Untangle the Tangles this 2020

This year was all tangled because I started it by filling–in broken (non-refillable) vessels.  It lasted for three more months, but then we decided to  part ways, for real. In the process of moving on, gym became my sanctuary.  I got pretty addicted with working out, and I also started eating healthy. I was getting better, physically and mentally speaking, and I was more focused with the world around me. 

Then, I met someone nice and caring, we dated but turned out, he was my rebound, and to be fair, he had other pressing priorities; I was not on the  list. But it was okay, I was productive at work and even received many certificates of recognition during our year-end program. 

I and my ex met once again. I told myself that maybe, we could start over but after a week, he told me he likes someone else. Afterwards came swirling, engulfing tidal waves of self-loathing and insecurity attacks. Insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, and headaches became a part of my routine.  Few days later, I almost hit my head on the toilet bowl because of drinking hard. 

It was tough but I managed to crawl towards the light. Gratefully, I was able to continue my workout and through teaching and the kids in school, I was pretty happier, and felt valued. I cut my hair, created a youtube channel, read more books, created goodreads account, wrote more blogs and book reviews, studied and finished my TEFL course, attended Liveloud Concert, visited lots of schools, museums and tourist spots, and most importantly, completed the 9-day simbang gabi with my gym buddies. 

Now, I could say that I am in a better place. I admit I am a handful, bit lunatic (and impulsive) at times, but if I am not this persona, I would not learn at all. I’ve grown a lot for the past 12 months especially when it comes to knowing what I deserve or not. I know how to distinguish the good from the bad, the toxic from the healthy, the permanent from the temporary. I know how to say no and later, who cares and whatever. I know how to say fudge, I messed up but it's not the end of the freaking world. I learned to accept that there are people who must leave in order for you to live. I learned that no matter how broken you are, you are yourself, you made this, you chose this, and you are going to embrace it. At the end of the day, you are the one to decide who you're gonna be. 

2019 was tangled, all right. However, these tangles will only be tangles if you let them trap you forever. I understand, it's a pressure to see others getting engaged, married, giving birth, traveling,  --- these are what we see all over social media, anyways -- but I believe, we all have our unique timelines. Yours is still brewing. And my dear, I can't wait for your turn! I am confident that tomorrow, we will smell the sweet aroma of your success. 

DONE FOR 2018!

Today is December 30 – one day left before 2018 ends.

It’s the time of the year in which I have to reflect on what transpired for the past 12 months.

First, I got back to teaching. There was a little setback though like flying to Oman again for my 3^rd exit but thanks God because after a while I finally got my residence visa. My career was finally settling down after a long wait and a series of unfortunate events, and I was happy because I was starting a new chapter in my profession.

Second, I dealt with kids - Grades 3, 4 5 and 6 and I couldn’t be more excited than to work with young people. I had to adjust for sure especially with instruction, lesson pace and classroom management. It was all about extending my patience and being more sensitive, open and accommodating to them. It was a very different environment compared to teaching in junior and senior high school but it taught me to be a parent and for that, it opened the idea that yes, I want to have my own family especially my own children. I guess being immersed in elementary had made me very emotional and to always put myself into others’ shoes. It is positive but it also made me choose others over myself.

Third, I had been active in church for the first few months. I was able to join National Conference, Singolympics , household and other activities. I was growing up, becoming nicer, being more comfortable with the community, my faith was becoming stronger but then, I became busy with work and was always stressed and I forgot about my promise to God.

Fourth, when I forgot my Godly promise, I started committing more sins. I became engrossed with associating myself with guys. I dated several guys from social media apps and it was devastating. I really wanted to have a boyfriend and I believed that I could find it on my own.

Heartbreaks:

Filipino friend. It lasted for a month. He was courting somebody else then she said yes. He walked away from me.

American guy. It lasted for almost five months through chat. Turned out, he is married. His wife called me.

British guy. It lasted for two months but he was scared of commitment. He blocked me.

Fifth, I lost myself. It started when I met him. I couldn’t even express how heartbreaking our relationship is because I just broke up with him yesterday. The wound is still fresh and I am very unstable and confused about everything that occurred between us. I pushed my boundaries, swallowed my pride and renounced God to be with him. He left me three times but whenever he comes back,  I take him back again and again. I let him hurt me over and over until all was left was a shattered soul.

