Yin and Yang
at 28
My 28th year is basically divided
into two chapters.
Chapter I: Insanity
If you have read my previous blogs, you have
an idea what I have been through just after my 27th birthday. Until
now, I can still remember every single detail of those experiences. Saying that
I was lost and wrecked is an understatement.
Within those six months, I
neglected my professional growth and departed from my values. I got into
something that was so hard for me to recover from, I entered something which made
me hate myself even more. Sleepless nights, constant panic attacks, self-pity,
depression, irrational thoughts and low
self-confidence, craziness, wildness and worst of all, emptiness were the by-products
of my unwise decisions. My body started to disintegrate, and maybe, at that
time, I was standing on a thin thread between sanity and insanity.
Chapter II: Sanity
I started to accept that I cannot force
something to happen. We often hear the inspirational quote, ”Make it Happen!”
but at some point, we have to know when to stop. You tried everything but some
things won’t just work.
On my 7th month, I ended things
and pulled myself up from the dark winding tunnel. I improved my habits and
lifestyle by working out and eating more fruits and vegetables. Gradually, I
was able to control my thoughts. I
acknowledged God once again and learned to pray the rosary especially in the wee
hours of the morning that I was still awake. I finished writing my book, continued blogging book reviews, and started vlogging.
But of course, the journey was not
that easy – there were some unexpected comebacks of some persons, and the pain
they brought along with them. It was overwhelming to have history repeat itself
right in front of my eyes, but it has also given me more perspective – that I
was not yet okay and I don’t need someone who cannot guarantee our future.
Yes, I am hopeful and forgiving. No matter
what someone does to me, I still choose to forgive. I failed others and others have failed me, but that does not mean that I should also fail myself over and over
again. I have learned my lessons the hard way. The most beautiful gift that I
can give to myself is mental health, peace of mind and innate happiness. Despite
all of the anxiety and conflicts, I still believe that the world is full of
nice people – my family, friends and blessings are just some of the
manifestations.
When I was a youngster, I made a mental
timeline that at the age of 28 , I should be engaged. This morning, many asked
about my age and when I am getting married but I just laughed at them because I
realized that I have other priorities
now and more pressing issues to do like advancing my studies, changing work and
visiting home.
I don’t know what will happen next especially
after my contract expires. Will I stay here in UAE? Will I still be living with
my sister? Will I still be an educator?
I am worried and excited for my future. At
28, I can do more and be more than what I am capable of. I just have to work
smarter and align my actions to my goals.
Fear
sometimes stops me from doing things that I want but if I let these fears drive
me again, I can never achieve my full potential. I must not be afraid of confronting
someone, I must communicate what I feel so that he/she knows that I am hurt,
disappointed or anything. This was my weakness before, I tolerated their bad
behavior and this should never happen again for without a doubt, it is better
to lose them than to lose my sanity.
Furthermore, I must not be fearful of others’ opinions and just
be, me. I should not be afraid to be criticized and mentored, and to try and
try again. Just like my favorite poem of Emily Dickinson, Success is counted
sweetest by those who ne’er succeed, I will taste the sweetest victory after a
series of downfalls.
I must be bold enough to open my eyes when I
run down the steep rocky hill. When someone knocks, I must be ready to say
goodbye even when it is just blossoming.
Two chapters of my life — each chapter ran for
six months. It was like yin and yang. It describes how
seemingly opposite forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and
interdependent in the natural world, and how they gave rise to each other. It
was a balancing act. It all happened with a purpose. It made me what I am.
What
a day to be alive! I am yin and yang!
