This is the last time I am going to write about love.

This is the last time I am going to write about love.

Love always fascinated me at a young age. I would always visualize myself meeting love under the pouring rain or in a bookstore, his head buried in a Harry Potter series. I wanted love to dress in his unbuttoned white long sleeves, wearing that playful smile with perfectly-aligned, pearly teeth. His eyes - blue and sparkling, his lips – pink and soft, his fragrance, new and fresh like spring. He ought to be good- looking, tall, smart, conversationalist, adventurous, financially stable, and family-oriented.

With all these self-constructed standards, I remained single for 27 years. I was happy, though. Then, I dated enough to realize that the thrill wears off when a man does not challenge me.

Romantic movies with complicated plot and tragic endings arouse my interest; star-crossed lovers, characters dying at the end, that’s my thing. And maybe, that 'challenging' mindset and this 'complicated' interest brought me to where I was months ago. Love ticked off most of the standards I’ve set and I thought , he was the one.

I learned that love is blissfully painful. There is pain in being happy and happiness in being hurt.

Love is a verb - it kisses, hugs, dances and inspires. Love does not focus on his past. It accepts and sacrifices.  Love exposes you to an unraveled dimension. Love reinforces you to do it for the sake of love.  But love also lies, accuses, denies, leaves, returns, ghosts, stops, and shatters. Love overlooks the red flags that are right there waving and begging for your attention. Love doubts, disappoints, abandons, manipulates, neglect, scars and empties you.

Love holds on, forgives, accepts again, and tries again. Love tries again but fails. It can fail because of cultural differences, personality combats, family disapproval, religious beliefs, values, and upbringing. No matter how great your love is for one another, it will never be enough to keep the flames alive.

But it does not mean that when love fails, you have failed to love. Love might be the verb but you are still your own subject. You are the DOER.

DO grieve. Do cry. Do self-pity. Do ask what went wrong this time. Do self-blame. You have to admit that you had your share of the plate because the signs had been there all along but your head was full of these rainbow illusions that he would change for you. Burst these fantasy balloons and witness the story from the outside. 

Now you ask yourself, why do you attract people who are toxic and/or emotionally unavailable? Why does this pattern keep on repeating? Simple, we attract who and what we are. The level of value we see in ourselves is the same level that the people we attract tend to have. 

YES, just do and go through the stages of breaking up. But after that, DO help yourself to heal and stand again.  It is not easy to do but it can be done. Let go of things that are not serving you. Breaking up does not mean that you force yourself to forget and unlove him. Moving on is a slow process but when you really do it and accept that you can never be together again, that's beautiful. This is for the both of you. Sanity and health are at stake.

Be happy for him. Be happy for them. Be happy for yourself and for the happier things coming your way. Have the drive to understand yourself more and reach your goals. Use logic that someone worthy exists. And if there are times that you cannot comprehend what is unfolding right now, trust the process. Circumstances are realigning for the higher good. Be happy that you have embraced love. You may look back but do not regret. You have loved and you were loved. You will love and be loved again. And that's all that matters.  

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AVALANCHE

AVALANCHE

The good memories, the beautiful moments

Spinning ‘round and fast but slowed down when you held my hand

You ignited a fiber in me; I wanted to dispense my soul TO YOU.

You were all goofy and chatty yet your blue eyes seemed to cry.

Can I save or fix you? Will you let me make you smile?

I reached out to you.

There’s hope.

We made our home within you.

But then our home started shaking off

With your words “Move on, I’ll hurt you more.”

I crashed into the sea, drowning in waves of emptiness and agony.

I wanted to love you through your peace and anxiety

I wanted to stay through your pain and healing

I wanted to see and kiss your ugliest parts

I wanted to hold you tight even if it tears me inside

Because I believe there’s a beautiful universe living in your mind.

Like the Big Bang, our worlds collided twice

I missed the warmth of your skin, your hype singing

Piggyback rides, kisses under the moonlit sky

Your chest rising and falling, your head between mine

Hugs from behind, scooting closer to your arms

Tangle of white sheets, I listened to your heartbeat

I wished we could stay like that for a lifetime…

But in the stillness of the night, you still chose to leave.

You knew I love you but your broke me anyway

You knew I care for you but your fears washed them away

I knew you were struggling but I highly hoped it would past

I knew you loved me but your panic and anxiety dragged you back.

I never got tired and I hated you for giving up

Was I not enough?

Did you try hard to let go of what’s holding you back?

Did you honestly try hard FOR THE BOTH OF US?

  

 I wanted to hate you more but I cannot find any more reason to...

I can feel that you’re hurting more than I do.

I am sorry for asking you more of what you are afraid to give

I am sorry for everything I caused that made you feel at risk.

Our love is one great avalanche - -sudden, overwhelming

Dangerous, rapid, forceful, falling, descending

But know that it has been a beautiful sweep

Listen, you are loved and please, DO believe in it.

Baby, you don’t have to worry, I finally found the courage to set you free

Let us embrace our solitude; we’ll search for joy and tranquility separately.

You will grow in your own term and pace; your head will be out of the snow

I am filling-in my heart with self-love, the world is waiting and waving hello

True love never quits but it’s truer when you know how to stop

Though I left a flicker in my heart

In case you ever wanted to come back HOME

My Beautiful Avalanche.