DONE FOR 2018!

Today is December 30 – one day left before 2018 ends.

It’s the time of the year in which I have to reflect on what transpired for the past 12 months.

First, I got back to teaching. There was a little setback though like flying to Oman again for my 3^rd exit but thanks God because after a while I finally got my residence visa. My career was finally settling down after a long wait and a series of unfortunate events, and I was happy because I was starting a new chapter in my profession.

Second, I dealt with kids - Grades 3, 4 5 and 6 and I couldn’t be more excited than to work with young people. I had to adjust for sure especially with instruction, lesson pace and classroom management. It was all about extending my patience and being more sensitive, open and accommodating to them. It was a very different environment compared to teaching in junior and senior high school but it taught me to be a parent and for that, it opened the idea that yes, I want to have my own family especially my own children. I guess being immersed in elementary had made me very emotional and to always put myself into others’ shoes. It is positive but it also made me choose others over myself.

Third, I had been active in church for the first few months. I was able to join National Conference, Singolympics , household and other activities. I was growing up, becoming nicer, being more comfortable with the community, my faith was becoming stronger but then, I became busy with work and was always stressed and I forgot about my promise to God.

Fourth, when I forgot my Godly promise, I started committing more sins. I became engrossed with associating myself with guys. I dated several guys from social media apps and it was devastating. I really wanted to have a boyfriend and I believed that I could find it on my own.

Heartbreaks:

Filipino friend. It lasted for a month. He was courting somebody else then she said yes. He walked away from me.

American guy. It lasted for almost five months through chat. Turned out, he is married. His wife called me.

British guy. It lasted for two months but he was scared of commitment. He blocked me.

Fifth, I lost myself. It started when I met him. I couldn’t even express how heartbreaking our relationship is because I just broke up with him yesterday. The wound is still fresh and I am very unstable and confused about everything that occurred between us. I pushed my boundaries, swallowed my pride and renounced God to be with him. He left me three times but whenever he comes back,  I take him back again and again. I let him hurt me over and over until all was left was a shattered soul.

And yesterday, I had to decide to free myself from all the pain I’ve been through because I want a healthy and painless relationship. I couldn’t do it anymore. I want my old self, the one that is fun , independent, stress-free, outgoing and productive. I said goodbye for the two of us gently. I couldn’t afford to say it in person, he was genuinely happy and carefree and it would cause me more pain if I saw him hurt. I love him a lot but it is for the both of us; he needs to fix his own issues and I need to learn to love myself and not depend on others for my own happiness.  I was very scared to be hurt for the fourth time by the same person and that fear became greater than my love for him. If he only assured me that he will not leave me again, I could have hold on and stayed. If he held my hand and said his true feelings, my fear could have been washed away.  If he only respected God and my beliefs, it could have been a fresh start. If he only fulfilled his promise to take me out, if he only had been more understanding of my feelings not only just his own condition, if only he admitted his mistakes, if only he apologized, if only he wanted marriage, if  only he said that he loves me while looking straight into my eyes. But no, he never did any of those.  At that point, I decided to choose myself and walking away from him might be the best decision and respect I gave to myself.

I know that I am back to zero in terms of moving on. Nevertheless, I don’t regret anything. Last year, I learned to trust God. This year, I untrust Him, it’s my fault though but I want to make it up to Him. Who else do I have to lean on and be open about everything? Also, 2018 taught me love the hard way. I learned that pain and love are similar in terms of breaking you. As of now, I am not seeing myself to be with someone real soon or finding someone for a romantic relationship. Love will find its way to me when I am ready again. I just want to heal, recover, be at peace and focus on work. I lost track again of my goals but that’s why we have chances.

That’s it for 2018. 2019, bring it on!

AVALANCHE

AVALANCHE

The good memories, the beautiful moments

Spinning ‘round and fast but slowed down when you held my hand

You ignited a fiber in me; I wanted to dispense my soul TO YOU.

You were all goofy and chatty yet your blue eyes seemed to cry.

Can I save or fix you? Will you let me make you smile?

I reached out to you.

There’s hope.

We made our home within you.

But then our home started shaking off

With your words “Move on, I’ll hurt you more.”

I crashed into the sea, drowning in waves of emptiness and agony.

