Yin and Yang at 28

Yin and Yang at 28

My 28^th year is basically divided into two chapters.

Chapter I: Insanity

If you have read my previous blogs, you have an idea what I have been through just after my 27^th birthday. Until now, I can still remember every single detail of those experiences. Saying that I was lost and wrecked is an understatement. 

Within those six months, I neglected my professional growth and departed from my values. I got into something that was so hard for me to recover from, I entered something which made me hate myself even more. Sleepless nights, constant panic attacks, self-pity, depression, irrational thoughts and  low self-confidence, craziness, wildness and worst of all, emptiness were the by-products of my unwise decisions. My body started to disintegrate, and maybe, at that time, I was standing on a thin thread between sanity and insanity. 

Chapter II: Sanity

I started to accept that I cannot force something to happen. We often hear the inspirational quote, ”Make it Happen!” but at some point, we have to know when to stop. You tried everything but some things won’t just work.

On my 7^th month, I ended things and pulled myself up from the dark winding tunnel. I improved my habits and lifestyle by working out and eating more fruits and vegetables. Gradually, I was able to control my thoughts.  I acknowledged God once again and learned to pray the rosary especially in the wee hours of the morning that I was still awake. I finished writing my book, continued blogging book reviews, and started vlogging. 

But of course, the journey was not that easy – there were some unexpected comebacks of some persons, and the pain they brought along with them. It was overwhelming to have history repeat itself right in front of my eyes, but it has also given me more perspective – that I was not yet okay and I don’t need someone who cannot guarantee our future. 

Yes, I am hopeful and forgiving. No matter what someone does to me, I still choose to forgive. I failed others and others have failed me, but that does not mean that I should also fail myself over and over again. I have learned my lessons the hard way. The most beautiful gift that I can give to myself is mental health, peace of mind and innate happiness. Despite all of the anxiety and conflicts, I still believe that the world is full of nice people – my family, friends and blessings are just some of the manifestations. 

When I was a youngster, I made a mental timeline that at the age of 28 , I should be engaged. This morning, many asked about my age and when I am getting married but I just laughed at them because I realized  that I have other priorities now and more pressing issues to do like advancing my studies, changing work and visiting home.  

I don’t know what will happen next especially after my contract expires. Will I stay here in UAE? Will I still be living with my sister? Will I still be an educator?

I am worried and excited for my future. At 28, I can do more and be more than what I am capable of. I just have to work smarter and align my actions to my goals.

 Fear sometimes stops me from doing things that I want but if I let these fears drive me again, I can never achieve my full potential. I must not be afraid of confronting someone, I must communicate what I feel so that he/she knows that I am hurt, disappointed or anything. This was my weakness before, I tolerated their bad behavior and this should never happen again for without a doubt, it is better to lose them than to lose my sanity.

Furthermore,  I must not be fearful of others’ opinions and just be, me. I should not be afraid to be criticized and mentored, and to try and try again. Just like my favorite poem of Emily Dickinson, Success is counted sweetest by those who ne’er succeed, I will taste the sweetest victory after a series of downfalls.   

I must be bold enough to open my eyes when I run down the steep rocky hill. When someone knocks, I must be ready to say goodbye even when it is just blossoming. 

Two chapters of my life — each chapter ran for six months. It was like yin and yang.  It describes  how seemingly opposite forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they gave rise to each other. It was a balancing act. It all happened with a purpose. It made me what I am. 

What a day to be alive! I am  yin and yang!

Blog Entry No. 96

Blog Entry No. 96

June 23, 2018

Dear Diary,

                For the past week, I deactivated my facebook and instagram. It was dreadful to sleep and wake up clueless of what was happening in my social circle. I was used to browsing and reading what was happening to the lives of people I know and people I barely know. But one day, I just realized that I was too attached and too obsessed of how their lives were turning out that I left myself directionless and insecured.

