SECS for 2017

Three hours before 2017.

Here are the best moments in no particular order:

WORK-RELATED/ PROFESSIONAL GROWTH

• -          Passed the comprehensive examination in graduate school
• -          Enrolled for thesis writing
• -          Coached INCAT Debate team
• -          Endured 18-day training in La Union and 4-day training in Vigan
• -          Promoted from Teacher 1 to Teacher III (did not expect this at all)
• -          Became a division-based SHS teacher ( I’m still stationed at INCAT tho)
• -          Experienced demo teaching in front of brilliant and awesome teachers of Region 1
• -          Adviser of Ms SHS (INCAT 108^th Foundation DayAnniversary)
• -          Danced Ballroom 3x and ‘80s themed Teacher’s Day Program
• -          Got my Food and Beverage Services NC II

HAPPINESS PILLS etc.

• -          Bought and Read  30+ novels from various genres
• -          Revamped my blog (from melodramatic sharings to professional, travel-oriented)

-          ADVENTURES

1. Avis falls, Burgos

2. Abang falls, Bangui

3. Ar-ar-o , Dumalneg

4. Karingking Falls, Solsona

5. Ubas Farm, Bauang La Union

6. Thunderbird Resort, La Union

7. Cagayan (Tuguegarao, Allacapan, Alcala, Sta. Teresita)

8. Callao Cave, Cagayan etc. (I forgot the rest of the places we visited.)

9. Sabang Island, Cabugao

10. Uguis, Nueva Era

11. Sexy Beach, Pasuquin

12. La Virgen Milagrosa , Badoc (for the nth time)

13. Rogate Oasis

14. Cabulalaan, Bacarra

15. Villa Escudero, Quezon

16. People’s park in the Sky , Tagaytay

17. Saud Beach, Pagudpud (for the nth time)

18. Pangil Beach Resort, Currimao

19. Adams (BEST TRIP EVER! Anyway, I haven’t written any blog post for this trip. Haha)

20. Anuplig Falls, Adams

21. Night Life in Vigan

22. Tree-planting in Sapat , Pasuquin

• -          Did boxing
• -          Changed my hairstyle multiple times
• -          Rode in Viking and Ferris Wheel at Laoag carnival (not my first time tho)
• -          Had beer sessions  
• -          Dined in almost all restaurants and eateries in Laoag  (best way to shrink your wallet
• -          Painted on different canvases
• -          Bought too many bags, shoes, dresses, accessories etc.
• -          Fun run
• -          Photography (Bought new phone and an action camera)
• -          Experienced wearing bikini
• -          Played ukulele, organ and guitar (not that good tho esp in singing )
• -          Watched many sunrises and sunsets by the beach

SOCIAL –EMOTIONAL  -SPIRITUAL CIRCLES

• -          was surprised by my advisory class during Teacher’s day (best teacher’s day ever)
• -          Reconnected with my elementary, high school, college and MAED classmates
• -          Bade farewell to one of my trusted friends, Rona (she’s in UAE now)
• -          Made new friends with my co-teachers of SHS
• -          Had close relationship with almost all my students and they are really fun to be with (This has to be the best school year throughout my teaching career)
• -          Met my relatives in Cagayan whom I haven’t seen for more than 10 years
• -          Sick every month due to flu, lactose intolerance  etc.
• -          Became more religious but at the second half of 2016 , I lost interest until I became so sick last December 5 that everything changed (Read my latest blog – Walking by Faith)
• -          Found a new church (UCOM)
• -          Liked a guy from Canada but it did not work out
• -          I like someone but I guess, he doesn’t feel the same. I really like him. I really do.

                In summary, 2016 is better than the previous one. It’s not all happiness because in between, I had my own dose of sadness brought by expecting too much from life, from other people, from myself. However, there are fewer heartaches, fewer conflicts, fewer stupidities because of that love. What really caught me were the surge of adrenaline-rush all trips I took with my friends, waterfall of heartfelt and sincere moments with my students, eating festivals with my family and so on. But you know the greatest lesson I’ve learned? Never expect too much. Just enjoy the moment. Look at my list – the entries for Happiness Pills go on and on. Haha.  Don’t invest your heart to someone who sees you as the last priority. Learn to wait for that love. Everything will reveal itself in the right time, in God’s perfect plan.

