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This book breathes soul.  It pulsates our young writers' thoughts, experiences and imagination. Through this book, we believe that many will reconnect with literature and creative writing and hopefully,  find beauty, healing and joy from the words carefully woven together. Being the first literary folio of The Philippine School, may this book be a testimony of our incessant effort to showcase and value TPSians'  talent and hardwork, and may this also authenticate how all our voices can be heard through the pen.

Don't just read this book. Immerse in it then write your own story.  We are waiting.

BE STILL MY HEART

I am moving on from him.


I do not expect anymore that we will reconnect or he will explain himself for blocking me in all forms. There are really unanswered questions and I am better off this way than to distract myself again because of love.

Anyways I am spending 2 to 3 hours in the gym everyday and for the past two days I am finally following the program given by the gym instructor. For two weeks I was only doing what I wanted based on the videos I watched in youtube and insta. STILL stubborn and independent, eh?

Good thing about the program is he helps me correct my form. However, it couldnt be helped that he will touch some parts of my body. I just tell myself that it is purely business but my friend says that the coach likes me. MAYBE HE DOES. He even invited me to go clubbing on the weekend which I instantly refused. He also compliments me everyday and calls me baby. He wants to buy me protein rich food and other stuff. Physically wise, he is fine. He is an Indian and muslim though and I would never have a relationship with a muslim.

I havent finished all the to do list since the publication took so much of my time. I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THOSE this week so I wont cram and be absent in my workout sesh.

Moving on is hard. But it must be done. I HAVE GROWN.. I HAVE LEARNED MY MISTAkes. I AM BRAVER. STRONGER. WISER. AND I NOW KNOW WHO DESERVES ME AND WHAT I DESERVE.

last breakup letter

This letter was written a day before I broke up with him. We talked for hours about my decision and it was in a calm manner. It was a peaceful breakup and I am not angry at him, at all. I suppose that eventhough love exists between two people, it is not just enough to keep the relationship.

One week after breakup, I am still fighting the urge to chat him and ask how he has been doing. Fortunately, all I ever did was to see when he last used WhatsApp and watched one IG story.  I miss him a lot but we need to breathe and reorganize our priorities. I don't plan on dating guys until I sort all my feelings out. But I wanna see him after 30 days, if he agrees. Maybe we can be friends or start all over again. We will see. In the meantime, I am picking myself up. I hope he is alright and when the time is right, maybe, I will choose to be with him again. Maybe..

Dear you,

                Before I say it all out, I just wanna say for the last time that I really love you. I believe that you know that already. No matter what happened between us, I chose to love you. I love you too much and I thought I could still save us and hold on but it needs to end now.

                You are not answering your phone again and every time you do this, it only means that you wanna break me first. You promised that we would see each other today to talk but I don’t know if you still do. This is always tearing me apart – you making promises and not fulfilling them. What if you just grab your phone and explain that you can’t make it or you don’t want to meet today? I, at least, deserve that. Don’t you think?

                I have been thinking about this decision for the past two weeks.

                After our breakup last January, I thought it would be a fresh start for both of us as friends. Few weeks later we were both happy and you were so nice and changed. But then gradually, you were becoming the person who devastated me last year. It was so scary but I still tried to understand and I decided to still be with you without any label.

                Many things have happened then. You were worried about the email – what if you’ll be sacked and return home, and I was willing to listen. Turned out, you were just overthinking and so everything was fine again. After that, your mother had an accident. I wanted to be there but you pushed me away. I understood that you needed time and space, and so, I did not bother you that much. Next thing I knew, you were flying to your country to see her. It was the best decision you had and I admire you for that. For the two weeks that you’ve been there, we barely had any communication. I wanted us to chat but you were pulling out again. You said you were busy and that I should not worry nor be insecured.

                I told you that I just needed reassurance that we are okay but it became an argument again. You told me that I am solely responsible of my emotions. I assessed myself. You are right. Yes, I am responsible of everything that I am feeling because just like what happened before, I invested a lot again in this relationship. I couldn’t help because when I love,  I pour it all. And when it comes to you, I am so weak and vulnerable. And so after that, I decided to drift away from you.

                I tried dating a guy but it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I stopped immediately. You know about this , I told you as soon as we reconnected again. You contacted me when you were on your way back here. You only know me when you are alone and as stupid as it sounds, I still wanted to be with you.

                When you arrived, I visited you in your villa. Then you hugged me tight. I missed you so much and so, we were okay again. But those hugs and kisses were not enough to patch the wounds. We were falling apart.

                What is the difference between dating last year and this year? Last year, we only stayed at home but today, we can go in public. I enjoyed eating out with you and listening to your stories. I learned a lot about your life and perspectives, of airplanes and shisha. We explored more our sexuality and yes, I liked the intimacy.

                Here comes Valentine’s day. I did not expect anything grand but you surprised me with an overnight stay in our first date location. I was so touched and it was like the first real effort you ever gave and I really appreciated it. Thank you very much. I would never forget that.

