NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BY SIDNEY SHELDON: A BOOK REVIEW

Setting: San Francisco

Characters: Paige Taylor (surgeon) and Jason Curtis (architect)

Secondary Characters: Honey Taft and Kat (both are doctors , too)

Genre: medical thriller

Publication date: 1994

Summary:

This medical thriller tells the story of three female doctors trying to prove themselves in a profession dominated by men. Each of them has their own story, and each of their tales are well connected and intertwined with each other. But suddenly there is chaos, one dies, another is about to get the hospital shut down, and the third faces the death penalty for murder. (credits: WIKIPEDIA)

Reflection

I only knew that this book was published in 1994 when I researched about it right after reading the entire novel.  When you are an avid reader of his works, you’ll know that his style  is weaving  intricate twists and turns. Indeed, Sheldon has proven to the world that he is one of the greatest master storytellers. With this book, eventhough it was a bit old, it didn’t fail to give me the suspense I was dreading. I like that it is a medical thriller and it gives three different views about three women. So, here are some positive notes from the book:

1. It gives light to gender discrimination. Paige, Honey and Kat were treated as if they don’t belong to the medical field. Male doctors referred to them as ladies or judging them as incapable and incompetent. Not only doctors, mind you, but also with their patients. Nevertheless, they proved to be deserving of title and respect.

2. Honey received the highest grades and commendation from her school; however, during the internship, she was incompetent. The grades she got were all obtained by seducing her professors , even the dean. She learned the art of lovemaking because she felt that she was valued when men gained pleasure through her. Her lack of self-confidence escalated because of this and eventually, she got away from being sacked from her school and work through her sexpertise.  

A person cannot be judged without looking at her past. Honey was a wallflower and much more, she came from a family of geniuses and beauties. They made sure that she was the odd one out. Her family only accepted her when she started gaining attention from the school and the males.

3. Kat was a black doctor. She was also discriminated because of her color. At an early age, she was raped by her step-father and when she confessed to her mum, she refused to believe. She didn’t have a choice but to leave her brother behind and live with her aunt. Later on, she found out that she was pregnant. She decided to abort the child and found an inspiration to become a doctor.

In the hospital, she was labeled as the manhater because no matter how the doctors try, they cannot get hold of her until she played a game with Dr. Mallory. Dr. Mallory and the other doctors placed a bet of 10,000 dollars to see  if he could have sex with her. Kat knew about this and she tried to play it cool with him. Like all women who feel like they could changed someone, she believed it. She fell inloved. She lost.  She got pregnant. Mallory killed her.

Overall, it was an unfortunate life for Kat. She was highly intelligent and skilled but she was just unlucky.

4. Paige’s life as a kid revolved around the third world countries. She traveled with her father who was a WHO doctor and Alfred, the son of another doctor. They were sweethearts for so long until Paige was brought back to the city to live and her father was killed in a tribal war. They remained corresponding but when Alfred visited her, she was surprised that he got married. She busied herself with work and then she met, Jason Curtis, a rich and renowned architect.

But the center of the story was Paige’s court case. She was accused of murdering her patient with million dollars involved. She was a victim of circumstance and jealousy of her colleagues. In the end, she was acquitted and married Jason Curtis.

Confess by Colleen Hoover: A Book Review

Confess by Colleen Hoover: A Book Review

Main Characters: Auburn Mason Reed and Owen Mason Gentry (They are not blood related, fyi.)

Genre: Romance, Contemporary

Setting: Texas

Summary

Part One of the book introduces the tragic past of Auburn wherein she lost her first love named Adam because of a serious medical condition. The story unfolds to the present where Auburn was talking to a lawyer and it was also revealed that she has financial issues because she is considering about getting three part-time jobs to pay for the fee. She works as a hair cutter/stylist in a salon in Texas, which she recently moved in.

As fate has a great significance to the story, she came across this signage infront of a studio looking for a helper. As she was reading it, she noticed some notes written on the walls which turned out to be anonymous confessions. Owen suddenly opened the door with another “desperate” signage and that’s when he met Auburn.