               I don’t have goals this time but I really want to accomplish my bucket list which expires on summer , graduate from my master’s, go abroad and live the life I’ve been dreaming. 2017, bring it on!

                So what’s in store for 2017?  SECS.

                Whatever it is, Sophisticated, Elegant, Classy, Sexy Katrina is ready!

                

Walking by faith

This year started with a hike in Burgos.   What followed were endless spontaneous trips to some of Region 1 and 2’s tourist spots, alone or accompanied, regardless of weather conditions and financial constraints.  However, the so-called taste of exploration and freedom has rotten and spoiled my faith.

Let me give you a short background. My father, sister , brother and I are all Catholics while my mother is Jehovah’s witness. At a young age, I’ve been exposed to both religions and it was pretty confusing since they have different practices. I attended both churches, did the sign of the cross (or not), kneeled infront of idols (or not), recited during a homily (or not), wore dresses (or not), ate both round and rectangular body of Christ and whatnot.    When I was in grade 6, I confessed my sins and became a full fledged Catholic. But when I was in secondary, we seldom attended the masses as a family until we forgot all about it and as a regular teenager, it was fine because my life revolved on books, phone, fashion, crush and friends. As for my sister, she's an active leader in YFC before and now, she's part of SFC or Singles for Christ.

Fast forward. November 2016.

“I am sick, again.”
Since the start of this year, I always have one or more absences a month. I rarely acquire disease, however this year’s extremely unusual because I have frequent headaches, breathing difficulties, chest pains and flu. But last November , I got pneumonia that had significantly reduced my meager salary. So, I had been suffering from flu for almost two weeks and if you know me very well, I don’t like taking medications until I had no choice but to stay in bed and be absent for five days in school. Anyway, I’m a teacher of Senior High School.

On my fifth day, I stuck a pill on my throat. It was uncomfortable and excruciating so I decided to use nebulizer since the air goes through your esophagus, the pill might dislodge. After 10 minutes, I was shaking uncontrollably and since nobody was home, I couldn’t get any help so I just lied on my bed and trembled until fear consumed me.

“I am dying.”
For the first time, I was afraid of death. I reminisced all –days that I was so excited on Sundays because it means date with God and days that were attributed to praying and reflecting on my actions , but those days dissolved - I couldn’t even stay in church for more than 10 minutes. What happened with my faith? Why was it extinguished?

“I am so sorry. Please, have mercy.”
I forgot God. I changed my priorities. Like the pill that was stuck in my throat, I was trapped in my own selfish desires. I focused too much on my pursuit of happiness that I failed to realize that REAL happiness resides on those who have truly surrendered to God.

“I surrender my life to you God.”
I was still trembling wildly and seeing nothingness but I was more than ready to die. After uttering my sincerest prayers, I knew in myself that I have submitted myself willingly to the Lord and a smile was painted on my lips and a tear of sweet goodbye has fallen down.

“I am ready.”
I looked for the light. They say that when you are about to die, you have to look for and follow the light. I couldn’t find it. I turned my head to the direction of the window and at an unexpected time, in the least expected place, in the most unexpected moment of my life, a tiny white feather came twirling and twirling till it landed softly on my palm. Then everything went black. The next thing I knew, I woke up recharged, renewed and cured.  The most amazing things in life tend to happen right at the moment you’re about to give up hope.

“I am still alive.”
I read an article before which states that when you see a feather out of nowhere, it means that your guardian angel is near and God is with you. Yes, baby, I got another sign.

There are signs that remind us of His presence and greatness. They are just there hanging and waiting to be unraveled but we chose to ignore them. Why?

I have asked this same question to those whom I regard as faithful servants of the Lord.

1. We are afraid to face those signs because we can’t accept. We can’t accept because ourselves are imprisoned to wordly things. We are afraid to lose and leave them because we think that these things are the real essence of life.

2. Lack of faith. We confine ourselves with the mentality of being blind and tend to reject His voice. We chose the people around us and pull of the earthly things.

3. Everything is designed by God. It’s your choice if you’re going to ignore or acknowledge the signs. Just remember that all blessings emanated from Him.

4. It is a matter of perspective. The way we see God in our life defines the way we live. If you see someone as a stranger, you will definitely ignore him, about him or anything related to him. The same way when we love someone, we appreciate every little thing about that someone we value.

