Untangle the Tangles this 2020

This year was all tangled because I started it by filling–in broken (non-refillable) vessels.  It lasted for three more months, but then we decided to  part ways, for real. In the process of moving on, gym became my sanctuary.  I got pretty addicted with working out, and I also started eating healthy. I was getting better, physically and mentally speaking, and I was more focused with the world around me. 

Then, I met someone nice and caring, we dated but turned out, he was my rebound, and to be fair, he had other pressing priorities; I was not on the  list. But it was okay, I was productive at work and even received many certificates of recognition during our year-end program. 

I and my ex met once again. I told myself that maybe, we could start over but after a week, he told me he likes someone else. Afterwards came swirling, engulfing tidal waves of self-loathing and insecurity attacks. Insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, and headaches became a part of my routine.  Few days later, I almost hit my head on the toilet bowl because of drinking hard. 

It was tough but I managed to crawl towards the light. Gratefully, I was able to continue my workout and through teaching and the kids in school, I was pretty happier, and felt valued. I cut my hair, created a youtube channel, read more books, created goodreads account, wrote more blogs and book reviews, studied and finished my TEFL course, attended Liveloud Concert, visited lots of schools, museums and tourist spots, and most importantly, completed the 9-day simbang gabi with my gym buddies. 

Now, I could say that I am in a better place. I admit I am a handful, bit lunatic (and impulsive) at times, but if I am not this persona, I would not learn at all. I’ve grown a lot for the past 12 months especially when it comes to knowing what I deserve or not. I know how to distinguish the good from the bad, the toxic from the healthy, the permanent from the temporary. I know how to say no and later, who cares and whatever. I know how to say fudge, I messed up but it's not the end of the freaking world. I learned to accept that there are people who must leave in order for you to live. I learned that no matter how broken you are, you are yourself, you made this, you chose this, and you are going to embrace it. At the end of the day, you are the one to decide who you're gonna be. 

2019 was tangled, all right. However, these tangles will only be tangles if you let them trap you forever. I understand, it's a pressure to see others getting engaged, married, giving birth, traveling,  --- these are what we see all over social media, anyways -- but I believe, we all have our unique timelines. Yours is still brewing. And my dear, I can't wait for your turn! I am confident that tomorrow, we will smell the sweet aroma of your success. 

Yin and Yang at 28

Yin and Yang at 28

My 28^th year is basically divided into two chapters.

Chapter I: Insanity

If you have read my previous blogs, you have an idea what I have been through just after my 27^th birthday. Until now, I can still remember every single detail of those experiences. Saying that I was lost and wrecked is an understatement. 

Within those six months, I neglected my professional growth and departed from my values. I got into something that was so hard for me to recover from, I entered something which made me hate myself even more. Sleepless nights, constant panic attacks, self-pity, depression, irrational thoughts and  low self-confidence, craziness, wildness and worst of all, emptiness were the by-products of my unwise decisions. My body started to disintegrate, and maybe, at that time, I was standing on a thin thread between sanity and insanity. 

Chapter II: Sanity

I started to accept that I cannot force something to happen. We often hear the inspirational quote, ”Make it Happen!” but at some point, we have to know when to stop. You tried everything but some things won’t just work.

On my 7^th month, I ended things and pulled myself up from the dark winding tunnel. I improved my habits and lifestyle by working out and eating more fruits and vegetables. Gradually, I was able to control my thoughts.  I acknowledged God once again and learned to pray the rosary especially in the wee hours of the morning that I was still awake. I finished writing my book, continued blogging book reviews, and started vlogging. 

But of course, the journey was not that easy – there were some unexpected comebacks of some persons, and the pain they brought along with them. It was overwhelming to have history repeat itself right in front of my eyes, but it has also given me more perspective – that I was not yet okay and I don’t need someone who cannot guarantee our future. 

Yes, I am hopeful and forgiving. No matter what someone does to me, I still choose to forgive. I failed others and others have failed me, but that does not mean that I should also fail myself over and over again. I have learned my lessons the hard way. The most beautiful gift that I can give to myself is mental health, peace of mind and innate happiness. Despite all of the anxiety and conflicts, I still believe that the world is full of nice people – my family, friends and blessings are just some of the manifestations. 

When I was a youngster, I made a mental timeline that at the age of 28 , I should be engaged. This morning, many asked about my age and when I am getting married but I just laughed at them because I realized  that I have other priorities now and more pressing issues to do like advancing my studies, changing work and visiting home.  

I don’t know what will happen next especially after my contract expires. Will I stay here in UAE? Will I still be living with my sister? Will I still be an educator?

I am worried and excited for my future. At 28, I can do more and be more than what I am capable of. I just have to work smarter and align my actions to my goals.

 Fear sometimes stops me from doing things that I want but if I let these fears drive me again, I can never achieve my full potential. I must not be afraid of confronting someone, I must communicate what I feel so that he/she knows that I am hurt, disappointed or anything. This was my weakness before, I tolerated their bad behavior and this should never happen again for without a doubt, it is better to lose them than to lose my sanity.

Furthermore,  I must not be fearful of others’ opinions and just be, me. I should not be afraid to be criticized and mentored, and to try and try again. Just like my favorite poem of Emily Dickinson, Success is counted sweetest by those who ne’er succeed, I will taste the sweetest victory after a series of downfalls.   

I must be bold enough to open my eyes when I run down the steep rocky hill. When someone knocks, I must be ready to say goodbye even when it is just blossoming. 

Two chapters of my life — each chapter ran for six months. It was like yin and yang.  It describes  how seemingly opposite forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they gave rise to each other. It was a balancing act. It all happened with a purpose. It made me what I am. 

What a day to be alive! I am  yin and yang!