Turtles all the way down by John Green: A Book Review

Turtles all the way down by John Green: A Book Review

Genre: Young Adult, psychological

Publication Date: 2017

Setting: Indianapolis

Characters: Aza Holmes, Daisy, Davis, Mychal, Aza’s Mom, Dr. Singh (psychiatrist)

Summary:

This is  a story about Aza and her spiraling thoughts coupled with her OCD. She has high anxiety especially with germs to the point that kissing made her swallow sanitizer. She always thinks that she’ll be infected with the bacteria Clostridium difficile. She has the habit of pressing her right thumbnail into the finger pad of her middle finger. She covers it up with band-aid but when she is worried, she drains it by reopening the wound and pressing out any blood that will come. 

Her best friend’s name is Daisy, a star wars fanatic and a fan fiction author. She is a working student, her family is not well-off, and later on, convinced Aza to find David Pickett, Sr. the billionaire fugitive for there’s a reward of 100,000 dollars waiting. 

Aza and Davis Jr had a past; they joined the Sad Camp together when they lost one of their parents. Aza knew about the night vision camera since she used to play in Davis’ house when they were young. Aza and Daisy had one information to tell the police but Davis gave them 100,000 dollars in exchange of their silence. 

Aza and Davis fell for one another, Mychal and Daisy , too. Aza and Daisy got into an accident because of an argument about Daisy referencing Aza in her fictional stories, that Aza was  a useless and pessimistic friend. Aza recovered, their friendship became stronger but their romantic relationships had a different ending.

Themes

Anxiety

Aza’s thoughts cannot be shut down. Through her character, we come to know how the mind of anxious people operates. It is something that cannot be controlled by themselves; it just spirals and spirals until it tightens and suffocates them. They think a lot, worry a lot and not care too much of their environment. It is like they are physically present but their mind is projected onto something else like in Aza’s case, the microbes swarming inside her. She doesn’t know where Daisy’s parents work in spite of their longtime friendship. This also means that anxiety makes a person be socially unaware because ot the pressure of their thoughts. Aza also relies on her late Dad’s old phone for emotional support. Aza has a psychiatrist named Dr. Singh but she does not take her medications . She feels like the medicine is making her worse.

Like all the characters of John Green, Aza exemplifies a young and smart woman. It’s just that she has a mental problem. However, this issue has made her more analytic and unique, in my own opinion.  The introspection and conversations between Aza and the other characters proved how intelligent and reflective she is.

Parent-child

Davis’ father ran away. Davis and his younger brother, Noah had always sought for a responsible father which they could never find from their own. Their riches were infinite but when it comes to the love and affection from their dad, it is nonexistent.

Their father neglected them and left all his riches to a tuatara, a reptile. Also, he never contacted his sons when he eloped.

Aza and her mom had a great relationship. Daisy and her parents, too. It only means that the treasure lies not on the wealth but the bond in a family.

Reflection

John Green’s most famous novel The Fault in Our Stars for me is overrated.  Both the book and movie did not distress or please me. I really think it was too soapy and mainstream. Secondly, I watched and read Paper Towns and I found it so much better. Turtles all the way down is not that I-will-not-sleep-until –I-finished-this book. That is both a compliment and a slur. 

Compliment. First, some of the conversations need to be digested; hence, the need to stop and rest. In order to fully immerse yourself into the story, you must not finish this book in one seating. You have to take your time because of its psychological essence. Reading the thoughts of Aza also makes you feel trapped in your own thoughts and may question your own mental health. For example, the characterization of Aza could make you feel like you are also suffering from anxiety disorder. Overthinking, high heart rate, feeling nervous or powerless, having sense of impending danger, panic attacks, feeling stuck and empty, and sleeplessness are some of the signs of anxiety. 

You can also associate yourself because of her line of thinking. Example, in the first chapter of the book. She said, Life is a story told about you, not one that you tell. You pretend to be the author but in reality, you are the canvas, not the painter. She felt that herself was not hers. IF you think about this, it is very debatable, philosophically speaking. The ‘free will’ is questionable.  Are we really creating our destiny or has it been planned by God or the cosmos? 

There are many thoughts of Aza that could be analyzed in detail. The short poems of Davis are also worthy of studying. He introduced his writing through a quote or a poem by a famous writer and then he associates it with his personal experience. All of these are profound and  deep. 

Slur. There was lack of suspense. Yes, the major conflict is internal but I just didn’t find any vibe with its turn of events. IF not for Aza and Davis, the whole story would have been plain and boring.

This is the last time I am going to write about love.

This is the last time I am going to write about love.

Love always fascinated me at a young age. I would always visualize myself meeting love under the pouring rain or in a bookstore, his head buried in a Harry Potter series. I wanted love to dress in his unbuttoned white long sleeves, wearing that playful smile with perfectly-aligned, pearly teeth. His eyes - blue and sparkling, his lips – pink and soft, his fragrance, new and fresh like spring. He ought to be good- looking, tall, smart, conversationalist, adventurous, financially stable, and family-oriented.

With all these self-constructed standards, I remained single for 27 years. I was happy, though. Then, I dated enough to realize that the thrill wears off when a man does not challenge me.

Romantic movies with complicated plot and tragic endings arouse my interest; star-crossed lovers, characters dying at the end, that’s my thing. And maybe, that 'challenging' mindset and this 'complicated' interest brought me to where I was months ago. Love ticked off most of the standards I’ve set and I thought , he was the one.