5. Those are truths not signs. We choose to ignore them because they contradict what we want.

Those answers help me a lot in my journey. Yes, those are not simply signs, rather truths and miracles of our living God and the way we respond to these reflect how we view Him. There had been series of these in my existence , I acknowledged them of course but in the long run, my faith keeps waning. If faith can only be quantified, then it would be measured in negative value. I can read novels in one sitting yet I can’t read a bible verse for months. How shameful!

Mid of this year, I stopped praying and going to the church. But because of the overwhelming miracles , worship songs, inspirational movies and the help of my students who believe in Him, I eventually restored my faith on December 4. I went to another congregation which is the United Christian Outreach Ministries, Inc. aka UCOM in Batac (Thanks Brylle!). Prior to this, I was also invited by most of my friends from various congregations like Jesus is Alive, Foursquare, Mormons, Victory and others but none of them really made me go back. I mean, it was not their fault but mine because like what I said, I had too many questions and my faith is weak. 

So, at the start of the singing worship at UCOM, I felt normal but minutes later, people around me were crying, raising their hands and speaking in another language which I couldn’t really comprehend. It was so loud and I was perplexed it made me wanna walk out. Those were like cries of sorrow and help, I was covering my ears because the sounds seemed reverberating and drilling my soul,  I was about to leave but then I stopped and  told myself “You came all the way here just to give up? Give Him a chance. These won’t hurt you.”

I prayed so hard and asked for patience and for a month now, I’m proud to say that I am still going to that church. I love how the pastor preaches, how the music team makes all songs heartwarming and relatable, how the youth ministry assumes responsibility despite their age and how the people are so kind and hospitable.  Thank you so much UCOM! Thank you God!

In Hebrews 11 : 1-3 Now faith is confidence  in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command , so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

I am a work in progress. I hope that this faith I have now won’t be easily snatched. It will take time to exercise it fully but my doors are open for  spiritual growth.

In Mark 11: 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer. Believe that you have received it , and it will be yours.

Yes, we have to claim what our heart desires. And in doing so, let us not forget why we’re here on Earth, why we are living this wonderful life- it is all for the glory of God. As much as you want to plan your life, it has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned. That’s what you call God’s will. Remember, you are more loved than you will ever know.

And like that tiny white feather which I have not seen the moment I woke up, let us walk with faith and not by sight because the one who has faith needs no explanation . 

Kuwit at Tuldok

Sabi ko Oo

Dahil sinabi mo bumalik ka dahil ako pa rin ang tinitibok ng iyong puso.

Sabi ko Oo

Dahil napanatag ako sa pangakong ako na ang huling babae sa buhay mo.

Sabi ko Oo

Dahil naniwala akong ikaw ang una, huli at tanging mamahalin ko.

Naririnig ko pa ang malulutong mong halakhak

Habang ako’y iyong hinahabol sa dalampasigan

at kasabay ng paglubog ng araw

ay ang pagpihit mo sa aking baywang

 at marahang pagbulong ng mga katagang

“ikaw lamang”

Sariwa pa sa alaala noong gabing inakay mo ako sa gitna ng entablado,

Nanginginig na mga kamay , nag-aalanganing mga paa, nalilitong puso

Ikaw? Magkakagusto sa tulad ko?

Pero gumuho ang dingding ng takot

Sa himig ng malamyos na musika, tinangay ako

Ng iyong mga matitipunong bisig at mapag-angking titig.

Ikaw – ikaw ang aking tagapagligtas.

Ikaw na ang pag-ibig na wagas.

Ikaw ang panaginip na naging katotohanan.

Ikaw ang bahaghari pagkatapos ng ulan.

Ikaw ang alitaptap sa masukal na gubat.

Ikaw ang aking barko sa mabangis na dagat.

Ikaw ang dahilan ng aking saya at tuwa.

Ikaw ang pag-asa, kabiyak ng kaluluwa.

Ikaw ang aking frappe, ice cream at milk tea

Laging hinahanap at minimithi

Ikaw at ako ,

Oo, tayo pa rin gumuho man ang mundo.

Ngunit sa isang iglap ika’y naglaho

Pagpapaalam, wala pala sa iyong bokabularyo

Nag-uunahan ang mga luhang nagmamakaawang bumalik ka

Mahal, tatanggapin ulit kita!

Pero ang tanga ko! Isa lang pala akong salita sa pangungusap mo

Na nilagyan ng kuwit,  dinugtongan ng isang salita, at isa pa.

Marahil nga ay ito na.