                After our breakfast, while we were lying in bed, I asked you when you will be ready to commit and you replied ‘I don’t know.’ I cried hard after and we almost had sex. Since then, I started thinking about where we are heading. There was no future for us because you are not ready AGAIN.

                Fast forward. I went to the OB-Gyne for my checkup like what you suggested me to do long time ago. I did that for my own health but anyways, you know how much it caused me pain when you blocked me again in whatsapp? It was so heartbreaking. Everything that you did to me before hit me right there and then.  You called me manipulator and you wanted to break up with me because I lied about my pregnancy.

                I did not lie. I thought I was pregnant since I didn’t have my period yet and I was always nauseous and I have cravings. The tests that they did couldn’t tell if I were pregnant. And I was so nervous because pregnancy is serious especially in this country.

                Your reason of breaking up with me is so small compared to what you did to me. The reason is not even valid and you acted like you were the victim. Could you at least be empathetic?

                If I were pregnant, what would you lose? Nothing. But for me Robert, I could be jailed and deported. I could go home and raise the child alone without any financial support from you because you are not sure about us and our future. The repercussions that you were talking about will fall on my shoulders , not on you so stop acting as if I am the antagonist in your life.

                I told you about what I felt when I was drunk. I could not keep it in my heart anymore. It weighs me down and everyday that you don’t text me back, it freaks me out. You occupy the biggest percentage of my neurons.

                But after all that I’ve said, I was still the bad guy. The ultimatum that I gave pissed you off and you did not take me seriously. How many hours did I cry that night? I love you Robert a lot. And with what you said that you don’t see me as a wife and the mother of your children, what is the point of still holding on?

                I cannot stay in this relationship. I am not breaking up because we were never together. We are not together for love. We are not together because of your uncertainties and fears. You are not ready to take the risks for me and with me. So, I need to end this for myself and for you to have space. I’ll give the space that you need.

                If you really love me Robert, you would make me feel that love, that security, that stability. If you really do, you won’t hurt me over and over again. If you do and you are serious, you could have introduced me to your family or friends. Nobody knows about me in your world. If you love me, you will not have a tinder account and meet other people. If you love me, you will have time to text me and say I love you. If you love me, you will make me a priority. If you love me, you won’t make me cry everytime I see you.

                I did not sign up for this kind of relationship. I’d rather be single than to feel the pain from the same person. I am not even demanding too much from you. I did not ask for those fancy meals or trip. I asked for your reciprocation which you can never ever satisfy. I am simple and simple things matter more than your money.

                Would it kill you to text me? Would it kill you to call me first? Would it kill you to be more affectionate and caring? Would it kill you if you ask about my day? Would it kill you if you cuddle me at night and early morning?

                You might see me shallow but these little things are little because they require little effort yet it’s still hard for you to do all of these.  I understand if you are busy with work but when you need me, I am always to the rescue. I can give my time to you. I can come to you even when I am tired from work whilst thinking about how to survive, even with my family and financial problems. Your problems are even smaller compared to mine Robert but you never heard those because you did not ask about my day. You are the focal point of our relationship. You are so selfish.

                That’s it. I am done. I wanna be free from all. I want to remove you permanently in my life. I don’t know when or how will I move on but we cant really save it this time. You need to be alright Robert. You need to reassess yourself. You have to fix your problems without me and that also applies to me. I need to be alone and retrace my steps.

                I am so lonely and the more I stay with you, the crazier and more confusing it would be.

               

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT II

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT II

Almost two weeks have passed since I wrote the first part of this article. Where am I now? How did I endure? Am I fully healed? Have I seen him again? Did I go back to God?

I admit that when I wrote that piece, I was fuming with anger. I hated him a lot and deleted his number and all our memories together. Fueled with that kind of emotion, I thought of exhausting my energy into work and my bright  future without him. After a few nights of reading books and the bible, and writing my thoughts on my notebook, I received a message from him telling me that he was afraid and suicidal. It was past 10 pm and my phone was turned off that time. I was so bothered by that message but I did not dare reply. After a few days, I unblocked him in whatsapp and he messaged me about wanting to sleep at our doorstep. He also told me that he created an fb account then added me and that he also messaged my sister. I replied that I was glad I didn’t confirm that request and that he must stop this right now.

I was mean to him. I despised him for all his actions. I kept saying that I loved him and he was saying he still loves me. He sent apology recordings and told me about what happened to him the last time we communicated. I was aloof and I was not ready to reconcile.

Days passed, he cautiously let me understood his whole situation and yes, gradually, I believed him and I started opening up again. We called each other and he was very different from the man I knew. He started to care about my day. Anyway I gave him three options and it took him a while to decide on where we were going.

I thought about it, too. I even crafted sms to not see him ever again and totally remove all our means of communication but at the end of the day, I told him that that we should meet then start off as friends.