Owen Mason Reed is a young painter. He knows Auburn from the past but of course, Auburn does not.

Owen did not tell Auburn about this throughout the novel. Going back, the two had felt their connections. For one night, Auburn helped Owen sell his paintings in an Art Exhibit. The inspiration of the paintings was also given light and it all ended with hanging up in a bar.

The story became more intense when Trey entered. He is the brother of Adam who works as a police officer who is in love with Auburn. Lydia, Trey’s mother also stepped in with a surprising twist – that Auburn has a child from Adam and his name is AJ. Auburn wants custody over her child.

Trey caught Owen for possession of drugs. He was imprisoned. Trey warned Auburn about him. Auburn and Trey started dating but Auburn likes Owen but still dates the former because of her son. Later on, Owen was released and the two got back together. They faced more struggles and Trey just kept on destroying their relationship even resorting to attempted rape. Eventually, Auburn had finally found the courage to defend herself and fight for what is right and she succeeded. She got her son and her second fate in love, Owen.

The ending went back five years earlier revealing how Owen met Adam in the hospital. It was another confession that you have to find out for yourself.

Highlight

1.       The idea of paintings inspired by a confession is new. I like that it is more realistic but it also adds suspense and mystery. Imagine if you wrote a confession then you saw the painting based on that, would you buy it? I am following Colleen Hoover on instagram and in her stories, she asked her readers about their confession and all just poured in. 

2.       There were photos of paintings on the book. All were sentimental and deep.

Favorite quotes

1.        “I’m afraid if I listen to my heart once, I’ll never figure out how to ignore it again.” – Owen

2.       “Selflessness. It should be the basis of every relationship. If a person truly cares about you, they’ll get more pleasure from the way they make you feel, rather than the way you make them feel.” – Auburn

3.       “I think love is a hard word to define. You can love a lot of things about a person but still not love the whole person.” – Owen

4.       “Sometimes we don’t get second chances, Owen. Sometimes things just end.” – Auburn

Reflection

        The story is not so extraordinary. If the confessions and paintings were removed, I would not have continued reading it. It did not give me the chills or intensity that I am looking for a romance novel. I want a novel that can make me cry or laugh or not go to sleep.

        Anyways, if you’re looking for something that shows a mother’s love despite young age, read this. If you are looking for a love story that has no psychological dilemma , read this.

               

Personal Say

        Reading this book made me question all the mistakes that I did and if I am ready to confess all of them. My secrets are safe with me but with time, maybe these will be revealed. The last time I confessed was when I was in grade 6- that was 16 years ago infront of a priest.  I remembered saying sorry for being a stubborn child. Until now, I am still a stubborn child and I might add a stubborn believer.

        I’ve been thinking about confessing but I always back off everytime. I am too scared to admit my sins and I am afraid that I might do those again after saying them. It’s a vicious cycle. Mind you,  I do not regret the decisions I made in the past because those are part of me now and I embraced them.

BEAUTIFUL GOODBYE

Love and breakup came too fast.

Yes, we broke up. We broke up in chat. I tried to work it out but the past few days had been really tough. We fought when we had a date last time in the park. Of course, I noticed that there was something wrong and it was made more intense when he told me that it was unfair that I couldn’t tell him about my past relationship. Before, he said that he would wait until I am ready but he was so impatient then he was not looking at me, and said something really hurtful. I walked out crying but I didn’t want to end it that way. I wanted to grab every chance from that relationship.  With all the strength I had, I walked back to him and let him explain. The explanation was even unworthy but I accepted it since I was committed to him. However, he was pissed and I ended up as the one consoling him.

