BARAKUDA: A LOVE UNTOLD

CHAPTER I

Sabi ng matanda, ang pag-ibig daw ay parang iyong tinda niyang sampaguita – mabango, kaaya-aya at busilak. Tama nga naman siya, pero sa simula lang iyan kasi habang tumatagal, malalanta rin iyan, mangingitim at itatapon sa basurahan. Parang si Barakuda.

Unang nagtagpo ang landas namin ni Barakuda sa isang karinderya malapit sa aming tahanan. Alas-9 noon, sabado nang umaga at kagagaling ko lang sa gym kaya mega mega ang akes sweat glands magproduce ng anek anek na liquefied salts pero kiberlalu and then, I was mega mega hungrybells so I ordered “Ate, pansit na may halong … .”

“DINUGUAN. (sabay kindat kay Ate ),” isang garalgal na boses ang biglang  sumingit.

Parang kinilig si ate at nagtransform na Flash sa bilis ng pagbigay ng order ng Echoserang Lalash na itey. Yuck! Hindi naman gwapo uy! Mas gwapo kaya si Babe James Reid ko.

“Ate, unfair. I was here first kaya next time po sana, ientertain niyo muna kung sino ang nauna hindi iyong basta basta na lang sisingit diyan!” (parining ko sa feeling yummy na laley)

“ Any prob, miss?” sabi ng chaka at ngumisi na parang adik tapos nagkagat-labi. Sira ulo! Manyak! Paminta!

“Warut! Chukies and cream! Wa pagkakioms!" (sabay walk-out)

Lumakad ako ng mabilis! Nakakainis! Gutom na gutom na ako! Penge foods! Bwisit naman kasi iyon! Napakaungentleman!

“Miss!”

Aba, aba, hinahabol ako ng kumag!

Tumakbo ako! Bilis!

“Miss!”

Takbo pa rin. Woah!!! May rapist na pala ngayon kahit umaga! Ayan na.. malapit na siya!!!! Sh*t, maabutan niya ako! Urgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bakit ba kasi ang iksi ng legs ko!!! Grrrr!!! Ah! Sige, karate gusto mo ah! Pagbibigyan kita!!! I turned around and then…

CLASH! BLAGAG! BOOMPANES! BOOMPANOT! WATAAAKKK! PAAK NA PAAAK!

In slow motion, nagbunggoan kami , bumagsak kami at natagpuan ko ang aking sariling nakalingkis sa kanyang matitipunong bisig… nagtagpo ang aming mata, narinig ko ang kabog ng aking heart..sobrang lakas.. parang mageescape from my ribcage , bolta-boltaheng kuryente ang dumadaloy sa aking katawang pusa. Eto na ba iyon???!! . Oh my God! Kinapa ko ang kanyang dibdib! May dugo!!!

Calling DPS!!!! Kriiing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sumagot kayo  DPS!! kund hindi, iCCPR ko siya!!

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“You’re bleeding!” 

It was that dinuguan pala. Shonga lungs te? Epektus cguro ng di pa naglalafs itey.

He started laughing..so hard! I could see his perfect set of white pearls and his little dimples while he grins. He seems genuinely happy with just the right touch of suave. It was pure bliss hearing his incessant insane laughter and watching those chinito eyes that crinkle at the corners. For a fraction of second all I ever wanted was his smile to stay and I thought, if ever we will be, even if the world around us started collapsing, I would not dare crush his heart.

He helped me get up. Emeged. Anlambot ng hands. Bagong downy. Bwahaha! Pamasahe po. 

“I think you owe me a date.”

“Pardon?”

“Sayang iyong dinuguan, natapon lang sa shirt ko. Bibigay ko pa naman sa iyo iyon kasi diba iyon iyong order mo yata sa karinderya? Sorry pala kanina ha? Peace na tayo. Anyway, I’m Red, 28 and you definitely owe me a date.”

*end of Chapter 1

SECOND CHANCE, UNIVERSE

I have watched the first four episodes of Doctors, a Korean Drama series. It made me question about all the unfairness of life, of why people are being judged by their background and why people want to bring you down. It made me think that our circumstances differ and that should be that glue which will hold us , which will bring peace and understanding but it just made us hate each other more.

This Korean drama has also fueled my dreams to work hard and be the person I want to be. 

Originally, I wrote BS Pharmacy and BS Biology when I took my test in MMSU but because of our financial status, I had to enroll in College of Teacher Education. Eight years later,  it’s funny that all along I want to be a doctor. But what is my chance in being one? It will take years for me again to receive that diploma, to wear that lab gown and hold my doctor’s license. I guess, it is just a dream. I don’t even have savings to support my daily life.