I wanted to love you through your peace and anxiety

I wanted to stay through your pain and healing

I wanted to see and kiss your ugliest parts

I wanted to hold you tight even if it tears me inside

Because I believe there’s a beautiful universe living in your mind.

Like the Big Bang, our worlds collided twice

I missed the warmth of your skin, your hype singing

Piggyback rides, kisses under the moonlit sky

Your chest rising and falling, your head between mine

Hugs from behind, scooting closer to your arms

Tangle of white sheets, I listened to your heartbeat

I wished we could stay like that for a lifetime…

But in the stillness of the night, you still chose to leave.

You knew I love you but your broke me anyway

You knew I care for you but your fears washed them away

I knew you were struggling but I highly hoped it would past

I knew you loved me but your panic and anxiety dragged you back.

I never got tired and I hated you for giving up

Was I not enough?

Did you try hard to let go of what’s holding you back?

Did you honestly try hard FOR THE BOTH OF US?

  

 I wanted to hate you more but I cannot find any more reason to...

I can feel that you’re hurting more than I do.

I am sorry for asking you more of what you are afraid to give

I am sorry for everything I caused that made you feel at risk.

Our love is one great avalanche - -sudden, overwhelming

Dangerous, rapid, forceful, falling, descending

But know that it has been a beautiful sweep

Listen, you are loved and please, DO believe in it.

Baby, you don’t have to worry, I finally found the courage to set you free

Let us embrace our solitude; we’ll search for joy and tranquility separately.

You will grow in your own term and pace; your head will be out of the snow

I am filling-in my heart with self-love, the world is waiting and waving hello

True love never quits but it’s truer when you know how to stop

Though I left a flicker in my heart

In case you ever wanted to come back HOME

My Beautiful Avalanche.

27 and Lavern!

I am very old. Haha. Who would have thought that I am still alive after 27 years? I guess, my purpose has not been served yet.

Last year, I was jobless and I and my sister celebrated my birthday by watching a movie and pigging out – literally, just the two of us. It was simplest of all my but this year, I am very grateful for I have a job, friends and even a male friend to celebrate this day.

So, here are some of the things that I’ve become after a year:

1. Career-wise – I have gone back to teaching and I must say, I have somehow accepted this responsibility. Being a primary teacher has molded me to be kinder and open to people. It has taught me more the virtue of patience, happiness and sincerity.

2. Friendship quota – I returned to being an introvert. Despite the Christian community and my colleagues, I only have a few friends. I still like deep conversations and being updated about their lives though there are times that I want to be alone and reboot. I am grateful for I am adjusting to my workplace and that’s all because of my gay bestfriend; he made me more comfortable around people and stick with me since we met.

3. Relationships – You know how I always suck with this aspect. So, here’s a few:

a. It’s easier to let go and move on. So far, I have dated five 4- 5 guys this year but all didn’t work out.

b. We love to stereotype. Filipinos are stereotyped with close family ties. Americans are judged as looking for friends with benefits. But times have changed -- no matter what race he is, if he wants to cheat, he will cheat. If he wants to play, he will play.

c. I stopped dating Filipino guys and started hanging out with Americans. Their culture is really far from us but once you get to know them, they are sweet and clingy. But just be careful, you also don’t know what they are capable of.

4. God – I am nice but I can’t be Christ-like. You know that I am struggling with my faith and with all the bad experiences I’ve been through it made me AGAIN question the existence of God. To be firm in faith is the most difficult thing to do especially if you are surrounded with temptations and loaded work schedule. What’s shocking is that I even try to rationalize my deeds.

I hope next birthday, I’ll have a boyfriend and I’ll be a better person.

Conjectures of Sagging Values

Conjectures of Sagging Values

When I was in my early 20’s , I wondered how people can be so evil despite their age. I wondered how young people are a lot better than the adults despite their minimal life experiences. I wondered why their experiences in life had not been a stepping stone to shape their morality and values. They should know. Because they’re grown-ups.

But at this point, it is also the same nagging reason why they step to the dark side. They are grown-ups. I mean, we are grown-ups.