Little did I know that during that time, he told his parents about our relationship.  They were angry at him and disappointed. They wanted him to marry an Egyptian with the same religion as theirs. That’s why he displaced his anger to me at that point. So in chat, I asked him if he would follow them and he said that he is with me but he can’t promise me marriage. He won’t even fight for me. What’s the sense of having a relationship with someone if you do not intend to marry her? Then he said that he wanted to focus on his career and family and I deserve someone better.  Seriously, same statement just like my ex? I really wanted to make our relationship work but he was more afraid than I am.  We both are, I gues.

I was also to blame. I entered a relationship which I was not ready.  I tried convincing myself that what I felt for him. I was comfortable with him but it’s the comfortability of having someone by your side not having someone you love by your side.  I apologized to him several times about this and I know my apologies were rejected as seen by his post in facebook.

From the very beginning, it was not supposed to last. I am looking for a long relationship that ends in marriage, that ends with a happy family.

For now, I am dealing with the monsters in my head alone. I am still glad since being alone will give me more time to focus on myself and to be away from those who can hurt me again especially that my heart is not yet capable of more pain.

For Robert, I WISH that what he feels for Amaya is genuine love and respect and I hope that the girl feels the same. They are both moving on, too from their past relationships but maybe they can heal each other in the process. I won’t lie when he said that he moved on but this is the truth that I must accept. We are not getting back together AGAIN.  His words still affect me until today. I hate it. But what to do? The sincere souls feel more.

3- month rule

“I am going to start dating again after three months.”

Funny how I broke this statement when I met this guy four weeks ago. I just needed one more month to fulfill my promise but yes, I gave in.

The first conversation we had happened while I was doing  squats in the smith bar in the gym and he just came up and said “Good Job!” He was unbelievably good-looking. He had that playboy grin and blue-green set of big expressive eyes with thick eyebrows and curved lashes that can make any Filipina drool. Well, that was a bit of exaggeration (the drooling part) Haha. He has black wavy hair, fair skin and muscles to die for. He is at least 5’8 tall. In short, he was the man that I’ve imagined dating 10 years ago.

He was striking a conversation with me in Filipino- English like where I was from and how many years have I been here in UAE. I learned that most of his colleagues are Filipinos; hence, the Filipino communication skills and when I asked if he had been to Manila, he replied “Someday, I will go there with my girlfriend.” From then on, I assumed that he has a girlfriend. “Just another fuckboy,” I whispered to myself. But  I admit, I was really really attracted to him.  

Next time we crossed paths was in the signal and just like the first, he was talking animatedly with that foolish grin. He asked where I was going and I said I was on my way to the gym. Before we parted ways, he asked for my name.  I found myself smiling like a fool after that. “Stop it,” I told myself.

After a few days, I saw him again in the gym. He was smiling as usual and talking to the other ladies. He was helping them with how to use the sports equipment and correcting their form. There was no reason for me to be annoyed but I was in a bad mood when I saw that they got his attention. The ladies were obviously into him and I swore that I was never wrong in my assumption that he was a playboy. When he saw me doing my lunges, he stopped and talked to me. He kept asking me if I was okay but I just ignored him. He ruined my day.

After an hour, I realized that I was being shallow. Why was I letting him affect my workout? This fitness journey is not about attracting bad vibes but spreading goodness and kindness. And so, when he asked again if I was fine, I was back to my old smiling self. We did our ab workout together and discovered that he is a Christian which is really very important. If he is a Muslim, I would never have ever given my phone number. He texted me as soon as he arrived home.

His first message was, “Kamusta ka maganda?”

Then everything just happened.

Fun facts:

1. He only had one girlfriend and that was six years ago. He never dated after.

2. He never kissed a girl on the lips. Their family is conservative and traditional. Therefore, he was more innocent than I am.  lol

3. He is family-oriented. He calls his family every night. He loves kids especially the kids that he taught in their church.

4. He always speaks fondly about his family, friends and God.

5.  He is very optimistic in life. He has many struggles but he is always smiling and hopeful that everyday is getting better.