My friends were all graduating from their master’s, getting married and engaged, changing careers, getting promotions, traveling, attending parties, drinking beer, sunbathing, beach frolicking and other fun activities I used to do .I compared myself to them , how I am becoming boring and lifeless, like  a rag doll. I am just starting in a new teaching environment and so far, I am not having the best time of my life. I travel rarely and these travels were costly. I do not attend loud parties nor formal ones. I only drink beer if my friend invites me to. The only things I have are going to a beach that’s more like of a hot tub and sunbathing with my clothes on.

Also, I don’t have many friends here. I have acquaintances in the church and school. My life seems to revolve around those two places only. But going back,  they are just acquaintances. I listen to them but when I try to open myself to them, they only hear. There are just a few who listen but after that, they changed how they treat me. I cannot find my place here. I can’t fit in. Even in school, I am inexistent. They have their own inner circles. Surely, they invite me and everything but when I’m there, I don’t wanna be there at all. I was there but I was not. Maybe, it is me or maybe it is them. I am confused. Did I change or I just have a trouble interacting? Did I become an introvert?

I was really an introvert but that changed when I became a teacher. But when I came here, I’m turning back to my old self. Last night I was researching about it and I learned that there are four types of introvert: social, thinking, anxious and reserved. I’m the latter. It says that I only choose to be with my closest friends. That’s true.

Why the sudden shift of personality? I guess I was , I mean, I am intimidated by all the people I met especially when I didn’t have a job before. They are working in international companies while I was just lying flat on my bed. But even now that I have work, I still feel the same. I tried to fit in SCF. I really did. I went to prayer meetings, fellowships, practices and others but I did not find anyone or anything to make me stay. You might say that God is enough and I need no company to worship. But I really feel alone when I am there. They were all talking to one another and I was there, observing. They don’t like me. They don’t understand me. That’s why I stopped for 2 weeks in a row and ignored all communications coming from them. I know that God is disappointed in me for doing this but it is more  futile to go there with all doubts and fears. I want to go there full. I want to go there when I am ready to face them, to conquer my intimidation. I am so sorry but for now, I want to worship God alone.

So, what is my plan now?

In exchange of my facebook and instagram, I read books. I devour on books and watch videos. Topics are mostly on self-help like how to change habits, how to improve personality, and even sexuality. I finished fiction novel in one day and I’m half-way the second one. I’ve done photography. I ate a lot, went to the beach, and breathed. Now that I think about it, I haven’t done much. Hayst. Crap.

What I plan to do for this week:

1. Try the 30-day habit builder. What habit am I going to build, tho? (physical)

                I have the exercise chart but I stopped working out because we had too many paperworks. I think I have to do it all over again eventhough I have red alert. If I could do it in a week in a consistent manner, that is really something.

2. Talk to 3 strangers.

                This is based on the book of 30 challenges. Might as well try. (social)

3. Go to church. (spiritual)

4. Start reviewing IELTS. (mental)

5. Make a blessing organizer. (emotional)

6. Find summer job. (financial)

7. Read 3 books. (language)

                I’ve read one already this morning on my way to school . How to change a Habit by Scott Young (2007).

Take away: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit.- Aristotle

8. Finish your requirements in school. (professional)

9. Master Fur Elise and take a video to be uploaded on youtube. (personal)

10. Write a song (moving on)

That’s all for today.

Selfish or Selfless or neither

Love is not love

If not shared,

But to love

Means

to Love yourself first

Or is it?

Or neither?

When you set aside

everything

and fight for your

great love

though you don't matter

Is it being selfless

or selfish?

When you choose to

leave him 

for his own good

though he doesn't

want you to

Is that selfless 

or selfish?

When you prioritize

your work so you

can have better future

together

Is that selfless 

or selfish?

When you're dying

But you can't tell

When you're hurting

but can't show 

IS that selfless

or selfish?

Can you be both or neither?

Can you be selfless then selfish?

Can you be selfish then selfless?

How can one be selfish if the reason behind is selfless?