I don’t know when this started. I am not sure what triggered me to be what I am now. Maybe it happened five months ago when I met this guy or maybe, it happened when I was 8 years old, then it just builds up. It might have began from my boring dates and the heartaches, or the restrictions I had for the entire 25 years of existence. I was not allowed to have a boyfriend , and like other Filipino teenagers, I had a curfew. I was a bird kept in a cage. And when I was freed, I couldn’t stop.

I am naturally curious. I don’t follow rules because experience doesn’t thrive on following them. Fun is elusive if you become too rigid. Fun and a hella loads of experience create memories and drive your life. The problem is that I am also naturally emotional. I easily get attached . Instead of having fun, I invest my attention and time to whatever and whoever treats me special. This is branching out, sorry. So, let me divulge you my conjectures on how age sags our values:

1. The bad experiences are hardwired in our brain. Those have shaped us and there’s no escape but to be worse.

What’s the sense of being good if life is bad? Then when you thought that you’ve had enough, another problem has smacked you hard. It sucks to stay nice and virtuous. Tiring, even.

2. We are all naturally curious and temptations are lurking everywhere. We are preys of worldly desires- money, sex and fame, to name some.

3. It is easier to give in to the devil.

4. Being evil is a trend. Research says that in this digital world, evil is even better than a mediocre. Mediocres are a nobody, whereas evils are liked, followed and worshipped.  Since this is ‘in’,  the pressure to conform is powerful.

5. We are surrounded with bad people. Environmental hazards, fyi. LOL

6.  We lack self –control.

7. We don’t pray. We lost our faith and direction.

8. We believe that we cannot change.

9. Evil is more fascinating. Horror, suspense, thriller movies sell a lot. Goodness is restrictive and boring. The more you adhere to rules, the greater your innate evil is to expose itself.

I can go more and more. But when you’ve come to the point where you can rationalize bad deeds, that’s when you know you are losing your values. I think I am.

The Hating Game by Sally Thorne: A Book Review

The Hating Game by Sally Thorne: A Book Review

Summary

This is a romance novel played by two executive assistants of a publishing company who hates each other but ends up kissing in an elevator and falling in love.

Lucinda or Lucy is the only daughter of strawberry farmers and her childhood dream is to be a publisher.  Joshua came from a family of doctors and his ex-girlfriend became the wife of his older brother. Joshua dropped out from med school after a year and took up business and his father never favored him, instead, focused on the eldest son, Patrick.

Joshua was described as perfection. Physically perfect but shy and timid when it comes to his father. Again, another story of man with personal issues. Lucy, on the other hand, does not have grave issues except for her retro fashion sense and a height of five feet.

Reaction

This is the debut novel of Sally Thorne. I am not impressed. The lines were not witty and there was minimal wordplay. It was light-hearted and cute and cool but not something that you can not put down.

I was not able to feel the intensity of their love and hatred, even. It’s really like a game, a childish game. It lives up to its title. Haha.

Ugly Love: A Book Review or Whatever

Ugly Love: A Book Review or Whatever

Summary

I’ve grown fond of Colleen eversince I read her book It Ends With Us but this time, I am slightly dismayed about the story of Miles and Tate in Ugly Love.

Miles cannot love anybody after losing his first born and first love, Rachel. Rachel left him after she blamed Miles for not saving their son first in an accident. Six years have passed but he has not recovered and won’t ever want to feel and see the ugly love. They first met when Tate was moving in his brother’s apartment. Her brother ( Corbin) and Miles are both pilots. They were very much attracted with each other until Miles confessed that he wants her in bed only. Tate agreed along with Miles’ two rules: Don’t ask about his past and don’t expect the future.

Most of the scenes then were purely sexual. These were incredibly detailed and arousing but when there are too much of these, the reader will get bored. The story is really centered on their orgasms thus I couldn’t enter their world because I have not invested in either of the flat characters. The setting is in the two neighboring rooms and the dialogues were not funny nor witty.

Reaction

I would not enter a relationship which is purely based on sex. Engaging in sex out of wedlock is already a sin and to do it over and over again will only eat up my conscience and suck out my happiness.

There are those who do so. It’s because of the pleasure, need, thrill or love. Many would give up everything to satisfy their partner. Many have been destroyed because of the choices they made. Love is not meant to destroy people. Love should not be an excuse to stay with someone who is not capable of reciprocating it.