Hindi na magbabago, talagang wala ng tayo

Sapagkat ang tuldok ay tuldok –

Ang kuwit ay kuwit-

Ako ay kuwit sa iyo

Ikaw ay tuldok sa akin.

Pero pinapatawad kita, pinapalaya na kita

Maguumpisa ako ulit, nang mag-isa

Gaya ng kuwit, hihinga ako at magpapatuloy

Gaya ng kuwit, pag-asang mahihilom ang sugat ay dadaloy.

Tulad ng tuldok, tatapusin lahat ng pighat’t pait.

Tulad ng tuldok, wawakasin lahat ng sakit.

BIPOLAR DISORDER AND DEATH (remove first three words)

BIPOLAR DISORDER AND DEATH (remove first three words)

With all the healthy, normal and functional neurons I have, I wish to talk about bipolar disorder. But this was  three days ago. I guess all my neurons and even my other cells are  starting to expire that even my soul can disagree no more.

How am I going to describe how I feel with words deprived from careful word choice? I am so thin like I’m  gonna be a perfect instructional material for skeletal system.  Everything hurts especially my  throat, chest and head. I cannot stand for more than five minutes so I just lie on my bed and suffer from another death-infested sleep. It’s as if the world’s turning upside down where my head’s hanging on an oak tree. I cannot breathe. I cannot hear.  I cannot taste. I go to the comfort  room for shameless expulsion. I  cannot do anything not even my lessons because I either  doze off or have  headache attacks . I cannot think. How can I teach effectively when I cannot think?

Thursday this week, I met my students  for the second semester.  Everything was going well in the morning but in the afternoon, especially on my last period, I couldn’t muster strength to explain nor to stop them from misbehaving. The next day, I had to take a leave until this day. So far, I got salary deduction for three days. That’s why I don’t want to be confined in the hospital because I won’t have savings left. I know I have to go but my dreams are more important than this. It’s so funny that I remember saying to my class “I am not afraid to die.” But I’ve realized that when you feel like you’re almost on the brink of death, you become regretful of the things you did not do and the things that you wished for.

I remember those I’ve hurt but did not manage to ask for forgiveness. I remember not being competitive enough, for not trying to win over myself, for being mediocre, for not being on top because of my laziness and growing boredom of academics and ranking. I know I can do better but I lack confidence and motivation. I even stopped from writing my thesis proposal. remember being carefree and spontaneous all the time that I lost track where I really wanted to go.  I was too happy. I spent my weekends swimming, trekking, driving, chatting nonstop, eating, roaming , reading literature, blogging, painting – yes, these are all wonderful but are these really  necessary?  I remember being insensitive to my health conditions; I remember my waning faith in God, of not  attending mass every Sunday, of not praying, of not doing good deeds, of not believing that He will heal me.

Death.  I remember riding on that boat during a stormy weather but managed to survive. I remember having that cramps while swimming but managed to swim back before losing my last breath. I remember those nights I could barely breathe because of unknown reasons. I remember how my heart suddenly fluctuates though I am just sitting and looking at the stars. I remember being harassed because of my desire to go for an adventure. I remember almost fainting because of intense workout and kill-all diet. I remember having my class but it’s like I was sucked by a blackhole but still, I managed to smile. I remember almost killing myself in a motorcycle accident. I remember making my body suffer like not taking my medicines, not sleeping for 8 hours and not eating. I remember my mood swings in high school and college. Maybe, I had bipolar (that will be discussed if ever I get well). I remember how  brave I was, how  ready I was. But now, I do not remember how to be that person again.

According to Norman Cousins, “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what died inside us while we live."

If that’s true, then I am good as dead.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Today, is again, one of those days.

One of those days is set by these parameters.

1. Why are you alone?

2. Who is your boyfriend?

3. When are you getting married?

And my answers would always be

1. Why not?

2. None

3. No plans.     

I think people should stop asking these questions because I, myself is not even a bit interested. Let me enlighten you.

1. I am mostly alone especially when I go shopping and that’s when you see me often. I love going out to eat, observe people and buy unusual stuffs. Mind you, I have circles of friends but I am not that selfish to tire them from my OOTD hunts.