6.  He dreams to be an actor.

We had our first date on the beach one windy evening. It was a nice date but I had difficulty opening up.  He caught me staring somewhere far most of the time and that happened for our other dates. He would always say, “Hello, I am here. What are you thinking? ” showing that same grin. He was actually my first date after my breakup and I guessed I was not ready to have a serious and intimate conversation with another man.

Maybe it was too early. More than two months was not enough to give myself the time and space I need to pull my shit together.

There were times that when we talk about each other lives, I still feel devastated. He knows that I am still in the process of moving on and it makes me feel guilty that I could not give the full attention that he needs. I wanted to be present at the moment but my mind wanders somewhere else.

There was also that one incident that made me question his sincerity. I thought he was cheating and all that he said to me were lies. I argued with him HARD and we did not talk for a day. Turned out, it was only a big misunderstanding. I realized that I have trust issues and I am very SCARED to love again. When we saw each other after that argument, I decided to stop seeing him forever. I was trying to find the right timing to say it to him but then his male friends from the Church picked us up and we went to the beach altogether. While we were talking, I was giving hints that I wanted out of this exclusively dating stage but when I looked at him, he was so expectant. To my surprise, he asked me, “What good did he ever do to you?”

I was left speechless.

When he walked me home, I was still thinking how to reword my farewell speech. When we got inside my room and hugged me goodbye, I couldn’t help but to shed tears. He had seen me countless times crying especially when he is becoming too intimate.

I feel so sorry. When he hugs me, I wish I could feel his entirety, I wish I could give my warmth. When he says I love you, I wish I could say it back. When he kisses my cheeks when I cry, I wish I could respond that I love him too.

He then gently asked if I wanted him to go. I couldn’t make up my mind because I was lost in the safety between his arms and the confusion in my heart. I was torn between telling him to stay and forcing him to move out from my life. I was torn between taking a big leap in loving and trusting, and breaking apart again. I don’t want to be miserable.  I don’t want to experience the same pain.

But when he holds my hand, I never felt safer. When he looks at me, I never felt this appreciated. He calms my storms and understands my silence.

He asks me every freaking day how I am doing; he comes when I need him no matter what time it is or no matter how tired he is. He does not ditch me. He treats me well despite my stubbornness and insanity. He calls me during his short break time.  He is always excited to see me and listen to my stories.  There is no guessing of his feelings, no insecurity. He accompanies me to the grocery store and carries my stuff. He walks me home and proudly introduces me to his friends. He may not have a car or a villa and is still figuring out his career path (me too), but that is okay. The bottomline is, I am myself when I am with him. I am comfortable. I am free.

I want to make this relationship work. This love might not be as intense as what I felt before but love should not be too complicated, messy and confusing. Love protects. Love encourages you to be better and kinder. Love does not destroy. It should inspire and build you up. Love helps you grow and flourish. Love is always in your corner, not just when it is easy but when it is hard too. Love sees your soul. Love is not one foot in, one foot out. Love is not mixed signals. Love is not without labels. Love does not blame and seek revenge. Love is being your authentic self. Love prioritizes you. Love heals you. Love makes you breathe again. Love is not losing your values. Love fights for you. Love does not walk away when your opinions are different. Love finds a reason to stay.

I am not sure of what the future holds for both of us. But I am excited of where we will be. I do miss him everyday. Yes, I might not be fully healed yet but I am getting there. I  know that total healing cannot not achieved by being with him but more on seeing my worth and getting up , being independent even if he is in my life. There are potential risks in the decision that I made but I am happy that I chose someone who chooses me and someone who makes me a better person everyday.

Message

This book breathes soul.  It pulsates our young writers' thoughts, experiences and imagination. Through this book, we believe that many will reconnect with literature and creative writing and hopefully,  find beauty, healing and joy from the words carefully woven together. Being the first literary folio of The Philippine School, may this book be a testimony of our incessant effort to showcase and value TPSians'  talent and hardwork, and may this also authenticate how all our voices can be heard through the pen.

Don't just read this book. Immerse in it then write your own story.  We are waiting.

BE STILL MY HEART

I am moving on from him.