I learned that love is blissfully painful. There is pain in being happy and happiness in being hurt.

Love is a verb - it kisses, hugs, dances and inspires. Love does not focus on his past. It accepts and sacrifices.  Love exposes you to an unraveled dimension. Love reinforces you to do it for the sake of love.  But love also lies, accuses, denies, leaves, returns, ghosts, stops, and shatters. Love overlooks the red flags that are right there waving and begging for your attention. Love doubts, disappoints, abandons, manipulates, neglect, scars and empties you.

Love holds on, forgives, accepts again, and tries again. Love tries again but fails. It can fail because of cultural differences, personality combats, family disapproval, religious beliefs, values, and upbringing. No matter how great your love is for one another, it will never be enough to keep the flames alive.

But it does not mean that when love fails, you have failed to love. Love might be the verb but you are still your own subject. You are the DOER.

DO grieve. Do cry. Do self-pity. Do ask what went wrong this time. Do self-blame. You have to admit that you had your share of the plate because the signs had been there all along but your head was full of these rainbow illusions that he would change for you. Burst these fantasy balloons and witness the story from the outside. 

Now you ask yourself, why do you attract people who are toxic and/or emotionally unavailable? Why does this pattern keep on repeating? Simple, we attract who and what we are. The level of value we see in ourselves is the same level that the people we attract tend to have. 

YES, just do and go through the stages of breaking up. But after that, DO help yourself to heal and stand again.  It is not easy to do but it can be done. Let go of things that are not serving you. Breaking up does not mean that you force yourself to forget and unlove him. Moving on is a slow process but when you really do it and accept that you can never be together again, that's beautiful. This is for the both of you. Sanity and health are at stake.

Be happy for him. Be happy for them. Be happy for yourself and for the happier things coming your way. Have the drive to understand yourself more and reach your goals. Use logic that someone worthy exists. And if there are times that you cannot comprehend what is unfolding right now, trust the process. Circumstances are realigning for the higher good. Be happy that you have embraced love. You may look back but do not regret. You have loved and you were loved. You will love and be loved again. And that's all that matters.  

#microblogs#movingonquotes
#happiness #blogs #love
#quotes#notes#writings
#relationships

The Kite Runner by Khaleid Hosseini: A Book Review

The Kite Runner by Khaleid Hosseini: A Book Review

Setting: Afghanistan, America, Pakistan

Characters: Amir, Baba , Hassan, Ali, Rahim Khan

Setting:  - 1980’s –

Genre: Family, Historical

Publication date: 2003

Summary:

It tells the story of Amir, a young boy from the Wazir Akbar Khan district of Kabul, whose closest friend is Hassan. The story is set against a backdrop of tumultuous events, from the fall of Afghanistan's monarchy through the Soviet military intervention, the exodus of refugees to Pakistan and the United States, and the rise of the Taliban regime.

Hosseini has commented that he considers The Kite Runner to be a father–son story, emphasizing the familial aspects of the narrative, an element that he continued to use in his later works.^[2] Themes of guilt and redemption feature prominently in the novel,^[3] with a pivotal scene depicting an act of sexual assault that happens against Hassan that Amir fails to prevent. The latter half of the book centers on Amir's attempts to atone for this transgression by rescuing Hassan's son two decades later. (Wikipedia)

Themes:

Father-son

Amir and his Baba

Amir had always craved for his Baba’s( father) attention and love.  He felt like his Baba was not proud of him because he was not good in soccer nor he could not stand up for himself. Amir was also jealous of Hassan ( his friend) because whatever toy his father gives him, he would also give one to him and his father would always invite Hassan when they wanted to go out. Amir wanted his father for himself.

In the long run, during their travel to Pakistan and life in America, Amir and his father became closer.  His father worked hard to provide him food and education. Note that Baba was popular, influential and well-off in Afghanistan but all these, they left so they can start anew in America , away from the war.

Baba’s last fatherly duty before he died of cancer was asking permission from the General to let Amir marry his daughter. People spoke of his greatness when he died especially how he helped those in need.

Baba and Hassan

Hassan and Ali are Hazaras. They belong to the lower class and considered as servants. 

Hassan never knew that his master was his real father. All he thought was that his father was Ali, another Hazara and that his mother left when she saw that he had cleft pallet, Hassan was the good child.  Ali was the good father.

Baba’s sin was Hassan.  

Brotherhood  and Friendship

Amir and Hassan were childhood friends; however, Amir never admitted that Hassan was his friend. They nursed from the same woman , they climbed trees together and flew kites. Because of jealousy and guilt, Amir hid his watch and some cash under Hassan’s bed. Hassan and Ali decided to move out despite Baba’s pleading for them to stay.

It is important to note that Amir did not save nor defend Hassan when he was being raped by Assef. He saw this but turned a blind eye and he carried this for a long time until Rahim Khan called him and said that it is not too late to be good again.

Amir wept and was devastated when Rahim Khan confessed that Hassan was his brother. It was too late since Hassan was shot by the Talibans. His wife was shot as  well leaving their only child, Sohrab in an orphanage.

Amir’s redemption was getting Sohrab out of Assef’ claws (he became a Taliban and kept Sohrab to satisfy his demonic urges). He was almost killed in the process but at the end, he was able to get him out of Afghanistan and adopted him.  The story ended with Amir flying kites with Sohrab in America.