2. a. I don’t have a boyfriend because having one means an extra parent nagging you of where to go, what to wear and whom to be with. And I don’t yearn for that. My parents are enough.

b.  I enjoy my independence and freedom. I don’t need a man to help me carry my backpack, take a photo with that  #relationshipgoals, punch assholes or pushes the door when it says pull. I will get what I want with my own thinking and strategies.Hello! I’m turning 25. I can decide for myself and  glue myself together when I break.  And please, do not assume that people who are alone are the loneliest. We have individual differences, and I make a difference by saying that my company is enough to keep me happy.

c. Having a boyfriend means being attached to someone. It’s a give and take relationship. You have to make constant messages and calls, dates etc. I am not the clingy and pababe type. In fact,  I am a million contradictions but somehow,  CONSISTENCY counts a million YES’s for me. I want a guy who never fails to meet my expectations, understands my weirdness   and who still makes time for me despite his busy career;  however, throughout my life, I’ve never encountered that guy.

d. They say that I have to lower my standards. Why do I have to? Again, I am the one in-charge of my love affair and not you.

e. I have been in an official relationship (just once) yet it was something short-lived and surreal. Does that count? Nada. There you go folks, I have not fallen in love yet.

3. I will marry the man of my dreams, soon but this time, I just want to chase my dreams, support my family and save more than enough to finance my travels.

 So, next time, please do ask me sensible questions like.

1. Are you free? 

2. Do you want to go to the beach?

3. D you want to drink milk tea?

That will be much appreciated.

ANO’NG ULAM TITSER? BULALONG LESSON PLAN (Isang Lathalaing Dyornal)

June 2012

Bagong college graduate. Naging instructor sa private school. Nagturo ng English, Filipino at Science. Sumweldo ng 50/hr. Muntik matanggal kasi ayaw ng mga istudyante. Terror. Snob. High Standard. Miss Sungit. Straight English. EOP sa loob ng klase. Bwisit.

September 2012

Tumaba. Nagkacrush sa Dean. Nakapasa sa LET. Hindi nakaattend ng Oath-taking Ceremony. Nag-enrol ng masters pero kinuha Guidance and Counseling kasi nga frustrated psychologist.

November 2013

Naging administrative aide at titser sa isang public school pero ang sweldo ay pang-admin aide. Tumaas nang bahagya ang sahod.

January 2014

Pormal na naging titser sa public school. Nagturo sa junior high school at sa tech-voc.

Nasabihang hindi naman maganda, maputi lang.

Chinismis ng kung ano-ano.

Tinawag na Maria Mercedez ng mga estudyante.

Nabully ng ibang guro. Naireport etc.

Nagkaroon ng MIO sporty.

Umiyak nang todo.

Gusto nang magresign pero you have to exit with grace.

Bumangon at nagturo. Dineadma mga chismosa at bullies.

Bumait.

Mas naintindihan niya ang mga iba at sarili niya.

Nakahanap ng mga bagong kaibigan.

Nagzumba. Nagpainting. NagGYM. Nagbar.

June 2014- April 2016

Naging designated guidance counselor nang isang taon.

Mas bumait.

Tinapos ang academic requirements sa masters.

Nakipagdate. Nainlove. Niloko. Gumanti. Nanreject.

Gumawa ng blog.

Unti-unting natupad ang bucket list.

Naging palasimba.

Nabangga.

Nabayaran lahat ng utang.

Naging waldas sa pera dahil laging nakaOOTD, kumakain at nagtratravel.

Pagod nang magturo pero nagtuturo pa rin.

May 2016

Naging divison-based SHS teacher kasi gusto niya sanang mapunta sa ibang schools kaya lang hindi naman nakaalis.

Nasunog ang balat.

Nagparebond.

Nagtraining ng 18 days.

Sinunog ang kilay sa pag-iingles kasama ng mga magagaling na guro sa rehiyon.

Nagtaka kung bakit nagtuturo pa rin hanggang ngayon.

June 2016

Opening. Naging Teacher III.

Nakilala ang mga Grade 11 students ng EIM at Academic Track.

Nag-enjoy. Magagaling ang mga bata. Talented. Maingay pero may sense ang sinasabi.

July- September 2016

Nagthesis writing.

Naging sakitin at bumalik ang insomnia pero buhay pa rin.

Nagrevolve pa rin sa pagtuturo ang araw-araw na buhay.

Sari-saring classroom activities. Snakes and Ladders. Search. Rap. Puzzles. Speech Choir. Quiz Bee. Social Media Apps etc.

Namemorize niya lahat ng pangalan ng mga bata.