I said, “You know why I wanna meet you? I want it and I want us to be a happy memory. I think we should be friends. I don’t wanna depend on someone for my own healing and happiness.”

He agreed.

During those times we were chatting, we had been saying our I love you’s. The amazing part was that that love we recreated erased the hatred in my heart. And I knew there and then that I have forgiven him and I am still in love with him. And I missed him, a lot. We hit rock bottom, we are in love but we need to give each other space and just be friends.

Few hours before our final date, he called me and apologized that he would not make it. He said that he was not prepared and he needed more time. On the other hand, I was adamant so I told him I was going to his place after an hour. He waited.

I was looking at the clouds. He hugged me behind my back. It was comfortable yet awkward. We walked the same path and I took a deep breath before entering his villa. Inside his house everything was so overwhelming but all of those concerns were shut by his tight hug.

He hugged me for a long time and I was just rubbing his back. I asked myself why he was being melodramatic and then I saw tears in his eyes. He was breaking apart. I didn’t know what to do but to hug him back. He was not talking and he was just holding me and never letting go.

 In the sofa, he asked me to lie down with him. It was not lust, it was not pleasure. It was love I never felt before. He hugged me again and whispered that “So ,this is the last time.” Tears were streaming down his face and I couldn’t help but to cry with him. We were crying because of all we’ve been through, the good and the ugly. We were wiping each others’ tears and held on longingly because we had reached a point that we have to let go after this. We can’t say our I love you’s anymore. We can’t hug nor kiss each other again. I can’t go to his house again. I won’t see him again. I was afraid. I was happy. I was sad.  I was relieved. I was devastated.

We dined in the nearby sushi restaurant. Our last date was like our beautiful and romantic first few dates - holding hands while walking under the moonlight, enjoying the scene and talking. I hoped that that night would never end. I liked staring at him while eating beside the beach, watching him talk about the fire. I liked how he remembered our first conversations about the flag of honesty and his dream of world peace. We drank martini and toasted for our happiness and good health.

When we were in bed, he listened to my heartbeat. Then he looked at me. I couldn’t remember the exact words but it was that personal apology I was waiting for so long.

I told him, “It took you so long. But I forgive you.”

He couldn’t believe it then we were crying again. And in my ugliest cries I said, “I couldn’t hate you enough.” He said that I am beautiful and I have a big heart. He rarely compliments. He said that I can go on dates and I told him that it would be unfair to myself and them. Like how can I go out with a new guy if I am still in love with him?

He wanted me to sleepover but I had work the next day and we had to follow our decision. Few minutes left, he was taking my photos in his camera. He doesn’t like taking my photos. To my surprise, he also accepted my gift which is the Bible Alive. He even started reading it. I love this guy.  I thought I was going to ride a taxi back home but he surprised me by saying, “Can I drive you home?”

I was so tired during the travel. He was playing his music and singing along. Music is his way of coping up, I guess.

We were infront of our flat. He said, “I love you and you love me too, right (I nodded). Don’t worry I will text you tomorrow,’’ then we kissed. I got down from the car and walked back home. I wanted to turn back but I forced myself to keep walking.

That happened one week ago. We still chat until now as friends. Do I still love him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I want to see him again? Yes but we must not. Do I want to be in his place right now? Yes but I must not.

I miss him everyday. I love him with all of my heart. I long for him. It’s very hard to stay as friends when you are still in love but I promised to be by his side. I want to keep that promise and I want to watch him grow up. I want to be there and see him happy eventhough at some point, I am going to lose my balance again. He might get a lover faster than I can and he might move on easier but you know  what, I am still privileged that I have the capacity to love a man this much.

Maybe our love story was not fucked-up after all. I love him and he loves me and that’s all that matters. Maybe it is not yet our time or maybe we’re not really meant to last. But I thank him for letting me love him because I learned to be selfless and all-out. He made me happy and miserable but he was also the guy who made me feel love.

PS

If only you are reading my blog, I want to say, I love  you forever, Robert. I miss you so much.

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT

FUCKED-UP LOVE STORY OR NOT

This is the last time I am going to write about you. And even if this writing ends up sour or grammatically wrong, it would still be more worthy and better than you.

It was wrong for me to dive into you. Girls, trust your intuition. Stop being stubborn and just wait for another guy if your guts says do not trust him. If you felt that there is something wrong with him, don’t meddle in his affairs and don’t invest. This kind of guy will just break you apart and no matter how much you tell yourself that at least, you have tried and given him a chance and that you only have loved, this kind of love is dysfunctional.

Back to you asshole.

All this time, I was the one adjusting and understanding you. You never tried to communicate with me because you blocked me everytime I wanted us to talk. You are full of shit and excuses. I believed all the things you told me about yourself, your past, your disability and now, all I see is how twisted you are and how insane I was to even give you a chance – no,I gave you multiple chances and you fucking fucked it.