But of course, people just love too much. It’s dangerous. It’s ugly. People are .Not love.

It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover: A Book Review

It Ends With Us by Colleen Hover: A Book Review

Aug. 9 2018

I am familiar with the author’s name since I see it in a lot of bookstores. But when I saw the IG post of Lovi Poe and I quote, “Colleen Hoover is probably the reason why my standards of men are high,” I was really intrigued so I searched her name and watched book reviews in youtube and the rest is pretty much history.

I picked It Ends With Us first because the male protagonist is a neurosurgeon and you know how much I am obsessed with those kinds of characters. Lol

Summary

Lily came from an abusive household. Her father who is the town mayor and real-estate holder hits and rapes her mother but never got the courage to leave him. When he died, her mother asked her to deliver a eulogy but during her speech, Lily was not able to express five great things about her father because there was none.  Lily flew back to Boston and found a rooftop to vent her anger and that’s where she met Ryle, a driven, captivating and utterly successful neurosurgeon.

They had an honest conversation which they termed NAKED Truths. It was revealed then that Ryle wants to fuck Lily (that was his term. Haha)  in which she strongly rejected. During their talk, she mentioned her past and that she had sex with a homeless during her teenage years. Ryle almost kissed Lily if not for the phone call from work. After six months, they saw each other again through Alyssa, wife of Marshall (the bestfriend of Ryle) in her would-be flower shop.

They eventually dated but then in a restaurant, Lily saw Atlas, her first love, the homeless guy who turned out to be the restaurant owner and best chef in Boston. Atlas knew about her situation before so when he saw the cut on Lily he confronted her then Ryle showed up.

The next chapters were Ryle’s temper and how this affected their relationship. Ryle’s temper couldn’t be controlled so  he ended up hurting Lily physically. They were married back then. Ryle apologized and promised not to hurt her again but he broke it again and again. Reason? Jealousy.

Atlas rescued her after Ryle headbutted her. They soon found out that Lily was pregnant.

I thought Ryle would change himself and Lily would accept him again but Lily wanted a divorce after she gave birth.

After a year, they were separated and Lily met Atlas again.

Reaction

Characterization

I was disappointed with Ryle. You know when you are rooting for someone because he was projected as the perfect guy in the beginning and in the middle, he was so broken and pitiful and in the end, he was  just a pretty and smart-ass guy. Nobody wants to end up with someone like him, right? With Ryle’s character, we need not to rely on the good lucks and accomplishments. And a relationship must not be rushed most especially marriage. Don’t be like Lily. Get to know the person first. It takes time but it will save you a lot from heartaches and abuse.

Colleen is an expert in characterization. Her characters are dynamic and impressively human.

Social Issues

This story also made light on domestic violence. That you will never know how it feels when you’re in that same exact situation.  It’s easy to say ‘leave him’ but the emotions that were invested and the people  that will be affected would be more important than all the beatings.

And for this, eventhough the church does not approve of it, I am pro-annulment.

Why stay in a fucked-up marriage? You can raise children by yourself.

About the issue of homelessness. It’s also easy for us to judge them. Easy to say that they are lazy and that they should grind their ass; however, we do not  know the whole story to begin with. If we only put more action in being kind and compassionate, the world would be much better to live in.

Style

Her plot twists are insane. I like how she repeats some of the lines for impact and how she connects all the events. She is a master storyteller. She has simple writing but it is evident, how universal and poignant the emotions are.

Favorite Lines

“I am going to make a promise to you, when my life is good enough for you to be a part of it, I’ll come find you. But I don’t want you to wait around for me, because that might never happen.”

“People come in like waves, trickling in and out with the tide. Some waves are much bigger and make more of an impact than others.  Sometimes, waves bring with them things from deep in the bottom of the sea and they leave those thing tossed onto the shore. Imprints against the grains of sand that prove the waves had once been there, long after the tide recedes.”

“You make me want to be a different person but what if I don’t know how to be what you need?  I want to prove to you  that I want you for so much more than just one night.”

“All humans make mistakes. What determines a person’s character aren’t the mistakes we make. It’s how we take those mistakes and turn them into lessons rather than excuses.”

“I’ll  keep pretending to swim, when really all I’m doing is floating. Barely keeping my head above water.”