Nagmiki kasama nila. Nagmcdo kasama nila. Nagovernight. Nakipagkwentuhan. Nakinig sa mga life stories. Umiyak. Tumawa. Humagulgol. Humalakhak.

Napamahal sa mga bata.

October 2016

Nasurpise noong teacher’s day. Sa unang pagkakataon, may nageffort na pasayahin siya. Ang saya-saya. Natupad ang isang pangarap niya.

Maraming nagbigay ng regalo at lahat iyon nakadisplay sa bedroom niya.

Sumayaw ng pang80’s.

Ang atensyon ay puro na lang istudyante.

Natulog at gumising na ang nasa isip mga istudyante.

Hindi na siya nahihirapang bumangon araw-araw kasi lagi niyang gustong makita sila.

Minahal niya ang mga bata nang buong-buo.

Ngayon lang niya naramdaman ito sa apat na taon niyang pagtuturo. Iyong koneksyon, Iyong parang red string of fate. Iba eh iba. Hindi maipapaliwanag gamit ang mga salita.

Nagtanong siya sa sarili, “Hindi ka na aalis, no?”

Hindi sumagi noong hayskul ako na magiging guro ako. Ayaw na ayaw ko ang mga guro kasi hindi ko sila masyadong maintindihan. Ayaw ko pa ng uniporme,  pang-matanda kasi. Tingnan mo nga naman ngayon, mapaglaro ang tadhana. Guro ako.

Noong nakaraang lingo, nagkukuwentuhan kami ng mga kapwa SHS teachers.

Sabi ni ma’am, ‘At the end of your work, pag happy kang umuwi, it means makabuluhan ang buhay mo. Masaya ka.’

Parang nagising ako bigla. Hindi ko na maalala iyong huling beses na umuwi nang malungkot. Araw-araw kasi akong umuuwi nang may ngiti sa mga labi. Parang namulat ako sa katotohanang , ‘Ang sarap parang maging guro.’ At unti-unting lumiwanag ang lahat , ‘May silbi pala ako sa mundo at araw-araw akong magpapasalamat kasi naging guro ako.’

XYZ: Ma’am, I’ll deliver my speech today.

Ayan, may magsspeech. Wait lang. Makikinig muna ako.

Like any other drama at night, I am here to agonize your life.
I am again in the position of inflicting pain to myself. I let myself be attached to some people who may or may not stay until the end. I am also annoyed to those people who posts PATAMA in public. Why not to her/him in private so that she/he can learn? I just don't like the idea of ranting and discriminating others publicly especially by professionals.

Let me talk about teaching since it's Monday tomorrow.

I don't want to do it anymore. It's boring and plain. It's being stuck in a deserted road. I only draw my strength from my students who somehow like me - tho I am a bit crazy and bipolar. They got me gifts during the teachers' day and I must say that I was overwhelmed with all their efforts especially that they have made me a princess which is one of my frustrations. Last night, we had an overnight in my student's house. It was fine bonding with them. I want to be with them because they satisfy my social needs and surprisingly, I like it more when I'm with them than with my colleagues. It's as if I'm retrograding, I mean, being silly and fun, careless and too giving. I am planning to stop engaging myself to them but I just can't stop  most especially that we had so many good times. Maybe, some teachers noticed that I am too closed with my students and they started posting that these students have no respect for me anymore. I totally disagree. In our classes, I make it to the point that it's businesslike and friendly. How can they blurt it out like that? I don't have hard feelings for them since from the very beginning, I did not fit in. That's another reason of staying away because I don't belong.

So, if the plan materializes, I only have 5 months left before I leave the country. I can't wait for that. I've been wanting to go ever since and do another job regardless how low it might be. I don't want to take that huge responsibility of teaching the youth because until now, I don't have confidence that i am effective and inspiring. My personality is not even parallel to the right qualities of a teacher.

But with all these years, I must say that I have learned a lot from the profession.
1. Not all teachers are plastics. There are still those whom you can trust.
2. Teachers corrupt.
3. Teachers tell lies.
4. Teachers harass students.

I won't forget those students  whom I spent time with. Those students I have known their lives and heartaches.Those students who have put their trust in me. Those who make me laugh and smile. Those who speak of my beauty and kindness. Those who give pieces of unsolicited advice, Those who ask how are you. Those who come in my class and listen attentively. Those who prioritize english. Those who greet me and carry my things. Those who kiss and hug me. Those who hold my hands. Those who bring me closer to God.