My heart is full of hatred. It is amazing that this heart which was full of joy and love had become rock solid because of what you did. You are a one-of-a-kind emotional manipulator.

1. You are an excellent guilt monger. You have no sense of accountability. You made me feel that everything that occurred between us was my fault and mistake -that I did not understand, that I did not give us enough time, that I was very happy with myself while you are miserable and all damn reasons that you blabbered. And if that was not enough, you also blamed me for making you anxious and that it was me who made you stay away because I loved you too much. How sick is that!

Days after celebrating my 27^th birthday together, you just informed me that it is time for me to move on. I was very much confused because we were very happy and celebrating an important day of my life with someone special (for the first time) is a big deal for me. You were my second boyfriend and I am excited and ready for a serious and stable relationship after more than three years of waiting.

You promised not to hurt me and to say goodbye properly and personally if you ever choose to leave. I made that clear in our first date. So after you said that it’s time to end things, I asked you to meet me so that we could talk and settle things. It was so hard for me to accept your decision at first because we were really getting along but before we talked about it in person, I’ve thought and decided that it was time to let go. I also had to say goodbye not because I did not love you because we needed to fix ourselves. But deep inside, I did it for your own welfare – I did not want to worsen your mental situation because of me.  I said to myself that if you will be happier and healthier if I leave, then I will leave. All those times, I was thinking about your welfare. I was never selfish.

2. You made me feel sorry for you. You shared unusually personal information about your past in order to gain my sympathy.

That made me hold on to you. Your childhood and trauma made me stay throughout the toxic relationship.

We still had communication since it was a mutual decision to separate ways. You still viewed my stories and all. After three days, you were going out with a woman and you posted all of your activities in your IG stories. You never posted anything about us. So, I replied ‘That was quick’ and you just seenzoned me. It was so heartbreaking. After a few hours you just said that you’re going to explain later. I still believed you. I still hoped that you would come back to me.

Then you went to Turkey with her. You were posting lots of IG stories about your travels and it was so painful to view them everyday. You know what is more hurtful? It’s that encouragement you gave her to take away a life. I wanted to stop because it compromised my values but fuck it, after two weeks of separation, we reunited. You said you were very much devastated and you wanted to see me, and like a dog, I came running back to you.

We were very happy again and our love was as intense as before. I missed your warmth and your humor and views about life and I felt that you missed me, too. You talked about your therapy and you even asked me why I liked you. I was loss for words because there was no reason to say so. Then you said that I am very different from all the girls you’ve met. I believed you again.

I thought we were on the same page but then, after several days , I received a text of ‘Let’s talk one month from today.’ I asked why but you did not respond. You left me hanging. I was so devastated. I assessed myself what have I done to make you stay away.  I analyzed all my actions and messages.

And then one day, I received a message that your anxiety became worse. I blamed myself because you said before that I made you anxious. I even replied that I am sorry for worsening your situation and I am very selfish.

Despite that, we still did not cut our communication. We were still viewing each others’ stories and after two weeks, you messaged me an apology and promised us to meet and talk. You know during those two weeks of not chatting you, I started looking for my old self and being happy again but when you apologized, I forgot everything about my recovery and I was very much willing to give it another try.

I waited for you. But you said that you were going to Dubai and that you will try your best to make it the next day. I waited again. But, you messaged me the next day that you were going to extend your vacation. I waited and waited.

After several days, I messaged you when we would meet up to talk. You said Monday and I said okay. Then I tried calling you and somehow you picked it up. Before we ended out conversation, you said that you have a new girlfriend. Like, what the hell just happened. You came back to me and the next thing I knew, you found a new partner?

I messaged you about that and you confirmed it. It was like being stabbed multiple times. I processed all the events and I told myself that this is not working out. You hurt me a lot and I could not take it anymore. But as stupid as it was, I was still looking for answers why you decided to be with her.

Monday came and I asked if you’re going to come. You did not because of work. I waited until Wednesday but first I called you in the morning after I collapsed during a school event. While I was in the clinic, I called you and asked again if you have a new girlfriend. And you said yes. I asked why and yu said that being with her doesn’t  make you anxious and that there is connection between you two.  Every word you said pierced my heart and body.  

But then I begged you to come see me in the afternoon eventhough how much sick and exhausted I was. I was still seeking for answers and I wanted to see if you were lying or not. I remembered crying in the classroom after our call.  You agreed and you came.

But let me tell you, I have also conditioned myself to stop our affair before we met up. Reason: Your new girlfriend and it was not healthy for me because eversince I met you, my life became toxic. I was always preoccupied with your health that I forgot mine.

So when you were infront of me in this restaurant, I couldn’t help to be so helpless I mean, I could not muster the courage to be angry because logically speaking, you did not cheat on me because we broke up before you met her. So I asked why you chose her.

Your words were ‘She is as damaged as me. Being with her made me feel normal. I felt a connection between the two of us.’

