They always say that I am a masochist and right now, as I am
reading all my crappy, chaotic, stupidity-laden, emotional files since 2012, I
felt like I should not complain nor rebut. What do they say in debate? HEAR,
HEAR!
I have read a diary entry dated
April 12, 2012 which has a touch of
linguistics in it, err, it’s titled Journal of Emotive Structural
Clauses and it’s about conversations
with him and how he distrusts me so
much, how he rejected the idea of US and how he unfriended me in social media.
It was pretty brave of me to tell him how I felt after all the hurt I caused and
pretty dumbass of me expecting him to come running into my arms again. After
this, I remembered striving hard to prove how I deserve him ranging from
finding a job, educating myself, and making myself pretty and hot. “If he is successful, then I will also
be.” That was my mantra.
Part 1: FOUR WORDS
Looking back, even before we had
that pretend-couple-turned-almost-real-thingy , he was way ahead of me ; he was
that popular, smart, rich, tall, dark and handsome guy while I was that
insecure, curlyhead, pale-skinned, ordinary wallflower. We had many blissful
memories. It was my first time to be care for, to felt free and beautiful.
Every moment with him was just priceless - we cried a bucket of tears over
dramas, whispered secret messages, held hands when no one’s watching, helped
each other’s homework and project, sent sweet SMS, laughed over our silliness,
and encouraged each other to be on top since we were both scholars. I liked him a lot especially when he stares
at me and says ‘You are mine.’ But when
he confessed one night while we were sweetly dancing under the stars, his eyes
searching mine, I had to look away and say ‘I like someone else.’
With those four words, everything
changed. He moved out from my circle of
friends and he never talked to me for two years except when we had a group
project . It was so difficult most
especially when he left the country days before our graduation without saying
goodbye. I’ve only realized what he
really meant to me when he was gone.
Have you guessed why I rejected him? Those four words were
partly true because I really did like someone else. He was this cool varsity
player and we were somewhat close. But I
knew in myself before that I just used that as an excuse. I was afraid of
choosing him because many would disapprove. My friends said bad things about
him and I foolishly believed them . When there were times that he wanted to
talk to me, I just started blurting out that varsity player’s name and he would
back off, back hunched. I loved him but
I was too late. He was gone.
PART 2: SECOND CHANCE
After two years of waiting, we started to communicate again
in social media. It was not that progressive though because of the time
difference but everything was falling into pieces. We did not discuss about
what happened before, it’s as if none of
those happened. And then, out of the
blue, he came back.
He came back. Maybe this time, it will not be an almost.
When he was in the Philippines for the first few days, he
did not contact me. I understood perfectly because it will be too sudden and awkward
so I just contented myself with his photos on fb reuniting with his family and
friends.
“See you soon.”
I was surpised! I was nervous and excited. The long wait is
over! I replied, “When?"
“I’ll come and see you in school.”
He was coming to see me in my workplace! Maybe, he still
likes me. Oh, the happiness I felt! I was ridng on cloud 9!
But our first encounter did not happen in school.
I got invited by a friend to a party and he was there. We
just said ‘hi’ and that was it. My hopes were extinguished.
Days passed and I saw a photo of him with another girl. I
presumed that he’s courting her for why would he surprise a girl during her
birthday if he does not have feelings? I remembered the teddy bear he gave me
on my 18th birthday. Everyone knows how much I hate stuff toys but
with him, there’s always an exception.
I was hurt but still, I expected him to come and see me
eventhough the chances are very low.
And one day, he did.
He came to my workplace with our common friend. When one of
my co-teachers asked who he was, he replied “I am his boyfriend.”
(Are you freaking kidding me? We are an item now? He’s
joking!)
I looked at him and he was staring at me, smiling. He
invited me and my friends to lunch however, he did not stay long because he had
to eat with his family.
I sighed. Why is he doing this to me? He declares that he’s
my boyfriend but he won’t explain nor talk to me privately. What is he playing
at? But I believe him.
Later that day, I received
a call from an unknown number.
“Who’s this?”
“Where are you?”
“What? Are you ____?”
“I am at XYZ. Do you want to come?”
“Ok.”
“See you. Bye.”
I rushed to the place and saw him
buying food with our common friend. Then the three of us ate and surprisingly,
he asked me to go grocery shopping, I and him alone in which I said okay.
The moment I was waiting for is
unfolding! I was uncomfortable yet happy. So, we were inside the grocery store
and I helped him buy pasalubong for his colleagues. One of my students saw us
and she asked who he is and you know what he answered, “She’s my girlfriend.”
After that, he held my hand and while we
were at the counter, he said to the cashier “She’s my girlfriend, she’s
beautiful right?”
I was out of words. It seemed
that my neurons were washed out by these colossal waves of love. I was confused
too but I did not dare to ask him the real score.
Before he drove home, he asked me
to hug him. I was really shy because I am not that sweet nor showy type of girl
but… I did. He invited me to come over to their house the next day in which I
gladly accepted. You know when you are in love, you will not hesitate. There
are risks in love and he was the risk that
was ready to take.