Overall impression of the book

Khaleid is very skilled in describing scenes. HE speaks vividly as if you are being transported to Kabul, Pakistan and America. The way he characterizes are also haunting. 

The themes of his first book may not be as heavy as the second novel but it gives light to how our past affects our present. It lets us reflect that when you live carrying secrets and guilt,  these would haunt you for the rest of your life. 

Amir did not have the chance to ask forgiveness from Hassan but with his struggle to save Sohrab, he knew that he had somehow made peace with him , most especially his ownself. 

Favorite quotes:

11.       “When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.” -  Baba

22.    “She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'why?,' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.” – Amir’s mother

33.    “It's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out.”

44.    “That same night, I wrote my first short story. It took me thirty minutes. It was a dark little tale about a man who found a magic cup and learned that if he wept into the cup, his tears turned into pearls. But even though he had always been poor, he was a happy man and rarely shed a tear. So he found ways to make himself sad so that his tears could make him rich. As the pearls piled up, so did his greed grow. The story ended with the man sitting on a mountain of pearls, knife in hand, weeping helplessly into the cup with his beloved wife's slain body in his arms.” – Amir

5. “Better to get hurt by the truth than

6. “One time, when I was very little, I climbed a tree and ate these green, sour apples. My stomach swelled and became hard like a drum, it hurt a lot. Mother said that if I'd just waited for the apples to ripen, I wouldn't have become sick. So now, whenever I really want something, I try to remember what she said about the apples.”  -Sohrab

77.  “The problem, of course, was that [he] saw the world in black and white. And he got to decide what was black and what was white. You can't love a person who lives that way without fearing him too. Maybe even hating him a little.”

A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS by Khaled Hosseini: A Book Review

A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS by Khaled Hosseini: A Book Review

Genre: war narrative, historical fiction, love story

Setting: Afghanistan, last 33 years of its history of war and oppression

Main Characters: Mariam , Laila, Rasheed, Tariq, Jalil

Release Date: November 25, 2008

Summary:

The novel is has three parts.  It tells the story of two women: Mariam  and Laila who later became the two abused wives of Rasheed, a rich shoemaker.

Part 1

The novel kicks off with Mariam’s story wherein she introduces the word harami . Harami became a part of her persona until the end. She is the 11^th child of Jalil, a businessman and a cinema owner to a house servant. In short, she is an illegitimate child. Jalil has three more wives who lives with him in his mansion whereas Mariam and her mom lives in the hills. Every week, Jalil visits Mariam to teach her and tell her stories about Herat. Mariam worships her father despite her mom’s contempt.

On Mariam’s birthday, she wanted to visit her dad’s place; however, this was not approved by her mother and said that if she goes away, it means that she is abandoning her. Mariam picked up her courage to go to the city alone and was awe stricken by the new environment but then when she arrived in her father’s house, her father did not let her in. She even slept outside and was awakened by the  guard’s prodding that she needs to go back home.

When she returned home, her mother’s body was hanging on a rope from the willow tree. Mariam felt guilty, blamed herself and concluded that her mom is right, that the good things she conjured about Jalil is nothing but lies. Later on, she lived with her father who together with his wives, decided to fix her marriage with Rasheed, a shoemaker.

She got married at 15. Rasheed was nice to her at first but when she had several miscarriages, Rasheed abused her for years.

Part 2

Laila’s story starts when she was 9 years old. She is a consistent top student of her school and has two close female friends and one male friend named Tariq. She lives with her father, a former teacher and her mom in Kabul, Afghanistan. Her mom was once a cheerful being but when her sons joined the war, she lost the will to live.

In this part, it revealed the war in their country. Children killed. Houses and buildings pulverized. Laila stopped schooling because of the war and when her parents finally decided to move out so as to start a new life, they were bombed. She got lucky but her parents did not survive. Rasheed took her to his house and proposed for marriage. At that point, Laila knew that she was pregnant with Tariq’s child and she didn’t have any choice but to marry Rasheed before it gets too late. Tariq was assumed to be dead.

Rasheed, Mariam and Laila lived together in the same house. When Laila delivered a girl, Rasheed was disappointed. He has always wanted a boy because he once lost his son in his first marriage. The beatings started again. Rasheed made it a point to punch, slap and whip both of his wives.

Eventually, Laila got pregnant again. Rasheed was happy because it was a boy.

Part 3

Laila and Mariam eloped but they were caught by police officers. They were handed to Rasheed again and the abuse became worse. Even Aziza, Laila’s first child almost died because of his cruelty. Aziza was also put in orphanage because Rasheed could no longer sustain their needs. His shop was burned down and he couldn’t find any decent job.

Then one day, Tariq came back. Laila and Tariq talked about everything that has happened. Rasheed learned about this and he was ready to kill Laila. But before that happened, MAriam got the shovel and killed him first. Mariam convinced Laila to go away and start a new life with Tariq while she stays to receive her punishment.  Death penalty ended her life.

Laila and Tariq reunited with the two children in Pakistan. They got married and were happy but later, Laila told Tariq that she wants to go back to Afghanistan. They went back. Laila visited Herat, Mariam’s hometown and traveled back to Kabul where she helped rebuild the orphanage. She became a schoolteacher there.