It was sad that despite my effort to understand you in every aspect , you still chose someone who is damaged. You met her in a day and that’s just it. You forgot everything about us. I asked if you had se with her. You said , “You went to her place and slept together. Showered together.”  I thought maybe that was also the reason why you chose her, I could not give you what you want.

Our conversation went deeper  and I told you that it was really pointless pouring my love to a broken vessel like you that I deserve someone better and that I don’t hate you because I don’t plant hate in my heart. You just listened.

After  a while, the waitresses came and sang you a birthday song. It was my surprise to you and you were genuinely glad about it. See, at the end of the day , I still cared for you.

When we got in your car, I was out of breath. I was really sick at that time and the, you took me to our flat because I could hardly walk. I remembered you hugging me and kissing me on the forehead. I said goodbye and you said ‘Keep in touch.’ I just looked at you and turned my back. I was so exhausted.

After a few minutes, I called my bestfriend to accompany me in the hospital. All my emotional pain and stress had accumulated. I felt helpless and I was crying the whole time about our whole relationship. After that I messaged you goodbye and sent a link of my blogpost. I fucking wrote a poem about you dumbass.

My phone went dead. After 2 days of sleeping , fyi, I was even absent at work during the homeroom Christmas party,  I opened my phone and saw that you called me and asked me if I were still alive. I did not reply. At that time,  I knew that you were in RAK for your solo birthday celebration. Then, you sent me videos asking me why I was not there and all. Why were you still doing that when you had a girlfriend and I was healing? You do not have heart at all.  I never replied to your messages. You told me that you broke up with her. I told you that before.  I asked you ‘How long will it last? One month? Two”? I was a bit happy. I said to myself, “Karma is a bitch.” Still, I did not reply.  But I did not cut you off yet since I wanted you to know that I was getting back on my feet.

After 10 days, I was becoming well again. I was gaining control of my emotions and accepting the fact that we were never meant for each other. You were still so engrossed in my life since you still viewed my stories.

Then one day, you messaged me. Here are your words: YOU KNOW THAT YOU HURT ME TOO. I WAS YOUR DIRTY SECRET.  I ONLY CAME AND PICKED YOU UP WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT FOR YOU.  YOU ARE NOT DUMB SO DON’T PLAY VICTIM AND DON’T MAKE ME FEEL THAT I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. THAT SOUNDED MORE HARSH THAN WHAT I INTENDED HOPEFULLY THIS MESSAGE DID NOTREACH YOU.

That message just lingered in my mind. We were doing school stuff that time. How dare him say that I was his dirty secret? And what was that playing victim? After 12 hours, I replied.

“WHEN DID I EVER HURT YOU. WHEN YOU NEEDED TIME AND SPACE OUT OF THE BLUE, I GAVE IT. WHEN YOU SAID YOU HAVE A NEW GF, I ACCEPTED IT. I UNDERSTOOOD YOU BECAUSE I SINCERELY CARED AND HOPED THAT YOU WOULD BE BRAVER THATN YOUR ANXIETY. I NEVER PLAYED A VICTIM. I KNEW WHAT I GOT MYSELF INTO. IF YOU ARE REFERENCING MY IG STORIES, WHY ARE YOU GRAVELY AFFECTED IF YOU KNOW IT ISNT TRUE?”

I let my emotions rule. He wanted that. He hit the spot of making me communicate with him again. After that, my life started falling apart again and I missed him everyday. I started questioning myself again if it was all my fault. I greeted him Merry Christmas.

On December 26  ,  I posted a status in my whatsapp and he commented about that. He started opening up about his condition again and his family. He said that he was overdosed and that he needed me. Ad he vented on me making him a secret bad boy. He said that I saw through him and that he ran away from me because the song that he sang for me connected us.  He was afraid. He also questioned me if I was sincere because I could not sleep in his place. Before I explained to him about our family orientation and culture but it seemed that he does not listen and respect it at all.  

Furthermore, he said that  I was investing on us and that  I always wanted to leave when we were together. He said that I wouldn’t do small things like sleeping over. He turned the table.  He was playing the victim and as naïve as I was, I believed that it was my fault. That he ended ours because of me, because of my wrongdoings. He also started talking about God and mocking Him. I felt bad for not defending God.

And so, we decided to meet on Dec 28., that was Friday. I asked him if it was okay since Friday was workday for him. He said yes and that he is the boss. We agreed to see the Dubai Frame on Friday. It was definite.

December 27 night, I asked him about the details. Everything just went haywire.  He was asking if he should book a hotel in Dubai and all. I did not approve because he might try to have sex with me but then he was becoming angrier and said that what I only did for us was giving him a cake on his birthday. I was so annoyed . He wanted us to meet at that point – it was 8 pm. I told him fine but he had to pick me up. He nagged that he has feelings too and I should be the one getting a cab to his place. We fought again and he ended up blocking me in whatsapp.

