It’s the time of year
when the weather’s too bleak, and my temperature’s too high and when this
inversely proportional phenomenon happens, I couldn’t control my emotions. I am
overpowered with the intense desire to massacre my rationality and just to feel
every pain, condemnation, prejudice and emptiness.
A week ago, I was
invited as a resource speaker for a spiritual retreat in Rogate Oasis. How
funny that someone like me would be talking about something that’s so surreal.
My friend reiterated that I was the perfect person for the topic but I guess
there are more people who are more experienced, skilled and at least , normal.
I am but a crazy never-you-mind entity who does not wear a plastic mask to please presidents and befriend
synthetic-covered Homo Erectus, and besides, my self-declared charm and
appeal is no way tempting for someone to lift me up. Forget that. Blabbing
again. Sorry.
Anyway, I could not find the couage to back out
because I had nowhere to go on a boring weekend and second, I wanted to meet
new faces , so there you have it I discussed HOW TO LET GO.
It’s easy to let go. I
have presented a 5-STEP LETTING GO PLAN
titled ARNEL which is actually name of my friend who organized the retreat
and he was not at all happy about it. He
hates being used as an example but I guess learning’s permanent if you connect
it with someone who is closer to their hearts. ARNEL is basically an acronym
for Accept the truth, Renew yourself
through physical activities, Nurture within, Express through creative outlets
and Love.
Those were tried and
tested by yours truly and frequently, I apply this to my heart problems. I have
been broken to the 20th power and I let myself get broken because
only pain could make me feel alive. Without the pain, I would not be who and
what I am right now. To tell you honestly, I am demigod of Masochism. Even
though I know how much it will hurt me sooner, still, I will jump into it
because it’s exhilarating, it’s like bungee jumping without harness. You’re all
aware that you’re falling with no one to catch you but you enjoy the fall
because it’s unstoppable... you are free…you are surrendering yourself
completely. It’s funny how you can feel everything because of a man and how
your mind becomes so clouded with hopes of being with him though signs are telling you otherwise.
Guys I’ve been acquainted
with range from cowards to egocentrics to certified jerks. Some left me hanging
because they cannot balance their career and love life or they found someone
prettier and liberated. Some were just taking advantage, some used me as
display, some wanted revenge, some were experimenting and some were suffering
from identity crisis and the only way to figure out their elusive gender is
through me. But don’t get the wrong idea, I only had one boyfriend, the rest
were pure M.U. So how the mother fudge earth did I forgive them? Easy question.
I used my plan. After every heartache, I process all emotions by writing a
letter although I don’t send it. I listen to breakup songs and let my tears
drown the pillow. I watch tragedies, horror, melodrama until I could breathe
again and return to my old self. That’s acceptance. Accept that it’s over. He won’t come back. And
when he comes back, show your sweetest smile and say “How are you?” Let us be
kind to animals.
At first, it was
because of revenge. I wanted to show them that it is their loss that’s why I
started my fitness program. I did everything to be sexier – 2 hours in the gym
every MWF evening, 1 hour 30 minutes jogging and zumba every TTh afternoon,
biking, jumping rope, hula hoop, boxing, ab and squat challenge on weekends. I
followed the Bikini Body Guide of Kayla Itsines and I was able to execute
push-ups, planking, lunges,mountain climbers, commandos, barbell close squats,
weighted burpees etc. which I was not able to do before. I could do all those
despite my profession’s demands because I was fueled by my sweet revenge. I
will make them regret what they did , make them fall hard for me and leave them
hanging. They have to learn their lesson, no more no less. However, as months
passed by, I’ve come to realize that I was not doing this for them anymore. I
was in fact empowering myself. I was preparing myself for harder battles
because I know that God only gives the hard ones to the strong soldiers. I
could not believe it. My self-confidence escalated and I was healed physically. And before I knew it, I was renewed.
I started treating
myself better. Every month, I reward myself by going to the spa and traveling.
I have gone to many places without any company and in the ‘I’ moments, I’ve
been relaxed and independent. I have time to reflect on my decision and more
importantly, I had a time to converse with God. Despite all my stupid mistakes,
He can hear me out and accept me. He is there directing me towards the light
and in return, I started loving others too without expecting it to be given
back. God loved me when I could not love Him so why wouldn’t I do the same?
Nurture within. Train yourself to be happy when alone and love your
imperfections.
Expression is
indispensable especially for me who has a short term memory and short attention
span. I easily get bored and that’s why I venture into series of recreation to
express my diversified personality and abet my mind dilemmas. Painting on
different types of canvas, blogging academic and personal stuffs, cooking, applying
makeup to my model wannabees, photography and DIY outfits and accessories are just some of my playtime stuffs. What can
we get from recreation? We do not just explore and improve our talents, we are also creating memories
that we will carry until we die. We can go over and over to the products of imagination,
we can sell our ideas, we can make people connect with us and create beauty
that will inspire mankind. Express yourself. Be creative. No one can stop you.
Imagination is free and limitless.
Love. A concept that is
overrated. There was one time when a friend exclaimed that I have no
credibility to talk about love. That was very discriminating! To say that I am
not credible is a big slap on my face. I know about hurt, waiting, breaking
apart and moving on. I have been through those so how would I know about hurt
when I did not love? Why would I bother to wait if he’s not worth waiting for?
How did I move on if myself was not stuck during the process of loving?
Love. We are all
experts - the only difference lies in the level of giving and receiving it. If
you do not love something or someone, ask yourself, what are you freaking doing
with your life? Love and love some more. Do not be selfish. Love your studies,
God, family, pet, nature, teachers, job etc. Love is contagious. Spread love and endure its
many distress and splendors. But first, love yourself. Take
note, I LOVE YOU starts with I.
As I end this outburst,
let me just say that I feel so much better now. Thank you weather.
No comments:
Post a Comment