How can one be selfless if you're losing yourself?

Love is confusing

Why do we even love?

Blog Entry No. 13

Blog Entry No. 13

Date: June 13, 2018

Dear Diary,

                It’s been a year. To sum up my first year as an expat is nothing but a colorful swirl of ampalaya-flavored cotton candy. I’ve cried a river because of being jobless for over seven months and for growing frustrations over lost opportunities, friendship and health issues. I wanted to give up and go back home but the idea of not trying hard enough and being mocked if I return were more pressing issues than all my hardships. I sacrificed my master’s and all others to live and work abroad? Were they worth it? What if I stayed?

                If I  stayed in my comfort zone, then I wouldn’t have experienced going through countless job interviews. Each experience was unique and instructive. It is a bit ironic because the school which I really wanted did not hire me. The others were pretty easy but I did not envision myself working for those companies.  One of my wishes in the simbang gabi was to find a purposeful job – one which I can exercise my skills while helping others. It was offered to me , alright (writer of a non-government organization) and I tried to work it out. But at the end of the day, no matter how much you asked for it, if it you cannot find fulfillment , you won’t grow up and be happy. 

                If I stayed then I wouldn’t have experienced having nothing at all. Literally, I was penniless. I couldn’t buy stuff and I couldn’t go anywhere I like. It was so difficult and everyday, I pity myself for I could not provide anything to my family and worse, my sister was barely making ends meet. I also got sick all the time. And no matter how hard it was for me, I could not share my sentiments  with anyone in our family. I was so strong and independent. I’m glad I had my friends in my hometown; if not for them, I might have gone crazy by now. I realized that I was weak and I need others to move on. We are not islands , after all.

                If I stayed then I wouldn’t have experienced going to Oman three times. If I stayed then I would not have met the people in the airport, in the bus or even in the food court. One way or another , they have made a difference in my life.

                If I  stayed then I would not have been part of SFC. I would not have gotten to know all the amazing worship leaders and all service team and my batchmates in the Christian Life Program. Through my ups and downs, they have been my constant prayer partners.

                If I stayed then I would not have realized that living abroad is not the greener pasture. I have a full time job now as a teacher and I still have part-time jobs.  I wake up at 5:30 am and I go home at 4. After 30 minutes of rest at home, I get up and walk for another 30 minutes to reach my tutees’ abode.  I usually get home around 8:30 pm and after that, I still have to do laundry, clean and cook dinner and breakfast. At 10 pm, I face my laptop and do lessons or record grades; you know, the typical teacher night life. I sleep around midnight or until 2 am. And do the same thing again the next day. On Fridays, I go to SFC and on Saturday, household chores and lesson planning. I was always complaining about how routinary my old life was but  look at me now?  It is double the working hours and the square root of sleeping hours ; nevertheless, I ain’t complaining at all. Draining is an understatement.  But I chose this path. And like what they say, if it does not tire you, it won’t improve you.

                     If I stayed then I would not have known what flirting is. Somehow, I became more mature and understood that men can be with you without any romantic feelings. They just want you to be there to cook for them, watch movies with them and eat together. And no matter how much you try to let go, you just can’t. A person will come to break your walls in an instant but that person will not put you back together. But that does not mean that you keep on breaking apart. You need to find the reason why he came into your life.  I did that. And from that moment, I let go of all the hurts and now, he is happy with someone else. Heartbreaking, right? But trust me, it didn’t destroy my soul.

But above all these, I am still lucky because what I am doing makes a direct impact to the youth. I am still lucky because I have opportunities to better myself and have funds to finance my personal cravings and more importantly, to help my family. I am still lucky because I have work and I have found new friends here.   I am lucky because I get to explore places and go to the beach by myself anytime. I have finally accepted that teaching is a profession that you must love. I learned to love this profession I’ve been escaping for the longest time.

Bottomline: Appreciate all your pains and struggles. These will make you appreciate more your life and later on, happiness.