I was so angry. I called him and told him to unblock me. Eventhough it was a shame to go to his place, I did. I swallowed my pride. I wanted to prove that he was wrong. That I invested a lot in this fucked-up relationship.

When I set foot at Ritz-Carlton, he was there waiting and smiling. The nerve. I was so upset with his attitude. He wanted to bring me inside his villa but I decided to go where we first kissed – the couch infront of the beach. He tried touching me but I told him not to.

When we were there, he acted as if everything was normal and fine, that we didn’t have problems and that there was nothing to talk about. I was asking him but he was not opening up. There and then I decided that it was never going to work. I did not hear any apology from him. He laid on my lap and started getting clingy. I resisted to hold him back. I was very scared of him.

We went to his villa. He carried me to his couch and hugged me so close. I felt blank. His warmth was like a poison. I asked him if he tried enough for our relationship. He closed my one eye and asked me, “Try to look at me with your two eyes.” I got his point and I reflected about his condition. Somehow, I trusted him again. He brought me to his bed. We stared at each other.

He kissed me. I felt anguish. He kissed me again. I hated myself.

Later that night, he pointed out that he only had a relationship with the girl to push me away, that it was the only way for me to give up on him. Later on, he was saying that we were both addicted to pain. As the talk went on, he went on telling me that the fault is on me. I stood up and asked, ‘ Why are you always blaming me?’ He was defending himself all night and made himself looked like the victim.

When he started kissing me again, I did not feel the love that I felt before. Eventhough we shared a kind of intimacy, my soul, heart and mind were in another galaxy. I broke down. I cried and cried. He asked why and I told him that I am so scared of you hurting me again. He was silent. He did not reassure me that he won’t do it again.

I did not sleep the whole night. I lied to my sister that I was in my bestfriend’s house. See what you do for a guy? She was against him. She wanted me to stop communicating with him.

In the morning, he was getting ready for work. I thought he was not going since we agreed to see the Dubai Frame – it was December 28. He dressed me up with my socks and jacket and decided to drop me off at home. I asked him if we’re still going to Dubai and he said that he’ll just text me. At that point, I sensed that he will do the same thing again – he won’t show up, block me in social media and leave me hanging.

Later on,  I said that we could still go to the movie. He said yes but before the screening, he said that he couldn’t make it because he was so exhausted. I was so disappointed.  I have decided that I have to end this whole shitty affair.

I wrote a breakup letter. I decided to see him that night , pretend that everything is fine and leave the letter before he wakes up.

I asked my friend to drop me at the Ritz Carlton that night. I lied again to my sister about where I was. I called him. At first, he was not answering but thankfully, he did. He was fast asleep.

He was not pleased to see me. As a matter of fact, he was angry. He said that I disturbed his sleep and he was not also able to sleep last night because of me.

I know it was not going to be a pleasant night. Then, he smoked shisha in his balcony.  I asked for liquor and he gave me whisky. He talked about his family, his life and all. He opened up more than before.  But then I asked him about marriage, he doesn’t believe in it. He wants kids but doesn’t like to settle down. I wonder if he really wants kids remembering what he did in Turkey. He is not a good man. I can’t see him as the father of my children.

We went inside because he said that I was too loud. Then, he said I was drunk. I was not drunk, I was just dizzy. He wanted me to go home because he thought that I was intoxicated and that something might happen to us that night which I really did not want. In fairness to him, he doesn’t want to have sex with me when I am drunk. He still has some kind of respect. Moving on, he let me sleep there again.  That night, he became more comfortable and genuine. Or so I thought.

So I planned to leave the letter in the early morning but I couldn’t. He would wake up in every move and I did not want to hurt him as much. We had a nice breakfast and he was really in light mood. He was extremely happy but I know that I cannot love him again. It cant be repaired. After he showered, I went to the bathroom and hid my letter in his drawer.

He dropped me off and I messaged him that that was the last time he was ever going to see me , that I love him but breaking up was for the both of us. I told him about the letter and asked him to read it for my explanation.

Leaving him was both reliving but at the same time, devastating.

After a few hours, he messaged me that he has read the letter and that he was sorry. He admitted that he hurt me  but he said that he was really happy and started being comfortable with me. I cried after reading that. I had What ifs. What if I have given him more time to be okay, what if I ruined our chance to be with each other, What if I extended my patience more?

I did not reply.

After two days, I was rereading our messages in whatsapp. I blocked, unblocked blocked and unblocked him. Accidentally, I sent a recording to him. He replied.

I GAVE YOU HONESTY. I GAVE YOU LOVE. WHEN  DROPPED YOU OFF, I WAS OPTIMISTIC ABOUT IS. TALK ABOUT A GUT PUNCH YOUDID IT. I READ AND REREAD AND READ AGAIN YOUR LETTER. IT WAS BETRAYAL ON PINK LETTERHEAD.

ME: I LOVE YOU. COULD YOU SAY THAT?