But it would really make me happy if that dream will turn into a reality. If I would be given a chance , I would take it anytime. I want to live my life the way it should be lived. I want to live life that God expects me to be. I want to make the most out of myself. I want to see myself successful and most of all, I want to chase my dream and be happy. Universe, can you give me another chance to follow this dream?

We Choose How to Live (Book Review on Paper Towns and After You)

I have stayed until dawn reading Paper Towns by John Green and last weekend (again), I stayed late to finish After You, the sequel of Me Before You by Jojo Moyes.

Surprise! This is a boring reaction paper on the personality of the two female protagonists and their profound impact on my psyche which makes me incredibly egocentric for always connecting things with my life.

Paper Towns

“Margo always loved mysteries. And in everything that came afterward, I could never stop thinking that maybe she loved mysteries so much she became one.”

Margo is the school’s Barbie doll, that’s what everybody thinks so. Actually, the characterization is a bit cliché – a girl seemingly perfect outside but flawed inside and then, she hops to her perpetual journey of leaving Florida (which she calls paper towns), leaving clues to Quentin (male protagonist and Margo’s  childhood friend) on her whereabouts but later on, it was revealed that she doesn’t want to be found at all. She wanted to be free and alone.; liberated from the expectations and patterns of life – graduating from high school and college, getting a job, building a family, raising kids and growing old. She, with her book of Dickinson , wanted to just live.

She reminds me of a fool, self-centered bitch. She did not care on the consequences of her actions. I mean, leaving without any notice is selfish for whether she likes it or not, there are persons who actually care for her (an ounce of care from her family, a bottomless care from Quentin and his friends) and are willing to ditch their graduation day to find her. They almost lost their lives on their roadtrip but what did they get – “What the hell are you doing here? Where do you get off showing up here without any warning?” with an exclamation mark.

It’s not really her fault, by the way. Quentin misread the clues. He thought those were for him.  and he bought the idea that he is a knight in shining armor that would save a girl he thinks he loves. It was an idea, an idea that surely is only an idea because no one knows Margo except herself.

On a positive note, Margo is fearless. Her wandering and wondering spirit couldn’t be purged and her identity unbent. She said on the last part to Quentin, “We are not different sprouts of the same plant. I can’t be you. You can’t be me.” Sometimes, we play the role of Margo. We are just pulled back by our responsibilities.

After You

Did I warn you not to read this book? Just kidding. As a matter of fact, it’s the book that can get you so depressed but only by reading it, can you be cured. It’s like healthy suicide (Do I deserve a pinch me for that idiotic oxymoron? LOL).

To summarize, After You tells the events after Will Traynor decided to kill himself. Louisa had her share of grief and she couldn’t cope with lost. She worked in a bar, fell on her flat and was hospitalized, recovered, met Lily (unknown daughter of Will), helped Lily out (who turns out to be an impossible case of juvenile delinquency) , fell in love with Sam (paramedic who saved her from her accident) and eventually, flew to New York to work.  

If I were Louisa, I might not recover from Will’s death ever and I won’t let myself fall for another guy. But I am not Louisa. Louisa is a woman who has limitless potentials but no confidence to embark on a new journey. She is terrified of things she has not seen and experienced and she is always putting others happiness and welfare first to the point that she almost wasted a grand career opportunity.

Louisa’s life is pretty sluggish and below mediocre. She did not strive to be the Louisa that Will Traynor had envisioned until the last part. She is on the chronic stage of emotional cancer. Why? Her cells of selflessness have invaded all her system, her mental faculty. I am not saying that selflessness is a bad thing but sometimes, we should also fix ourselves first before we can lend a hand. She was not whole. She was a fragmented soul scattered into multiple dimensions. However, with the help of her lover, Lily, own family and Will’s family and friends from the Moving On Circle, she moved on and finally, got the life she deserves. (Is this the life she really deserves?)

If we compare Louisa and Margo, they are totally unidentical.

Louisa has no sense of adventure. She loves patterns. She likes being different but only in the way she dresses. She is emotionally weak and she is sometimes ignorant. But you know, the irony of it?

“You don’t have to let that one thing be the thing that defines you.” (This is Will’s most unforgettable advice to Louisa.)

Those things don’t define her.

She is Louisa Clark. She is.

She is somebody.

On a final note, these two characters reveal different ways on how to live. We can either succumb or fulfill our duties; we can either stay or run away. But remember, we are not victims of fate. We choose how to live.  

MyRabbit Eats French Fries and Caramel Sundae

On my 24^th birthday, my Grade 11 students surprised me with two little cute bunnies but after two months, Maine died. Alden did not mind at all. So did I.