Theme and Highlights

Domestic Violence

This book gave me so much emotions. This Rasheed is a  sadist. How can a human being torture his wives and children? How can he not have shame, guilt and conscience? He deserved to die earlier. All the bombs should have gone to his direction and not to the helpless, innocent children.

But the question is, why do people stay in a very abusive relationship? A study says that being abused gives a certain addiction to the victim and provides her a piece of familiarity and safe zone. She cannot get out psychologically and the trauma it brings when she finally walks out will still be there. And maybe, at some point, she still has the urge to go back to him because that’s what she was used to.

Women, and men, who are abused, must be awakened from the reality that that person will not change in an instant. Staying there will only tolerate that behavior. We need to have that power to stay out from the people we cannot fix. Whether that person was abused and neglected in the past, that is not an excuse to displace it to the people around him. If you want to be broken and damaged further, go on and turn a blind eye. It is your life anyway. But is the life you really want?

Fixed Marriage

Nowadays, children are still being married off to older men. Imagine being forced to grow up and living together (having sex) with someone you barely know and you don’t love. It’s almost the same as being raped and the childhood you ought to experience just smoked out.  Fact: The parents are likely to be less burdened when there’s less mouth to feed.. but what about the child’s future? Do you think that her future will be better if she will be taken away from a man who you only approved because of his riches? If there’s one thing that I learned, riches should not be the basis of marriage or any relationship. Love should always come first.

Suicide and Depression

Mariam’s mother hanged herself. Suicide had never become an option for me even when I was in my most depressed state. Suicide is a sin. They said that suicide has no face. Your friend might be smiling at you but deep inside, he is formulating ways to end his life. You can never tell.

As time passes by, more and more people commit suicide and the number one cause is depression. They either shoot, poison, cut themselves or jump off a building. I cannot visualize the horror of seeing someone terminating this gift of life. Life is the most precious gift that God has bestowed and only Him can decide when to take it back.

We need more counselors. Mental Health should be part of the curriculum now.

War

The Afghanistan war is still going for 18 years now. The Taliban is still managing most of its areas and during the 9/11 attack, Bush declared war because they did not want to hand Osama Bin Laden, the leader of AL Qaeda.

Reflection

This book is an eye-opener for me who is over engrossed to social media. I am constantly browsing the digital world without any knowledge about all these wars happening around the world. It is devastating to see those photos of homeless families, the silent cries on their sulken bony faces, the fresh scars on their skinny dirty bodies. It is more heartbreaking to read the news that until now, Afghanistan is still war-stricken and food-deprived. Many more countries are out there, wallowing in the mud of bombs and cannons, of guns and blood. And where are we?

We are very fortunate that we are here living a peaceful life. We are very lucky that we still have the chance to be with our loved ones. We are lucky that we don’t have to send our brothers and father to war. We are lucky that we have our necessities. Who are we to complain when we have a roof on top of our head? 

I am recommending this book to everyone. It will hurt you to read this but I am sure that it entails you to be more sensitive to world issues.

Favorite Quotes

“Like a compass needle that always points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always. You remember that, Mariam.”

“God’s words will never betray you, my girl.”

“I know you’re still young, but I want you to understand and learn this now…. Marriage can wait, education cannot. You’re a very, very bright girl. Truly, you are. You can be anything you want, Laila…. I know that when this war is over, Afghanistan is going to need you as much as its men, maybe even more. Because a society has no chance of success if its women are uneducated, Laila. No chance.”

“Laila, my love, the only enemy an Afghan cannot defeat is himself.”

“[S]he was leaving the world as a woman who had loved and been loved back. She was leaving it as a friend, a companion, a guardian. A mother. A person of consequence at last.”

“God has made us differently, you women and us men. Our brains are different. You are not able to think like we can. Western doctors and their science have proven this. This is why we require only one male witness but two female ones.”

Confess by Colleen Hoover: A Book Review

Confess by Colleen Hoover: A Book Review

Main Characters: Auburn Mason Reed and Owen Mason Gentry (They are not blood related, fyi.)

Genre: Romance, Contemporary

Setting: Texas

Summary

Part One of the book introduces the tragic past of Auburn wherein she lost her first love named Adam because of a serious medical condition. The story unfolds to the present where Auburn was talking to a lawyer and it was also revealed that she has financial issues because she is considering about getting three part-time jobs to pay for the fee. She works as a hair cutter/stylist in a salon in Texas, which she recently moved in.

As fate has a great significance to the story, she came across this signage infront of a studio looking for a helper. As she was reading it, she noticed some notes written on the walls which turned out to be anonymous confessions. Owen suddenly opened the door with another “desperate” signage and that’s when he met Auburn.

Owen Mason Reed is a young painter. He knows Auburn from the past but of course, Auburn does not.

Owen did not tell Auburn about this throughout the novel. Going back, the two had felt their connections. For one night, Auburn helped Owen sell his paintings in an Art Exhibit. The inspiration of the paintings was also given light and it all ended with hanging up in a bar.

The story became more intense when Trey entered. He is the brother of Adam who works as a police officer who is in love with Auburn. Lydia, Trey’s mother also stepped in with a surprising twist – that Auburn has a child from Adam and his name is AJ. Auburn wants custody over her child.

Trey caught Owen for possession of drugs. He was imprisoned. Trey warned Auburn about him. Auburn and Trey started dating but Auburn likes Owen but still dates the former because of her son. Later on, Owen was released and the two got back together. They faced more struggles and Trey just kept on destroying their relationship even resorting to attempted rape. Eventually, Auburn had finally found the courage to defend herself and fight for what is right and she succeeded. She got her son and her second fate in love, Owen.