I do not expect anymore that we will reconnect or he will explain himself for blocking me in all forms. There are really unanswered questions and I am better off this way than to distract myself again because of love.

Anyways I am spending 2 to 3 hours in the gym everyday and for the past two days I am finally following the program given by the gym instructor. For two weeks I was only doing what I wanted based on the videos I watched in youtube and insta. STILL stubborn and independent, eh?

Good thing about the program is he helps me correct my form. However, it couldnt be helped that he will touch some parts of my body. I just tell myself that it is purely business but my friend says that the coach likes me. MAYBE HE DOES. He even invited me to go clubbing on the weekend which I instantly refused. He also compliments me everyday and calls me baby. He wants to buy me protein rich food and other stuff. Physically wise, he is fine. He is an Indian and muslim though and I would never have a relationship with a muslim.

I havent finished all the to do list since the publication took so much of my time. I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THOSE this week so I wont cram and be absent in my workout sesh.

Moving on is hard. But it must be done. I HAVE GROWN.. I HAVE LEARNED MY MISTAkes. I AM BRAVER. STRONGER. WISER. AND I NOW KNOW WHO DESERVES ME AND WHAT I DESERVE.

last breakup letter

This letter was written a day before I broke up with him. We talked for hours about my decision and it was in a calm manner. It was a peaceful breakup and I am not angry at him, at all. I suppose that eventhough love exists between two people, it is not just enough to keep the relationship.

One week after breakup, I am still fighting the urge to chat him and ask how he has been doing. Fortunately, all I ever did was to see when he last used WhatsApp and watched one IG story.  I miss him a lot but we need to breathe and reorganize our priorities. I don't plan on dating guys until I sort all my feelings out. But I wanna see him after 30 days, if he agrees. Maybe we can be friends or start all over again. We will see. In the meantime, I am picking myself up. I hope he is alright and when the time is right, maybe, I will choose to be with him again. Maybe..

Dear you,

                Before I say it all out, I just wanna say for the last time that I really love you. I believe that you know that already. No matter what happened between us, I chose to love you. I love you too much and I thought I could still save us and hold on but it needs to end now.

                You are not answering your phone again and every time you do this, it only means that you wanna break me first. You promised that we would see each other today to talk but I don’t know if you still do. This is always tearing me apart – you making promises and not fulfilling them. What if you just grab your phone and explain that you can’t make it or you don’t want to meet today? I, at least, deserve that. Don’t you think?

                I have been thinking about this decision for the past two weeks.

                After our breakup last January, I thought it would be a fresh start for both of us as friends. Few weeks later we were both happy and you were so nice and changed. But then gradually, you were becoming the person who devastated me last year. It was so scary but I still tried to understand and I decided to still be with you without any label.

                Many things have happened then. You were worried about the email – what if you’ll be sacked and return home, and I was willing to listen. Turned out, you were just overthinking and so everything was fine again. After that, your mother had an accident. I wanted to be there but you pushed me away. I understood that you needed time and space, and so, I did not bother you that much. Next thing I knew, you were flying to your country to see her. It was the best decision you had and I admire you for that. For the two weeks that you’ve been there, we barely had any communication. I wanted us to chat but you were pulling out again. You said you were busy and that I should not worry nor be insecured.

                I told you that I just needed reassurance that we are okay but it became an argument again. You told me that I am solely responsible of my emotions. I assessed myself. You are right. Yes, I am responsible of everything that I am feeling because just like what happened before, I invested a lot again in this relationship. I couldn’t help because when I love,  I pour it all. And when it comes to you, I am so weak and vulnerable. And so after that, I decided to drift away from you.

                I tried dating a guy but it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I stopped immediately. You know about this , I told you as soon as we reconnected again. You contacted me when you were on your way back here. You only know me when you are alone and as stupid as it sounds, I still wanted to be with you.

                When you arrived, I visited you in your villa. Then you hugged me tight. I missed you so much and so, we were okay again. But those hugs and kisses were not enough to patch the wounds. We were falling apart.