HIM: I LOVE YOU. YOU HURT ME. I HURT YOU TOO BUT I TOLD YOU IM GOING THROUGH THINGS. I DELETED EVERYTHING – MY IG, TWITTER. I HAD TO EMAIL MY FRIENDS THAT ID DIDN’T DIE. I FELT COMFORTABLE IN AWAY WITH YOU THAT I HAD NEVER FELT. I COULD HAVE SAID THAT I LOVE YOU WHEN I DROPPED YOU OFF BUT YOU WERE ACTING WEIRD.

Then it struck me. He finally said that he loves me. He loves me! He was always afraid of saying  I love you. I felt mixed emotions. I wanted to believe him but I have many doubts.

ME:  I JUST WANTED YOU TO PRIORITIZE ME ON THAT DAY. DEC. 28. JUST FOR A MOVIE FOR TWO HOURS.

HIM: I AM DONE ARGUING THIS. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR ORCHESTRATED A BREAKUP.

ME: SEE? YOU ARE RUNNING AWAY AGAIN.

HIM: YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. I MA DEVASTATED AND YOU ARE HAUNTING ME.

ME: I AM DEVASTATED TOO.

HIM: GOODBYE KATRINA. WE WILL BOTH GROW FROM THIS. PLEASE DON’T ENTER MY LIFE AGAIN. I LOVE YOU.

Then , he blocked me again.

After a few hours, he asked me to come over.

I was very much worried since he might hurt himself.

 I called him, shit. And he said that he loves me.

At the end of the night, we said I love you’s to each other. He unblocked me again and promised not to block me anymore.

In the morning, I asked him whats going to happen between us. He doesn’t know. I wanted us to talk again but he answered that he was emotionally drained.  I tried opening up but he did not entertain me. So, I left it. The next day, I messaged him that if he is ready, he can message me anytime.

He replied that he owed me an explanation and that we would meet the next day at 5 pm.

HIM: 5 PM IS FINE.

ME: YOU GOTTA COME. BE A MAN.

HIM: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A MAN.

ME: NIGHT.

HIM:  ARE YOU GOING TO BE A WOMAN? NOT LEAVE NOTES? DO WHAT I DID A FEW TIMES AND EXPLAIN MY EMOTIONS

ME: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY, SAVE IT FOR TOMORROW. I NEED TO SLEEP.

HIM: DON’T TOUCH ME TOMORROW. IT SEEMS TO BE YOUR WEAKNESS. IM JUST WAITING YOU TO BE CLEAR OF MIND. THREE DAYS ON THIS MEDICINE, I AM PLANNING FOR FIVE KIDS.

I read that in the morning. Before 5 pm, I called him. He was ending all my calls. I messaged him if he is still coming.

ME: IF YOU ARE AFRAID AGAIN AND CANT BE TRUE TO WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT THAT YOU OWE ME AN EXPLANTION, JUST SAY IT. IF YOU CANT MAN UP, SAY IT.

After a series of calls, he replied.

HIM: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR TOXICITY.  I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE NO SYMPATHY.

Then as usual, he blocked me.

After that, I expressed all my frustration and anger on sms. I don’t know if he read all of those. I blocked him too on all accounts and deleted his number and all that would remind me of him.

MY LAST MESSAGE: I AM DONE WITH YOU. DON’T YOU EVER COME BACK. I WASTED MY MONTHS WITH YOU.  I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

So, that’s basically it.

A fucked-up story.

I really don’t know the reason why he did not come. He  was ending the call so it means he was holding it and just didn’t want to answer. Was he in a meeting? If I was really important to him, he could have texted me to wait. That would not take much of his time, right? If he is really decided to talk to me, eh could have done something.

Maybe he really didn’t want us to meet again. He made me expect to hurt me. He wanted his revenge. He always wanted to be the one ending a relationship. HE is narcissis, an emotional manipulator, a fearful avoidant.

He is very much broken and I cant believe that I loved someone like him.

---to be continued

DONE FOR 2018!

Today is December 30 – one day left before 2018 ends.

It’s the time of the year in which I have to reflect on what transpired for the past 12 months.

First, I got back to teaching. There was a little setback though like flying to Oman again for my 3^rd exit but thanks God because after a while I finally got my residence visa. My career was finally settling down after a long wait and a series of unfortunate events, and I was happy because I was starting a new chapter in my profession.

Second, I dealt with kids - Grades 3, 4 5 and 6 and I couldn’t be more excited than to work with young people. I had to adjust for sure especially with instruction, lesson pace and classroom management. It was all about extending my patience and being more sensitive, open and accommodating to them. It was a very different environment compared to teaching in junior and senior high school but it taught me to be a parent and for that, it opened the idea that yes, I want to have my own family especially my own children. I guess being immersed in elementary had made me very emotional and to always put myself into others’ shoes. It is positive but it also made me choose others over myself.

Third, I had been active in church for the first few months. I was able to join National Conference, Singolympics , household and other activities. I was growing up, becoming nicer, being more comfortable with the community, my faith was becoming stronger but then, I became busy with work and was always stressed and I forgot about my promise to God.