The more than 4 years was pretty long. I endured it. And it's time to let go.

BARAKUDA: A LOVE UNTOLD (Chapter IV)

I sat beside her.

“We cook the best seafood paella.”

Silence.

She stared at me. Then it hit me. I have fallen for her.

“Red, I want ice cream.” She smiled. It was the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in my life.

I stood up and offered my slightly quivering hand.

Her eyes fixed upon me, she moved in close, holding onto my hand.

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“One plate of Seafood Paella for a stunning lady.”

“Wow. Did you cook this?” Red served me a large plate of Spanish masterpiece of rice and all-star mix of chorizo, prawns, mussels and chicken seasoned with the unique flavor of saffron.

“The one and only.” He proudly declared with that fake British accent while carelessly unbuttoning his white long sleeves. He grinned.

“Are you seducing me?”

“You want to be seduced baby?”

I was mesmerized as I stared at his dazzling, breathtaking male beauty from his light brown eyes to his Moreno skin and full pinkish lips, to his amazing cheekbones and chiseled jaw line , to the muscular chest and 6-pack abs peeking out.  He moved closer that I could feel his breath on my face.

“Baby Ata,” he said in his sexy, husky voice. He moved his hand closer to my cheek and saw him swallowing hard.  His gaze went to my lips and as his gaze returned to my eyes, I arched my head down anticipating what was to come. With my eyes closed, I felt the touch of his hand as it slowly touched the side of my lips.

“Not yet baby,” he said and gave me a half-laugh as he pulled away. He sat down on the chair opposite me.

I couldn’t find the right words to say.  I assessed myself. What am I thinking? Am I frustrated because he did not kiss me?  He’s just another asshole from a bunch of assholes including Metis. Where is Metis? He did not even look for me! I dismissed those thoughts and murdered the seafood paella.

“You must be hungry.” And he started to laugh. I  ignored him and busied myself tasting, biting, swallowing the shrimps.

“Sir, tumawag po si Mr. Soriano. Hinahanap kayo. Papunta na raw po siya dito.”

Sir? Bakit nagsisir iyong frontdesk officer. Suki siguro siya dito. Baka maraming dinadalang chikababes. Tsk. Gwapo nga babaero naman.

“Bakit daw?”

“ Nagmamadali po sir  eh. Otw na po siya kaninang tumawag.”

“Ok. Salamat Toby.”

“Sige sir.” Umalis na si Toby at ako, finally, patapos na ring kumain.

“I have to go. Miss, bill please,” I informed the waitress standing closely.

“You don’t have to pay for it. It’s my treat.”

“ Wala akong barya pamasahe kaya ako na lang magbabayad. Miss, iyong bill, pakibilisan.”

Lumapit iyong waitress sa amin.

“Ma’am kasi..”

“Ano?”

“Sir..” Humihingi pa siya ng tulong ah. Crush niya siguro itong barakudang ito. Barakuda naman talaga siya. Malaking tao, matipuno pero alam ko, malaking sakit din ang idududlot niya sa akin…

“Go back to work. I’ll settle this.” Tumalinama naman iyong babae.

“Ano bang problema mo?! Kanina ko pa gustong umuwi! Look, if you insist on paying for the paella, fine! It’s all yours, I’m going!” I stood up and headed straight to the door.

“Ata!”

Don’t turn around. Keep moving.

“Ouch!”

I looked up into the face of a man I hated since today. Now, we stared into each others’ eyes, me instinctively reaching for my weapon. There was no movement, no sound.

“Ata! Hey, are you fine?” Red was then infront of me holding my face as if I’ve just been bumped by a car.

“I’m alright. I really have to go,” I whispered.

“Bro, watch where you’re going! You fucking hurt my girl.” Red turned around and faced him, ready for a bloody fight.

“Metis?!”

“Red.”

What??!  

“Sir Red, nandito na po si Mr. Metis Soriano,” biglang pasok ng frontdesk agent tapos tumigil nang makita kaming lahat .

“Sir, iwan ko na po kayo.”

Eksenador itong Toby na to ah. Grabe, oo nga no. Mr. Soriano. Metis Soriano. Sa dinami-dami ba naman ng Soriano, maiisip mo bang si Metis iyon? But, how are they connected?