So, on a Saturday, I skipped my
classes in graduate school and went to their house with our common friend. His
family was there so we ate lunch together. He was saying good things about me and
I wondered if he would also say or has said that we are a couple. He did not
because they asked who his girlfriend was. After that, he asked us to come to
his room where he started narrating all his experiences abroad – about his
hardships, about what he did to achieve what he has now. How I wished I was there for him! We had a private moment where he told me that
he was flying again the next day. I was aware of that of course but him telling
me that is a big blow. He looked at me and asked if I could stay a bit more and
talk. I said ‘yes,’
However, our common friend
eventually convinced me to go home and slipped that it’s dangerous to stay and
his family might misinterpret our actions.
He respected my decision and we bade our first and last sweet goodbye. I
remembered crying while we were on our way home and he again called me that I
should go back. Later that afternoon, I went back to graduate school and even though
our professor was discussing theories on psychology which is my favorite topic,
I could not shut him off my mind.
“Should I really come back?”
“Yes, let’s talk.”
“But what will you tell them?”
“That you are my girlfriend.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too babe.”
Part 3: SEENZONED , UNFRIENDED
In most romantic scenes, the female
protagonist will go to the airport and hug her lover asking him not to go. The
male protagonist will then hug her back and kiss her tears away promising her
that he will come back.
But in the real world, none of
those will happen. The years of waiting were just a trash. We broke up. How?
We were okay. I trust him, I
trust our love. I enjoyed our witty conversations, his photos while working and
during travels and his out-of-tune audio clips. But like any tragic love story,
his love vanished. I woke up one day and another with no messages and calls
from him. I started to worry but I did not complain because he might be busy
and I respect his priorities. Days passed and still, no reply. There were
tagged photos of him and another girl in the bar and I asked him what were
those all about, still no reply. There were more photos and I was really
getting annoyed yet not one explanation from him. I let
my anger passed and waited for days and guess what, he has seenzoned all my
messages. I got depressed. I threw him accusations and our issues from the
past. I even plead for him to make me understand what was happening. Again,
seenzoned.
The next thing I knew, he
unfriended me again in social media.
I was devastated! I was fuming
mad because I did not know what was wrong! What did I do? What have I done to
deserve all the pain! I hated everything about myself. Maybe, I was not that
woman he wants. I was never good enough for
him.
PART 4: ROCK BOTTOM
My self-confidence has reached
rock bottom and since then, I started to lose myself.
I opened up with my friends and
they were mad at me for choosing him. They also hated him because they did not
think that he could do that. He was a good guy, for all we know.
So as to maneuver my life back on
track, I started dating.
Nurse, engineer, architect,
teacher, photographer, marketing agent, technician etc. – I dated them nonetheless
every date turned out to be a disaster. I intimidated them, asked them weird
questions and intentionally acted crazy. I hated how boring they were and how
soft and gentle were they on me. I wanted them to get even and tell me that I
must not be liked nor loved! But they never did and they even appreciated how
cool I was and asked for another chance after all. As if.
So, all first dates with
first-time-to-meet guys were also the last. I made them fall with no aim to
catch. Deep inside I was still hurting and moving on, and questioning why he
also let me fall, caught me but threw me aside.
This continued for months until I
realized that maybe, he did that to get his revenge. I hurt him in the past and
that was his way to let me feel what he felt. Yes, I said to myself. I deserved
the pain.
Since then, I stopped dating and
just focused on my work , family and self.
PART 5: REAL DEAL
One year after the breakup, during Christmas break, I received a
message from him saying he was sorry.
“Why did you do that?”
“It runs in the blood.”
“ What? You control your actions so
don’t blame it on your blood or whatsoever!”
And for the third time, he evaporated.
I was furious! He is so stupid! And
I was also stupid for letting him break my defenses again. It was shitty to
hear a lame reason from a person you wanted to spend your life with. It was
shitty that I was still affected despite all the shittiness that he did.
Few months later, I became
friends with his friends. It hurt me when they revealed that that guy told them
that I was running after him. But I told them the whole story for this reason,
we started to stick the pieces of the puzzle together.
Now I know. He did that because I
could never provide what he wants. No matter what I do, even if I become the
richest , sexiest, prettiest or the most influential person on earth, he would not still love me. He
would never be happy with me because I am not a guy.
Part 6: THE END
As I am writing this love story before
going to Batac, I feel relieved because after all the deception, heartaches and
tears, I am still strong and happy. I have forgiven him long long time ago and
I still believe that he is a good guy and whenever I see his pictures, I just
wish him a good life. Someday, if we see each other again, I hope we can still
be friends because in the first place, we started as friends.
So guys, this is my love story-
JUST ANOTHER LOVE STORY. Yes, he was my first boyfriend and I never had any
after him but that is totally okay because the best is yet to come. God will
send the right person at the right time.
Word of advice, when love knocks
on your door, open it but take caution. Love is the greatest but don’t make it turn you into the worst.