The ending went back five years earlier revealing how Owen met Adam in the hospital. It was another confession that you have to find out for yourself.

Highlight

1.       The idea of paintings inspired by a confession is new. I like that it is more realistic but it also adds suspense and mystery. Imagine if you wrote a confession then you saw the painting based on that, would you buy it? I am following Colleen Hoover on instagram and in her stories, she asked her readers about their confession and all just poured in. 

2.       There were photos of paintings on the book. All were sentimental and deep.

Favorite quotes

1.        “I’m afraid if I listen to my heart once, I’ll never figure out how to ignore it again.” – Owen

2.       “Selflessness. It should be the basis of every relationship. If a person truly cares about you, they’ll get more pleasure from the way they make you feel, rather than the way you make them feel.” – Auburn

3.       “I think love is a hard word to define. You can love a lot of things about a person but still not love the whole person.” – Owen

4.       “Sometimes we don’t get second chances, Owen. Sometimes things just end.” – Auburn

Reflection

        The story is not so extraordinary. If the confessions and paintings were removed, I would not have continued reading it. It did not give me the chills or intensity that I am looking for a romance novel. I want a novel that can make me cry or laugh or not go to sleep.

        Anyways, if you’re looking for something that shows a mother’s love despite young age, read this. If you are looking for a love story that has no psychological dilemma , read this.

               

Personal Say

        Reading this book made me question all the mistakes that I did and if I am ready to confess all of them. My secrets are safe with me but with time, maybe these will be revealed. The last time I confessed was when I was in grade 6- that was 16 years ago infront of a priest.  I remembered saying sorry for being a stubborn child. Until now, I am still a stubborn child and I might add a stubborn believer.

        I’ve been thinking about confessing but I always back off everytime. I am too scared to admit my sins and I am afraid that I might do those again after saying them. It’s a vicious cycle. Mind you,  I do not regret the decisions I made in the past because those are part of me now and I embraced them.

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT

This is the last time I am going to write about you. And even if this writing ends up sour or grammatically wrong, it would still be more worthy and better than you.

It was wrong for me to dive into you. Girls, trust your intuition. Stop being stubborn and just wait for another guy if your guts says do not trust him. If you felt that there is something wrong with him, don’t meddle in his affairs and don’t invest. This kind of guy will just break you apart and no matter how much you tell yourself that at least, you have tried and given him a chance and that you only have loved, this kind of love is dysfunctional.

Back to you asshole.

All this time, I was the one adjusting and understanding you. You never tried to communicate with me because you blocked me everytime I wanted us to talk. You are full of shit and excuses. I believed all the things you told me about yourself, your past, your disability and now, all I see is how twisted you are and how insane I was to even give you a chance – no,I gave you multiple chances and you fucking fucked it.

My heart is full of hatred. It is amazing that this heart which was full of joy and love had become rock solid because of what you did. You are a one-of-a-kind emotional manipulator.

1. You are an excellent guilt monger. You have no sense of accountability. You made me feel that everything that occurred between us was my fault and mistake -that I did not understand, that I did not give us enough time, that I was very happy with myself while you are miserable and all damn reasons that you blabbered. And if that was not enough, you also blamed me for making you anxious and that it was me who made you stay away because I loved you too much. How sick is that!

Days after celebrating my 27^th birthday together, you just informed me that it is time for me to move on. I was very much confused because we were very happy and celebrating an important day of my life with someone special (for the first time) is a big deal for me. You were my second boyfriend and I am excited and ready for a serious and stable relationship after more than three years of waiting.

You promised not to hurt me and to say goodbye properly and personally if you ever choose to leave. I made that clear in our first date. So after you said that it’s time to end things, I asked you to meet me so that we could talk and settle things. It was so hard for me to accept your decision at first because we were really getting along but before we talked about it in person, I’ve thought and decided that it was time to let go. I also had to say goodbye not because I did not love you because we needed to fix ourselves. But deep inside, I did it for your own welfare – I did not want to worsen your mental situation because of me.  I said to myself that if you will be happier and healthier if I leave, then I will leave. All those times, I was thinking about your welfare. I was never selfish.

2. You made me feel sorry for you. You shared unusually personal information about your past in order to gain my sympathy.

That made me hold on to you. Your childhood and trauma made me stay throughout the toxic relationship.

We still had communication since it was a mutual decision to separate ways. You still viewed my stories and all. After three days, you were going out with a woman and you posted all of your activities in your IG stories. You never posted anything about us. So, I replied ‘That was quick’ and you just seenzoned me. It was so heartbreaking. After a few hours you just said that you’re going to explain later. I still believed you. I still hoped that you would come back to me.

Then you went to Turkey with her. You were posting lots of IG stories about your travels and it was so painful to view them everyday. You know what is more hurtful? It’s that encouragement you gave her to take away a life. I wanted to stop because it compromised my values but fuck it, after two weeks of separation, we reunited. You said you were very much devastated and you wanted to see me, and like a dog, I came running back to you.

We were very happy again and our love was as intense as before. I missed your warmth and your humor and views about life and I felt that you missed me, too. You talked about your therapy and you even asked me why I liked you. I was loss for words because there was no reason to say so. Then you said that I am very different from all the girls you’ve met. I believed you again.