Fourth, when I forgot my Godly promise, I started committing more sins. I became engrossed with associating myself with guys. I dated several guys from social media apps and it was devastating. I really wanted to have a boyfriend and I believed that I could find it on my own.

Heartbreaks:

Filipino friend. It lasted for a month. He was courting somebody else then she said yes. He walked away from me.

American guy. It lasted for almost five months through chat. Turned out, he is married. His wife called me.

British guy. It lasted for two months but he was scared of commitment. He blocked me.

Fifth, I lost myself. It started when I met him. I couldn’t even express how heartbreaking our relationship is because I just broke up with him yesterday. The wound is still fresh and I am very unstable and confused about everything that occurred between us. I pushed my boundaries, swallowed my pride and renounced God to be with him. He left me three times but whenever he comes back,  I take him back again and again. I let him hurt me over and over until all was left was a shattered soul.

And yesterday, I had to decide to free myself from all the pain I’ve been through because I want a healthy and painless relationship. I couldn’t do it anymore. I want my old self, the one that is fun , independent, stress-free, outgoing and productive. I said goodbye for the two of us gently. I couldn’t afford to say it in person, he was genuinely happy and carefree and it would cause me more pain if I saw him hurt. I love him a lot but it is for the both of us; he needs to fix his own issues and I need to learn to love myself and not depend on others for my own happiness.  I was very scared to be hurt for the fourth time by the same person and that fear became greater than my love for him. If he only assured me that he will not leave me again, I could have hold on and stayed. If he held my hand and said his true feelings, my fear could have been washed away.  If he only respected God and my beliefs, it could have been a fresh start. If he only fulfilled his promise to take me out, if he only had been more understanding of my feelings not only just his own condition, if only he admitted his mistakes, if only he apologized, if only he wanted marriage, if  only he said that he loves me while looking straight into my eyes. But no, he never did any of those.  At that point, I decided to choose myself and walking away from him might be the best decision and respect I gave to myself.

I know that I am back to zero in terms of moving on. Nevertheless, I don’t regret anything. Last year, I learned to trust God. This year, I untrust Him, it’s my fault though but I want to make it up to Him. Who else do I have to lean on and be open about everything? Also, 2018 taught me love the hard way. I learned that pain and love are similar in terms of breaking you. As of now, I am not seeing myself to be with someone real soon or finding someone for a romantic relationship. Love will find its way to me when I am ready again. I just want to heal, recover, be at peace and focus on work. I lost track again of my goals but that’s why we have chances.

That’s it for 2018. 2019, bring it on!

AVALANCHE

AVALANCHE

The good memories, the beautiful moments

Spinning ‘round and fast but slowed down when you held my hand

You ignited a fiber in me; I wanted to dispense my soul TO YOU.

You were all goofy and chatty yet your blue eyes seemed to cry.

Can I save or fix you? Will you let me make you smile?

I reached out to you.

There’s hope.

We made our home within you.

But then our home started shaking off

With your words “Move on, I’ll hurt you more.”

I crashed into the sea, drowning in waves of emptiness and agony.

I wanted to love you through your peace and anxiety

I wanted to stay through your pain and healing

I wanted to see and kiss your ugliest parts

I wanted to hold you tight even if it tears me inside

Because I believe there’s a beautiful universe living in your mind.

Like the Big Bang, our worlds collided twice

I missed the warmth of your skin, your hype singing

Piggyback rides, kisses under the moonlit sky

Your chest rising and falling, your head between mine

Hugs from behind, scooting closer to your arms

Tangle of white sheets, I listened to your heartbeat

I wished we could stay like that for a lifetime…

But in the stillness of the night, you still chose to leave.

You knew I love you but your broke me anyway

You knew I care for you but your fears washed them away

I knew you were struggling but I highly hoped it would past

I knew you loved me but your panic and anxiety dragged you back.

I never got tired and I hated you for giving up

Was I not enough?

Did you try hard to let go of what’s holding you back?

Did you honestly try hard FOR THE BOTH OF US?

  

 I wanted to hate you more but I cannot find any more reason to...

I can feel that you’re hurting more than I do.

I am sorry for asking you more of what you are afraid to give

I am sorry for everything I caused that made you feel at risk.

Our love is one great avalanche - -sudden, overwhelming

Dangerous, rapid, forceful, falling, descending

But know that it has been a beautiful sweep

Listen, you are loved and please, DO believe in it.

Baby, you don’t have to worry, I finally found the courage to set you free

Let us embrace our solitude; we’ll search for joy and tranquility separately.

You will grow in your own term and pace; your head will be out of the snow

I am filling-in my heart with self-love, the world is waiting and waving hello

True love never quits but it’s truer when you know how to stop

Though I left a flicker in my heart

In case you ever wanted to come back HOME

My Beautiful Avalanche.