“Ata, can we talk? I’ve been looking for you for almost two hours. I would not forgive myself if something happened to you. Thanks God, you’re safe. I’m really sorry.”

“Not today,” I didn’t even look at him.

“I’ll go ahead.” I quickly said and decided to leave them.

“Wait,” they pleaded in unison.

“Ata, please. Let’s talk. I’m sorry. “Metis persisted, following me outside the hotel restaurant. I walked faster.

“Let’s start over again , please,” I stopped.

“Ata,”

“Don’t touch me ever again!” I shouted.

Red swiftly punched Metis in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him and stunning him for a brief moment. The quick blow had opened Red up for another attack but Metis was too fast in putting a simple sidekick into Red’s stomach, doubling him over.  Metis followed that up with a quick rising uppercut. I did not know that Metis could fight. But this is too way too much!

“STOP! BOTH OF YOU! STOP RIGHT NOW.”

Red fell on the ground. His bottom lip was bleeding.

“Don’t touch my girl! Or else, I’m gonna fucking rip off your head!”

“You’re girl?! Stop dreaming bro. She’s mine!”

“Fool! I am not your property Metis!” He was dumbfounded.

“Leave us alone!” With that, he started to walk away, back hunched and head dropped. But why does it hurt? I wanted him to leave but why does it twinge me back? Is this really the end of our friendship?

I walked around and to Red. “Does it hurt?”  I asked, barely breathing, holding on to Red.

“It will only hurt if he hurts you. Let’s go,” Red said, slowly standing up. I felt him place his hand on the small of my back to lead us to the seashore. 

Once we were there, I breathed in deeply. I let the cool crisp air fill my lungs completely before slowly holding out the breath I did not realize I had been holding. The horizon is now sprinkled with tiny, gliterring stars. Moonlight danced off the waves, illuminating the water with silvery patches.

I heard Red’s sigh. I turned to him, watching the ocean breeze whipping his hair softly around the edges of his face. Even in the diminishing light, his brown eyes sparkled with the moonlight.

He met my gaze and smiled.

“You know what?” he asked.

“What?”

“ I love the beach. That’s why I decided to put up my business here. To feel at home. To feel like I belong. There’s something in the beach that comforts me, something that keeps me living, something that sparks my passion.”

“You own the hotel and restaurant? I thought...”

“ I followed my dream all right. Eventhough my parents did not approve it since they wanted me to become a doctor. What do you expect from a family of medical practitionerss? I became rebellious then eventually stopped Med school,  I traveled a lot and when I was in Singapore, I met Metis.”

“You are friends?”

“Were.”

“Huh?”

“He’s so nice. He was there when I was in the lowest moment of my life. He convinced me to pursue my dreams and he was one of the reasons why the hotel was built. He helped me a lot. And I am eternally grateful for that.  But.”

“But? What happened?”

Kurt didn’t reply for a long moment.

“You want to swim,” he inquired. “Let’s go,” he stated pulling my arm..

The water was so cold. My heart beats more rapidly when he slowly wrapped my fingers around mine. He ran his long skilled fingers through my hair. I bit my lip.

He scooped me up in his arms and began to move his face closer to mine. Now, his body was pressed against mine. And he looked into my eyes and kissed my forehead gently. He touched my cheek softly. I touched his bleeding lip and trembled with this nagging feeling of anticipation. Carefully, he leaned over to kiss me. It was soft , calculating. I could taste blood, wine and cherries.  

He buried his face into my neck and breathed in, causing me to shiver. He took off his long sleeves revealing lots of tanned, toned skin with the sought-after abs. I nervously ran my hands across the panes of his chest, over his abdomen, and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down closer. He took my head between his hands and pulled it down into a fast, passionate kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth and making it last for much longer than I thought I could go without breathing. I could already feel his manliness. And it’s huge. Again, he’s everywhere up my back and over my arms and suddenly he’s kissing me harder, deeper, with a fervent urgent need I’ve never known before

“Wait, Red. This is too fast,” I forced myself to stop him .

“I really like you Ata. Since the day we met, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Don’t you feel the connection? I think the universe is conspiring for us to meet.” he murmured and moved closer and felt his exploring hands on my waist.

“But what happened between you and Metis?”

“Do we have to talk about him now?”

“I want to know.”

He looked at me and said slowly. “It happened one night in a hotel. We were drinking hard. Then he confessed. 

"Confessed what?"

"He’s gay.”