I thought we were on the same page but then, after several days , I received a text of ‘Let’s talk one month from today.’ I asked why but you did not respond. You left me hanging. I was so devastated. I assessed myself what have I done to make you stay away.  I analyzed all my actions and messages.

And then one day, I received a message that your anxiety became worse. I blamed myself because you said before that I made you anxious. I even replied that I am sorry for worsening your situation and I am very selfish.

Despite that, we still did not cut our communication. We were still viewing each others’ stories and after two weeks, you messaged me an apology and promised us to meet and talk. You know during those two weeks of not chatting you, I started looking for my old self and being happy again but when you apologized, I forgot everything about my recovery and I was very much willing to give it another try.

I waited for you. But you said that you were going to Dubai and that you will try your best to make it the next day. I waited again. But, you messaged me the next day that you were going to extend your vacation. I waited and waited.

After several days, I messaged you when we would meet up to talk. You said Monday and I said okay. Then I tried calling you and somehow you picked it up. Before we ended out conversation, you said that you have a new girlfriend. Like, what the hell just happened. You came back to me and the next thing I knew, you found a new partner?

I messaged you about that and you confirmed it. It was like being stabbed multiple times. I processed all the events and I told myself that this is not working out. You hurt me a lot and I could not take it anymore. But as stupid as it was, I was still looking for answers why you decided to be with her.

Monday came and I asked if you’re going to come. You did not because of work. I waited until Wednesday but first I called you in the morning after I collapsed during a school event. While I was in the clinic, I called you and asked again if you have a new girlfriend. And you said yes. I asked why and yu said that being with her doesn’t  make you anxious and that there is connection between you two.  Every word you said pierced my heart and body.  

But then I begged you to come see me in the afternoon eventhough how much sick and exhausted I was. I was still seeking for answers and I wanted to see if you were lying or not. I remembered crying in the classroom after our call.  You agreed and you came.

But let me tell you, I have also conditioned myself to stop our affair before we met up. Reason: Your new girlfriend and it was not healthy for me because eversince I met you, my life became toxic. I was always preoccupied with your health that I forgot mine.

So when you were infront of me in this restaurant, I couldn’t help to be so helpless I mean, I could not muster the courage to be angry because logically speaking, you did not cheat on me because we broke up before you met her. So I asked why you chose her.

Your words were ‘She is as damaged as me. Being with her made me feel normal. I felt a connection between the two of us.’

It was sad that despite my effort to understand you in every aspect , you still chose someone who is damaged. You met her in a day and that’s just it. You forgot everything about us. I asked if you had se with her. You said , “You went to her place and slept together. Showered together.”  I thought maybe that was also the reason why you chose her, I could not give you what you want.

Our conversation went deeper  and I told you that it was really pointless pouring my love to a broken vessel like you that I deserve someone better and that I don’t hate you because I don’t plant hate in my heart. You just listened.

After  a while, the waitresses came and sang you a birthday song. It was my surprise to you and you were genuinely glad about it. See, at the end of the day , I still cared for you.

When we got in your car, I was out of breath. I was really sick at that time and the, you took me to our flat because I could hardly walk. I remembered you hugging me and kissing me on the forehead. I said goodbye and you said ‘Keep in touch.’ I just looked at you and turned my back. I was so exhausted.

After a few minutes, I called my bestfriend to accompany me in the hospital. All my emotional pain and stress had accumulated. I felt helpless and I was crying the whole time about our whole relationship. After that I messaged you goodbye and sent a link of my blogpost. I fucking wrote a poem about you dumbass.

My phone went dead. After 2 days of sleeping , fyi, I was even absent at work during the homeroom Christmas party,  I opened my phone and saw that you called me and asked me if I were still alive. I did not reply. At that time,  I knew that you were in RAK for your solo birthday celebration. Then, you sent me videos asking me why I was not there and all. Why were you still doing that when you had a girlfriend and I was healing? You do not have heart at all.  I never replied to your messages. You told me that you broke up with her. I told you that before.  I asked you ‘How long will it last? One month? Two”? I was a bit happy. I said to myself, “Karma is a bitch.” Still, I did not reply.  But I did not cut you off yet since I wanted you to know that I was getting back on my feet.

After 10 days, I was becoming well again. I was gaining control of my emotions and accepting the fact that we were never meant for each other. You were still so engrossed in my life since you still viewed my stories.

Then one day, you messaged me. Here are your words: YOU KNOW THAT YOU HURT ME TOO. I WAS YOUR DIRTY SECRET.  I ONLY CAME AND PICKED YOU UP WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT FOR YOU.  YOU ARE NOT DUMB SO DON’T PLAY VICTIM AND DON’T MAKE ME FEEL THAT I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. THAT SOUNDED MORE HARSH THAN WHAT I INTENDED HOPEFULLY THIS MESSAGE DID NOTREACH YOU.

That message just lingered in my mind. We were doing school stuff that time. How dare him say that I was his dirty secret? And what was that playing victim? After 12 hours, I replied.

“WHEN DID I EVER HURT YOU. WHEN YOU NEEDED TIME AND SPACE OUT OF THE BLUE, I GAVE IT. WHEN YOU SAID YOU HAVE A NEW GF, I ACCEPTED IT. I UNDERSTOOOD YOU BECAUSE I SINCERELY CARED AND HOPED THAT YOU WOULD BE BRAVER THATN YOUR ANXIETY. I NEVER PLAYED A VICTIM. I KNEW WHAT I GOT MYSELF INTO. IF YOU ARE REFERENCING MY IG STORIES, WHY ARE YOU GRAVELY AFFECTED IF YOU KNOW IT ISNT TRUE?”