Alden lives a sedentary life. He eats cabbage, camote tops and rabbit feeds five times a day and sleeps in-between meals. He does not make sounds nor possess a profound role in my oh-so-boring existence. If he dies, it’s fine. If he lives for another year, who cares?

I don’t know when it started but I do question if I am living a meaningful life. I fight with constant boredom and make impulsive decisions to alleviate my misery. I took up vocational courses and selected another line of specialization for my graduate studies. I spend my time on things that are not related with my profession like learning how to play musical instruments, paint, apply makeup, sing , among others.  I hide behind the shadows of solo travels. I don’t save money at all; you can look at my bank account.  Now look at my closet and tummy. Compare.  It is a constant combat of choosing between things that excite me but don’t last or things that bore me but last.

For the past few years, I chose the former. I am always on the go -  trying new things , living my life to the fullest. But now, I feel like I am slowly breathing out energy and worse, life. I am exhausted of running away. Why am I running away when in the first place, I haven’t moved a single step? I can never escape from myself. I am a prisoner of my own judgment. I am a slave of growing demands.

I will unfold a new chapter. I will be like the rabbit that eats five times a day and sleeps in- between meals. I won’t make sounds and complaints.  If I die, it’s fine. If I live for another year, who cares?  

Hello sedentary life. 

Why Friends Grow Apart

Hear ye! Yes, friends grow apart. But where does it all start? If we could trace its root cause, can we prevent this from happening?

Thanks to technology, we can defy the gravitational pull of distance; however we all need a friend whom we can talk with face-to-face, a friend whom we can exchange stories while eating pizza and fries and a friend we can invite overnight and sleep with comfortably. It’s different when she is just around. You bully one another to the point of exposing your deepest and darkest secret but at the end of the day, you know that you only have each other. She is there to wake you up when paralyzed from your over dosage of love stupidity. She is there to revive the logic when you are becoming too shallow and hopeless in your career.     She is there to explain when your family’s overacting about your unusual laziness and your frequent travel escapades.

But with distance, you cannot. You do not give away your stories to a friend who is miles away. She does not know every single thing because with distance, communication crumbles. If something important happens – good or bad-  you don’t feel like you need to tell her. Not so long ago, she would had been the first person you called. Time zones will eventually wear you off and before you know it, you are starting to drift apart.

Dynamic. We are all changing. As we age, we rank our priorities and unfortunately, friendship isn’t in our top list.  When you’re in mid or late 20’s , you are so focused in your post-college studies, building up your career and helping your family out. You don’t hang out much but when you do, it will only be for an hour. But how strange that some friends cannot sacrifice even an hour to meet us? How strange that friends cancel plans a day before the reunion? How strange are those friends who can afford to ignore our messages? How strange are those friends who call you only for help?

Well, it’s inevitable because that’s the way life is. We are all chameleons that adapt to this concrete jungle.

We have varied interests. You found out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the friends you have known for so long don’t see things the way you do. You start to traverse along divergent paths. What’s next? You either make a new circle of friends or enjoy your own company. Yeah, eventually, you will move on completely.  And when your roads meet, it feels awkward and forced because they are now just somebody you used to know.

Sometimes, we grow apart because of no particular reason. It’s just you want to stay away from them. Stay does not exist in your vocabulary. Maybe it comes as we grow old and we become too tired to step out from our home. Books and movies are our newfound acquaintances and facebook is the sole way of getting updated with their lives. 

These are only some of the major causes of this heartbreaking phenomenon. We cannot stop this from happening. Friends grow apart. Deal with it.

#SHS

Two weeks done. And more weeks to count.

Summer has gone so fast; the latter days were spent on an 18-day training at San Fernando, La Union with SHS educators from Region 1. It was a summer vacation in which vacation was crossed out. I never did imagine that I would be one of the pioneers of SHS ; I mean, I have been teaching at INCAT-SHS for more than two years but to be a part of this historical moment is dreamy. Who would have thought that a person who struggles to wake up and teach will be hired and promoted as Teacher-III (maybe)? Come on. Life is full of surprises and along the way, maybe, I won't be able to realize my real dream any further. It sucks.

I wanted to resign. Last February, I drafted my resignation letter and told my family about my plans. They were so angry and disappointed on how stupid my decision is. I retorted that I was not happy anymore and I want to be on my own and follow what I love. I never felt so frustrated in my life. I did not go out with my friends and spent more time contemplating my purpose on earth. Later on, I weighed the pros and cons of resigning and here I am now, still a teacher. 

A teacher gets paid Php 19, 000 a month excluding deductions on tax, loan etc and receives benefits like 14th month salary, clothing allowance, chalk allowance among others. Teacher has a 2-month vacation and  may or may not go to work depending on his leave credits. A teacher can just sit in class and tell a story.