BIPOLAR DISORDER AND DEATH (remove first three words)

BIPOLAR DISORDER AND DEATH (remove first three words)

With all the healthy, normal and functional neurons I have, I wish to talk about bipolar disorder. But this was  three days ago. I guess all my neurons and even my other cells are  starting to expire that even my soul can disagree no more.

How am I going to describe how I feel with words deprived from careful word choice? I am so thin like I’m  gonna be a perfect instructional material for skeletal system.  Everything hurts especially my  throat, chest and head. I cannot stand for more than five minutes so I just lie on my bed and suffer from another death-infested sleep. It’s as if the world’s turning upside down where my head’s hanging on an oak tree. I cannot breathe. I cannot hear.  I cannot taste. I go to the comfort  room for shameless expulsion. I  cannot do anything not even my lessons because I either  doze off or have  headache attacks . I cannot think. How can I teach effectively when I cannot think?

Thursday this week, I met my students  for the second semester.  Everything was going well in the morning but in the afternoon, especially on my last period, I couldn’t muster strength to explain nor to stop them from misbehaving. The next day, I had to take a leave until this day. So far, I got salary deduction for three days. That’s why I don’t want to be confined in the hospital because I won’t have savings left. I know I have to go but my dreams are more important than this. It’s so funny that I remember saying to my class “I am not afraid to die.” But I’ve realized that when you feel like you’re almost on the brink of death, you become regretful of the things you did not do and the things that you wished for.

I remember those I’ve hurt but did not manage to ask for forgiveness. I remember not being competitive enough, for not trying to win over myself, for being mediocre, for not being on top because of my laziness and growing boredom of academics and ranking. I know I can do better but I lack confidence and motivation. I even stopped from writing my thesis proposal. remember being carefree and spontaneous all the time that I lost track where I really wanted to go.  I was too happy. I spent my weekends swimming, trekking, driving, chatting nonstop, eating, roaming , reading literature, blogging, painting – yes, these are all wonderful but are these really  necessary?  I remember being insensitive to my health conditions; I remember my waning faith in God, of not  attending mass every Sunday, of not praying, of not doing good deeds, of not believing that He will heal me.

Death.  I remember riding on that boat during a stormy weather but managed to survive. I remember having that cramps while swimming but managed to swim back before losing my last breath. I remember those nights I could barely breathe because of unknown reasons. I remember how my heart suddenly fluctuates though I am just sitting and looking at the stars. I remember being harassed because of my desire to go for an adventure. I remember almost fainting because of intense workout and kill-all diet. I remember having my class but it’s like I was sucked by a blackhole but still, I managed to smile. I remember almost killing myself in a motorcycle accident. I remember making my body suffer like not taking my medicines, not sleeping for 8 hours and not eating. I remember my mood swings in high school and college. Maybe, I had bipolar (that will be discussed if ever I get well). I remember how  brave I was, how  ready I was. But now, I do not remember how to be that person again.

According to Norman Cousins, “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what died inside us while we live."

If that’s true, then I am good as dead.