I let my emotions rule. He wanted that. He hit the spot of making me communicate with him again. After that, my life started falling apart again and I missed him everyday. I started questioning myself again if it was all my fault. I greeted him Merry Christmas.

On December 26  ,  I posted a status in my whatsapp and he commented about that. He started opening up about his condition again and his family. He said that he was overdosed and that he needed me. Ad he vented on me making him a secret bad boy. He said that I saw through him and that he ran away from me because the song that he sang for me connected us.  He was afraid. He also questioned me if I was sincere because I could not sleep in his place. Before I explained to him about our family orientation and culture but it seemed that he does not listen and respect it at all.  

Furthermore, he said that  I was investing on us and that  I always wanted to leave when we were together. He said that I wouldn’t do small things like sleeping over. He turned the table.  He was playing the victim and as naïve as I was, I believed that it was my fault. That he ended ours because of me, because of my wrongdoings. He also started talking about God and mocking Him. I felt bad for not defending God.

And so, we decided to meet on Dec 28., that was Friday. I asked him if it was okay since Friday was workday for him. He said yes and that he is the boss. We agreed to see the Dubai Frame on Friday. It was definite.

December 27 night, I asked him about the details. Everything just went haywire.  He was asking if he should book a hotel in Dubai and all. I did not approve because he might try to have sex with me but then he was becoming angrier and said that what I only did for us was giving him a cake on his birthday. I was so annoyed . He wanted us to meet at that point – it was 8 pm. I told him fine but he had to pick me up. He nagged that he has feelings too and I should be the one getting a cab to his place. We fought again and he ended up blocking me in whatsapp.

I was so angry. I called him and told him to unblock me. Eventhough it was a shame to go to his place, I did. I swallowed my pride. I wanted to prove that he was wrong. That I invested a lot in this fucked-up relationship.

When I set foot at Ritz-Carlton, he was there waiting and smiling. The nerve. I was so upset with his attitude. He wanted to bring me inside his villa but I decided to go where we first kissed – the couch infront of the beach. He tried touching me but I told him not to.

When we were there, he acted as if everything was normal and fine, that we didn’t have problems and that there was nothing to talk about. I was asking him but he was not opening up. There and then I decided that it was never going to work. I did not hear any apology from him. He laid on my lap and started getting clingy. I resisted to hold him back. I was very scared of him.

We went to his villa. He carried me to his couch and hugged me so close. I felt blank. His warmth was like a poison. I asked him if he tried enough for our relationship. He closed my one eye and asked me, “Try to look at me with your two eyes.” I got his point and I reflected about his condition. Somehow, I trusted him again. He brought me to his bed. We stared at each other.

He kissed me. I felt anguish. He kissed me again. I hated myself.

Later that night, he pointed out that he only had a relationship with the girl to push me away, that it was the only way for me to give up on him. Later on, he was saying that we were both addicted to pain. As the talk went on, he went on telling me that the fault is on me. I stood up and asked, ‘ Why are you always blaming me?’ He was defending himself all night and made himself looked like the victim.

When he started kissing me again, I did not feel the love that I felt before. Eventhough we shared a kind of intimacy, my soul, heart and mind were in another galaxy. I broke down. I cried and cried. He asked why and I told him that I am so scared of you hurting me again. He was silent. He did not reassure me that he won’t do it again.

I did not sleep the whole night. I lied to my sister that I was in my bestfriend’s house. See what you do for a guy? She was against him. She wanted me to stop communicating with him.

In the morning, he was getting ready for work. I thought he was not going since we agreed to see the Dubai Frame – it was December 28. He dressed me up with my socks and jacket and decided to drop me off at home. I asked him if we’re still going to Dubai and he said that he’ll just text me. At that point, I sensed that he will do the same thing again – he won’t show up, block me in social media and leave me hanging.

Later on,  I said that we could still go to the movie. He said yes but before the screening, he said that he couldn’t make it because he was so exhausted. I was so disappointed.  I have decided that I have to end this whole shitty affair.

I wrote a breakup letter. I decided to see him that night , pretend that everything is fine and leave the letter before he wakes up.

I asked my friend to drop me at the Ritz Carlton that night. I lied again to my sister about where I was. I called him. At first, he was not answering but thankfully, he did. He was fast asleep.

He was not pleased to see me. As a matter of fact, he was angry. He said that I disturbed his sleep and he was not also able to sleep last night because of me.

I know it was not going to be a pleasant night. Then, he smoked shisha in his balcony.  I asked for liquor and he gave me whisky. He talked about his family, his life and all. He opened up more than before.  But then I asked him about marriage, he doesn’t believe in it. He wants kids but doesn’t like to settle down. I wonder if he really wants kids remembering what he did in Turkey. He is not a good man. I can’t see him as the father of my children.

We went inside because he said that I was too loud. Then, he said I was drunk. I was not drunk, I was just dizzy. He wanted me to go home because he thought that I was intoxicated and that something might happen to us that night which I really did not want. In fairness to him, he doesn’t want to have sex with me when I am drunk. He still has some kind of respect. Moving on, he let me sleep there again.  That night, he became more comfortable and genuine. Or so I thought.