                What is the difference between dating last year and this year? Last year, we only stayed at home but today, we can go in public. I enjoyed eating out with you and listening to your stories. I learned a lot about your life and perspectives, of airplanes and shisha. We explored more our sexuality and yes, I liked the intimacy.

                Here comes Valentine’s day. I did not expect anything grand but you surprised me with an overnight stay in our first date location. I was so touched and it was like the first real effort you ever gave and I really appreciated it. Thank you very much. I would never forget that.

                After our breakfast, while we were lying in bed, I asked you when you will be ready to commit and you replied ‘I don’t know.’ I cried hard after and we almost had sex. Since then, I started thinking about where we are heading. There was no future for us because you are not ready AGAIN.

                Fast forward. I went to the OB-Gyne for my checkup like what you suggested me to do long time ago. I did that for my own health but anyways, you know how much it caused me pain when you blocked me again in whatsapp? It was so heartbreaking. Everything that you did to me before hit me right there and then.  You called me manipulator and you wanted to break up with me because I lied about my pregnancy.

                I did not lie. I thought I was pregnant since I didn’t have my period yet and I was always nauseous and I have cravings. The tests that they did couldn’t tell if I were pregnant. And I was so nervous because pregnancy is serious especially in this country.

                Your reason of breaking up with me is so small compared to what you did to me. The reason is not even valid and you acted like you were the victim. Could you at least be empathetic?

                If I were pregnant, what would you lose? Nothing. But for me Robert, I could be jailed and deported. I could go home and raise the child alone without any financial support from you because you are not sure about us and our future. The repercussions that you were talking about will fall on my shoulders , not on you so stop acting as if I am the antagonist in your life.

                I told you about what I felt when I was drunk. I could not keep it in my heart anymore. It weighs me down and everyday that you don’t text me back, it freaks me out. You occupy the biggest percentage of my neurons.

                But after all that I’ve said, I was still the bad guy. The ultimatum that I gave pissed you off and you did not take me seriously. How many hours did I cry that night? I love you Robert a lot. And with what you said that you don’t see me as a wife and the mother of your children, what is the point of still holding on?

                I cannot stay in this relationship. I am not breaking up because we were never together. We are not together for love. We are not together because of your uncertainties and fears. You are not ready to take the risks for me and with me. So, I need to end this for myself and for you to have space. I’ll give the space that you need.

                If you really love me Robert, you would make me feel that love, that security, that stability. If you really do, you won’t hurt me over and over again. If you do and you are serious, you could have introduced me to your family or friends. Nobody knows about me in your world. If you love me, you will not have a tinder account and meet other people. If you love me, you will have time to text me and say I love you. If you love me, you will make me a priority. If you love me, you won’t make me cry everytime I see you.

                I did not sign up for this kind of relationship. I’d rather be single than to feel the pain from the same person. I am not even demanding too much from you. I did not ask for those fancy meals or trip. I asked for your reciprocation which you can never ever satisfy. I am simple and simple things matter more than your money.

                Would it kill you to text me? Would it kill you to call me first? Would it kill you to be more affectionate and caring? Would it kill you if you ask about my day? Would it kill you if you cuddle me at night and early morning?

                You might see me shallow but these little things are little because they require little effort yet it’s still hard for you to do all of these.  I understand if you are busy with work but when you need me, I am always to the rescue. I can give my time to you. I can come to you even when I am tired from work whilst thinking about how to survive, even with my family and financial problems. Your problems are even smaller compared to mine Robert but you never heard those because you did not ask about my day. You are the focal point of our relationship. You are so selfish.

                That’s it. I am done. I wanna be free from all. I want to remove you permanently in my life. I don’t know when or how will I move on but we cant really save it this time. You need to be alright Robert. You need to reassess yourself. You have to fix your problems without me and that also applies to me. I need to be alone and retrace my steps.

                I am so lonely and the more I stay with you, the crazier and more confusing it would be.