Blog Entry No. 13

Blog Entry No. 13

Date: June 13, 2018

Dear Diary,

                It’s been a year. To sum up my first year as an expat is nothing but a colorful swirl of ampalaya-flavored cotton candy. I’ve cried a river because of being jobless for over seven months and for growing frustrations over lost opportunities, friendship and health issues. I wanted to give up and go back home but the idea of not trying hard enough and being mocked if I return were more pressing issues than all my hardships. I sacrificed my master’s and all others to live and work abroad? Were they worth it? What if I stayed?

                If I  stayed in my comfort zone, then I wouldn’t have experienced going through countless job interviews. Each experience was unique and instructive. It is a bit ironic because the school which I really wanted did not hire me. The others were pretty easy but I did not envision myself working for those companies.  One of my wishes in the simbang gabi was to find a purposeful job – one which I can exercise my skills while helping others. It was offered to me , alright (writer of a non-government organization) and I tried to work it out. But at the end of the day, no matter how much you asked for it, if it you cannot find fulfillment , you won’t grow up and be happy. 

                If I stayed then I wouldn’t have experienced having nothing at all. Literally, I was penniless. I couldn’t buy stuff and I couldn’t go anywhere I like. It was so difficult and everyday, I pity myself for I could not provide anything to my family and worse, my sister was barely making ends meet. I also got sick all the time. And no matter how hard it was for me, I could not share my sentiments  with anyone in our family. I was so strong and independent. I’m glad I had my friends in my hometown; if not for them, I might have gone crazy by now. I realized that I was weak and I need others to move on. We are not islands , after all.

                If I stayed then I wouldn’t have experienced going to Oman three times. If I stayed then I would not have met the people in the airport, in the bus or even in the food court. One way or another , they have made a difference in my life.

                If I  stayed then I would not have been part of SFC. I would not have gotten to know all the amazing worship leaders and all service team and my batchmates in the Christian Life Program. Through my ups and downs, they have been my constant prayer partners.

                If I stayed then I would not have realized that living abroad is not the greener pasture. I have a full time job now as a teacher and I still have part-time jobs.  I wake up at 5:30 am and I go home at 4. After 30 minutes of rest at home, I get up and walk for another 30 minutes to reach my tutees’ abode.  I usually get home around 8:30 pm and after that, I still have to do laundry, clean and cook dinner and breakfast. At 10 pm, I face my laptop and do lessons or record grades; you know, the typical teacher night life. I sleep around midnight or until 2 am. And do the same thing again the next day. On Fridays, I go to SFC and on Saturday, household chores and lesson planning. I was always complaining about how routinary my old life was but  look at me now?  It is double the working hours and the square root of sleeping hours ; nevertheless, I ain’t complaining at all. Draining is an understatement.  But I chose this path. And like what they say, if it does not tire you, it won’t improve you.

                     If I stayed then I would not have known what flirting is. Somehow, I became more mature and understood that men can be with you without any romantic feelings. They just want you to be there to cook for them, watch movies with them and eat together. And no matter how much you try to let go, you just can’t. A person will come to break your walls in an instant but that person will not put you back together. But that does not mean that you keep on breaking apart. You need to find the reason why he came into your life.  I did that. And from that moment, I let go of all the hurts and now, he is happy with someone else. Heartbreaking, right? But trust me, it didn’t destroy my soul.

But above all these, I am still lucky because what I am doing makes a direct impact to the youth. I am still lucky because I have opportunities to better myself and have funds to finance my personal cravings and more importantly, to help my family. I am still lucky because I have work and I have found new friends here.   I am lucky because I get to explore places and go to the beach by myself anytime. I have finally accepted that teaching is a profession that you must love. I learned to love this profession I’ve been escaping for the longest time.

Bottomline: Appreciate all your pains and struggles. These will make you appreciate more your life and later on, happiness.