw the IG post of Lovi Poe and I quote, “Colleen Hoover is probably the reason why my standards of men are high,” I was really intrigued so I searched her name and watched book reviews in youtube and the rest is pretty much history.

I picked It Ends With Us first because the male protagonist is a neurosurgeon and you know how much I am obsessed with those kinds of characters. Lol

Summary
Lily came from an abusive household. Her father who is the town mayor and real-estate holder hits and rapes her mother but never got the courage to leave him. When he died, her mother asked her to deliver a eulogy but during her speech, Lily was not able to express five great things about her father because there was none.  Lily flew back to Boston and found a rooftop to vent her anger and that’s where she met Ryle, a driven, captivating and utterly successful neurosurgeon.

They had an honest conversation which they termed NAKED Truths. It was revealed then that Ryle wants to fuck Lily (that was his term. Haha)  in which she strongly rejected. During their talk, she mentioned her past and that she had sex with a homeless during her teenage years. Ryle almost kissed Lily if not for the phone call from work. After six months, they saw each other again through Alyssa, wife of Marshall (the bestfriend of Ryle) in her would-be flower shop.

They eventually dated but then in a restaurant, Lily saw Atlas, her first love, the homeless guy who turned out to be the restaurant owner and best chef in Boston. Atlas knew about her situation before so when he saw the cut on Lily he confronted her then Ryle showed up.

The next chapters were Ryle’s temper and how this affected their relationship. Ryle’s temper couldn’t be controlled so  he ended up hurting Lily physically. They were married back then. Ryle apologized and promised not to hurt her again but he broke it again and again. Reason? Jealousy.

Atlas rescued her after Ryle headbutted her. They soon found out that Lily was pregnant.

I thought Ryle would change himself and Lily would accept him again but Lily wanted a divorce after she gave birth.

After a year, they were separated and Lily met Atlas again.

Reaction

Characterization
I was disappointed with Ryle. You know when you are rooting for someone because he was projected as the perfect guy in the beginning and in the middle, he was so broken and pitiful and in the end, he was  just a pretty and smart-ass guy. Nobody wants to end up with someone like him, right? With Ryle’s character, we need not to rely on the good lucks and accomplishments. And a relationship must not be rushed most especially marriage. Don’t be like Lily. Get to know the person first. It takes time but it will save you a lot from heartaches and abuse.
Colleen is an expert in characterization. Her characters are dynamic and impressively human.

Social Issues
This story also made light on domestic violence. That you will never know how it feels when you’re in that same exact situation.  It’s easy to say ‘leave him’ but the emotions that were invested and the people  that will be affected would be more important than all the beatings.

And for this, eventhough the church does not approve of it, I am pro-annulment.

Why stay in a fucked-up marriage? You can raise children by yourself.

About the issue of homelessness. It’s also easy for us to judge them. Easy to say that they are lazy and that they should grind their ass; however, we do not  know the whole story to begin with. If we only put more action in being kind and compassionate, the world would be much better to live in.

Style
Her plot twists are insane. I like how she repeats some of the lines for impact and how she connects all the events. She is a master storyteller. She has simple writing but it is evident, how universal and poignant the emotions are.

Favorite Lines
“I am going to make a promise to you, when my life is good enough for you to be a part of it, I’ll come find you. But I don’t want you to wait around for me, because that might never happen.”

“People come in like waves, trickling in and out with the tide. Some waves are much bigger and make more of an impact than others.  Sometimes, waves bring with them things from deep in the bottom of the sea and they leave those thing tossed onto the shore. Imprints against the grains of sand that prove the waves had once been there, long after the tide recedes.”

“You make me want to be a different person but what if I don’t know how to be what you need?  I want to prove to you  that I want you for so much more than just one night.”

“All humans make mistakes. What determines a person’s character aren’t the mistakes we make. It’s how we take those mistakes and turn them into lessons rather than excuses.”

“I’ll  keep pretending to swim, when really all I’m doing is floating. Barely keeping my head above water.”





Monday, 25 June 2018

Walong Walang hanggan





Walong Walang hanggan

Walong beses
Naaalala pa rin kita
Sa mga oras na mag-isa
Ikaw ang aking ginugunita
Sabik akong makasama ka
Pero wala akong magawa
Dahil ang oo niya’y
Napasakamay mo na.

Refrain:
At akoý patuloy pa ring
Nag-aabang
Kahit na iniwan na lang
Bakit nga ba ganito
Kung sinong nagmahal
Siya pa rin ang
Mawawasak
At di makalaya sa ala-ala.

Chorus :
Akoý pansamantala.
Panandaliang pagsasama
Sa-ndaling oras ng saya
Man-ghihingi ng isa pang araw
Tayo ay
La-langoy tungo sa dagat ng
Habangbuhay.

Oh, walong beses
Akala ko walang hanggan na
Walong beses
Akala ko tayo na
Iyon pala paikot-ikot lang
Tapos na paglalaro
Wala palang tayo.

Repeat Chorus Twice