And yesterday, I had to decide to free myself from all the pain I’ve been through because I want a healthy and painless relationship. I couldn’t do it anymore. I want my old self, the one that is fun , independent, stress-free, outgoing and productive. I said goodbye for the two of us gently. I couldn’t afford to say it in person, he was genuinely happy and carefree and it would cause me more pain if I saw him hurt. I love him a lot but it is for the both of us; he needs to fix his own issues and I need to learn to love myself and not depend on others for my own happiness.  I was very scared to be hurt for the fourth time by the same person and that fear became greater than my love for him. If he only assured me that he will not leave me again, I could have hold on and stayed. If he held my hand and said his true feelings, my fear could have been washed away.  If he only respected God and my beliefs, it could have been a fresh start. If he only fulfilled his promise to take me out, if he only had been more understanding of my feelings not only just his own condition, if only he admitted his mistakes, if only he apologized, if only he wanted marriage, if  only he said that he loves me while looking straight into my eyes. But no, he never did any of those.  At that point, I decided to choose myself and walking away from him might be the best decision and respect I gave to myself.

I know that I am back to zero in terms of moving on. Nevertheless, I don’t regret anything. Last year, I learned to trust God. This year, I untrust Him, it’s my fault though but I want to make it up to Him. Who else do I have to lean on and be open about everything? Also, 2018 taught me love the hard way. I learned that pain and love are similar in terms of breaking you. As of now, I am not seeing myself to be with someone real soon or finding someone for a romantic relationship. Love will find its way to me when I am ready again. I just want to heal, recover, be at peace and focus on work. I lost track again of my goals but that’s why we have chances.

That’s it for 2018. 2019, bring it on!

Conjectures of Sagging Values

Conjectures of Sagging Values

When I was in my early 20’s , I wondered how people can be so evil despite their age. I wondered how young people are a lot better than the adults despite their minimal life experiences. I wondered why their experiences in life had not been a stepping stone to shape their morality and values. They should know. Because they’re grown-ups.

But at this point, it is also the same nagging reason why they step to the dark side. They are grown-ups. I mean, we are grown-ups.

I don’t know when this started. I am not sure what triggered me to be what I am now. Maybe it happened five months ago when I met this guy or maybe, it happened when I was 8 years old, then it just builds up. It might have began from my boring dates and the heartaches, or the restrictions I had for the entire 25 years of existence. I was not allowed to have a boyfriend , and like other Filipino teenagers, I had a curfew. I was a bird kept in a cage. And when I was freed, I couldn’t stop.

I am naturally curious. I don’t follow rules because experience doesn’t thrive on following them. Fun is elusive if you become too rigid. Fun and a hella loads of experience create memories and drive your life. The problem is that I am also naturally emotional. I easily get attached . Instead of having fun, I invest my attention and time to whatever and whoever treats me special. This is branching out, sorry. So, let me divulge you my conjectures on how age sags our values:

1. The bad experiences are hardwired in our brain. Those have shaped us and there’s no escape but to be worse.

What’s the sense of being good if life is bad? Then when you thought that you’ve had enough, another problem has smacked you hard. It sucks to stay nice and virtuous. Tiring, even.

2. We are all naturally curious and temptations are lurking everywhere. We are preys of worldly desires- money, sex and fame, to name some.

3. It is easier to give in to the devil.

4. Being evil is a trend. Research says that in this digital world, evil is even better than a mediocre. Mediocres are a nobody, whereas evils are liked, followed and worshipped.  Since this is ‘in’,  the pressure to conform is powerful.

5. We are surrounded with bad people. Environmental hazards, fyi. LOL

6.  We lack self –control.

7. We don’t pray. We lost our faith and direction.

8. We believe that we cannot change.

9. Evil is more fascinating. Horror, suspense, thriller movies sell a lot. Goodness is restrictive and boring. The more you adhere to rules, the greater your innate evil is to expose itself.

I can go more and more. But when you’ve come to the point where you can rationalize bad deeds, that’s when you know you are losing your values. I think I am.