So I planned to leave the letter in the early morning but I couldn’t. He would wake up in every move and I did not want to hurt him as much. We had a nice breakfast and he was really in light mood. He was extremely happy but I know that I cannot love him again. It cant be repaired. After he showered, I went to the bathroom and hid my letter in his drawer.

He dropped me off and I messaged him that that was the last time he was ever going to see me , that I love him but breaking up was for the both of us. I told him about the letter and asked him to read it for my explanation.

Leaving him was both reliving but at the same time, devastating.

After a few hours, he messaged me that he has read the letter and that he was sorry. He admitted that he hurt me  but he said that he was really happy and started being comfortable with me. I cried after reading that. I had What ifs. What if I have given him more time to be okay, what if I ruined our chance to be with each other, What if I extended my patience more?

I did not reply.

After two days, I was rereading our messages in whatsapp. I blocked, unblocked blocked and unblocked him. Accidentally, I sent a recording to him. He replied.

I GAVE YOU HONESTY. I GAVE YOU LOVE. WHEN  DROPPED YOU OFF, I WAS OPTIMISTIC ABOUT IS. TALK ABOUT A GUT PUNCH YOUDID IT. I READ AND REREAD AND READ AGAIN YOUR LETTER. IT WAS BETRAYAL ON PINK LETTERHEAD.

ME: I LOVE YOU. COULD YOU SAY THAT?

HIM: I LOVE YOU. YOU HURT ME. I HURT YOU TOO BUT I TOLD YOU IM GOING THROUGH THINGS. I DELETED EVERYTHING – MY IG, TWITTER. I HAD TO EMAIL MY FRIENDS THAT ID DIDN’T DIE. I FELT COMFORTABLE IN AWAY WITH YOU THAT I HAD NEVER FELT. I COULD HAVE SAID THAT I LOVE YOU WHEN I DROPPED YOU OFF BUT YOU WERE ACTING WEIRD.

Then it struck me. He finally said that he loves me. He loves me! He was always afraid of saying  I love you. I felt mixed emotions. I wanted to believe him but I have many doubts.

ME:  I JUST WANTED YOU TO PRIORITIZE ME ON THAT DAY. DEC. 28. JUST FOR A MOVIE FOR TWO HOURS.

HIM: I AM DONE ARGUING THIS. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR ORCHESTRATED A BREAKUP.

ME: SEE? YOU ARE RUNNING AWAY AGAIN.

HIM: YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. I MA DEVASTATED AND YOU ARE HAUNTING ME.

ME: I AM DEVASTATED TOO.

HIM: GOODBYE KATRINA. WE WILL BOTH GROW FROM THIS. PLEASE DON’T ENTER MY LIFE AGAIN. I LOVE YOU.

Then , he blocked me again.

After a few hours, he asked me to come over.

I was very much worried since he might hurt himself.

 I called him, shit. And he said that he loves me.

At the end of the night, we said I love you’s to each other. He unblocked me again and promised not to block me anymore.

In the morning, I asked him whats going to happen between us. He doesn’t know. I wanted us to talk again but he answered that he was emotionally drained.  I tried opening up but he did not entertain me. So, I left it. The next day, I messaged him that if he is ready, he can message me anytime.

He replied that he owed me an explanation and that we would meet the next day at 5 pm.

HIM: 5 PM IS FINE.

ME: YOU GOTTA COME. BE A MAN.

HIM: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A MAN.

ME: NIGHT.

HIM:  ARE YOU GOING TO BE A WOMAN? NOT LEAVE NOTES? DO WHAT I DID A FEW TIMES AND EXPLAIN MY EMOTIONS

ME: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY, SAVE IT FOR TOMORROW. I NEED TO SLEEP.

HIM: DON’T TOUCH ME TOMORROW. IT SEEMS TO BE YOUR WEAKNESS. IM JUST WAITING YOU TO BE CLEAR OF MIND. THREE DAYS ON THIS MEDICINE, I AM PLANNING FOR FIVE KIDS.

I read that in the morning. Before 5 pm, I called him. He was ending all my calls. I messaged him if he is still coming.

ME: IF YOU ARE AFRAID AGAIN AND CANT BE TRUE TO WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT THAT YOU OWE ME AN EXPLANTION, JUST SAY IT. IF YOU CANT MAN UP, SAY IT.

After a series of calls, he replied.

HIM: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR TOXICITY.  I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE NO SYMPATHY.

Then as usual, he blocked me.

After that, I expressed all my frustration and anger on sms. I don’t know if he read all of those. I blocked him too on all accounts and deleted his number and all that would remind me of him.

MY LAST MESSAGE: I AM DONE WITH YOU. DON’T YOU EVER COME BACK. I WASTED MY MONTHS WITH YOU.  I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

So, that’s basically it.

A fucked-up story.

I really don’t know the reason why he did not come. He  was ending the call so it means he was holding it and just didn’t want to answer. Was he in a meeting? If I was really important to him, he could have texted me to wait. That would not take much of his time, right? If he is really decided to talk to me, eh could have done something.

Maybe he really didn’t want us to meet again. He made me expect to hurt me. He wanted his revenge. He always wanted to be the one ending a relationship. HE is narcissis, an emotional manipulator, a fearful avoidant.

He is very much broken and I cant believe that I loved someone like him.

---to be continued